Archive | December, 2011

Dating 2011 – Who Is To Blame?

30 Dec

Something happened yesterday that made me look back on what my crap-of-a-dating-life has been like this past year, and the pattern has been pretty consistent, unfortunately.

I was approached by several guys this year, it was kind of crazy. Okay, so I won’t be a total saint – I did enjoy the attention if it was coming from a fairly attractive male. Considering I have had been single for a couple of years now, I didn’t think flirting back was wrong… Until well, a little snooping around on Facebook and the word around town revealed almost all of these males were in relationships – some for a couple of months, while others for several years – in well-committed relationships!

That is when I took several steps back till I disappeared from the picture. Of course, my initial rants would revolve around how all men are pigs, how the only thing they know how to do right is be unfaithful, how they have no conscience… But let’s assume I have said it all.

I’d take a more humble approach and instead of maybe blaming it on all mankind, take a look at myself this time.

Why do all the men showing any romantic or sexual interest in me do so while they are in pretty healthy and happy relationships? Do I have “home-wrecking vamp” written all over my freaking forehead? My wardrobe is pretty decent; I’m known more as a sweetheart than a sex-pot, I smile big, tease less, state opinions explicitly, help my girls genuinely rather than secretly plot on destroying them. Nothing I do portrays me as the girl who is going to aid in breaking a home that could have been. Nothing about a person too nice means home-wrecker! Or a one time thing that’s going to aid them in escaping whatever they are trying to.

While some hid their relationship, others were pretty explicit about them, and still expected to have me one way or the other. And even others who expected me to try to steal them away and make them my own. I kind of refuse to believe all the three kinds assumed me to be a home-wrecker or a vamp or desperate or just plain stupid for that matter. I mean, when they are in such long-term relationships, why do they suddenly feel the need to ruin it by dragging me into it?

I cannot understand what vibe I ever gave off to them. Am I someone they always wanted on their “list”? Do they find some kind of comfort with me they have not found with the one they are with? Does my presence make them realize they have been with the wrong person and are just settling? Or is it just the thrill of the chase?

But if the answer does not lie within how I come off as a person, maybe I am just meant to attract all the wrong kinds of shots at love. Don’t get me wrong, I have no complaints or regrets or feelings of loneliness resulting from being single. Finding love is not one of my top priorities in life, at least not at this age when I am focused on building a career and nurturing my friendships. I leave that up to fate to work its course when it thinks it is right for me. In the meantime, I enjoy being on the dating scene for the mere purpose of observing and putting together “dating today” theories – and of course, entertainment for when other areas of life are not happening.

But when these potential partners do come up in my life, they come up relationshipstically damaged and incompetent. They are either looking for nothing but a fling, or expect me to steal them from some other woman. I’d have liked to tell you that these men only existed in college, but sadly, it prevails after that too.

The result of such experiences on the dating scene has left me with limited expectations of my future: single workaholic with a cat and maybe an adopted child, single having forbidden affairs and meaningless sex, or ending up as a trophy wife.

I’m not cynical about life – it’s everything I have experienced and observed and concluded my theories from. I am still a very optimistic person. Optmistic about men despite my dating life… Because I have some very sweet friend-zone guys in my life, and I also see my girls dating true gentlemen. I’m honestly happy for them, but I do admit… I keep fingers crossed they don’t turn into the kind of men that suddenly are tempted to cheat and find a girl who shares similar luck to me in this game of love.

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We All Know Men Who Hate Women

25 Dec

The most interesting movie I’ve had the chance to watch this year is no doubt The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. The dark underlying theme of aggression towards women was much needed to be brought forward on big screen, especially today… Today when the world is redefining rape and trying to shun women to silence, as was done in the past.

I started off liking the male lead character, Mikhael. He seemed like a good husband and father, trying to solve the mystery of a missing girl, eager to crack the case of a serial rapist and murderer. However, he was still a douchebag – he still cheated on his wife, had sex with Lisbeth while working with her, and when they do find out who the killer is, he tries to defend him and why he could have done all the horrible things that he did.

“He had the same chances as us to choose what he wanted to be. He was no victim. He was a sadistic motherfucker who hated women.” – Lisbeth.

Of all the messages the movie conveyed, there was one that stuck out to me the most: that of trust. The trust Lisbeth found so hard to have in someone, especially the men in her life. And just when she thinks she could finally trust a male with her mind, her body, her heart, he still ends up betraying her, leaving her all alone.

The movie was a sharp reality-check. There was basically no nice man in the movie. Mikhael could have been – he could have loved the woman who put her life in danger to save his life, help finish what he started. But instead, he chose to hide his affair from his wife and continue being with her, not caring a bit about Lisbeth. Left her all alone.

As a woman who is often called a “man-hater”, the movie basically made my beliefs about the scarcity of good men even stronger. The rapists, the abusive spouses, the honor-killers, pedophiles, chauvinists, typical college douchebags – they are literally there every step I take. Everywhere I’d hear some male crack sexist jokes about how women belong in the kitchen, are horrible drivers, can’t be good leaders, calling them whores and justifying sexual assaults with “she was asking for it”.

They’d tell me to learn to take a joke. Well, I refuse to find anything funny about rape. I refuse to find anything funny about a girl who is working three jobs to support herself & her family being told she should be making sandwiches for the men in her life. I refuse to agree a girl is a whore just because she decides she could use a one-night stand to relieve whatever stress she could be having, all the while a boy is being praised as a womanizer for doing just that. To me, all these men are men who hate women.

You cannot be violent with a woman and say you did it because you care – you just left bruises all over someone like you would on someone you hate.

You cannot buy and sell women in trafficking and say you’re doing it cuz you need them – you are treating them far worse than you could treat an animal.

You cannot make sexist jokes and still say you love women – you just ridiculed them and their right to be who they choose to be.

You cannot sleep with them and forget them – you just disrespected them, refused to understand who they are, how they feel.

You cannot date them and cheat on them – you just played with their trust, you betrayed them.

None of that falls under love. It’s hate. Hate that could possibly stem from looking down on women, not thinking of them as human, or being jealous of how you’ll never be who they became, or simply envying how they fought and survived every hardship that came upon them better than you yourself could. Either way, it’s simply hate. And unfortunately for many women like me, there are not many places we can go without being attacked by men with such hate.

The most I can hope for and hopefully accomplish is to find that rare man I don’t experience this hate from, and when and if I do have a son, teach him to respect and love women for who they are, what they do… And especially to understand them before making judgemental statements about them. Basically, raise him to be a feminist.