Archive | February, 2012

Oops… Freudian Slips?!

27 Feb

I have done this thing a few times recently and only realized it last night, and I did it again a few minutes back, and now I am scared.

Freudian slips? I mean, I would like to call them that. When I am clearly thinking the word “talking” and repeating it in my head as I type the word… “kidding”. And I don’t realize I even did that until I happen to read what I typed 10 minutes later.

That’s just one of a couple other incidents I can recall. Like some time back, I end up typing “lost my friend” when I clearly meant to type “lost my mind”. And the other time when I type “love” instead of “live” [which very well could have been a typo, I am not sure anymore].

Either way, this has made me nervous. This hasn’t happened before. And if I sit to diagnose myself, I could probably  come up with hundreds of paranoid conclusions that are totally irrelevant, like ADD or ADHD (I tested, I am none of those). So I will just analyze all this as Freudian slips.

I don’t like Freud, for starters. His theories were too chauvinist for my taste, and mostly just uber horsecrap. But I do believe in a subconscious mind that can function almost as a separate entity, and sometimes come out in parapraxis.

Now that’s what I am talking (kidding) about: Did my subconscious really meant what I was talking about a joke? Interesting.

Live (Love) fast: Just run all the red lights and crash into love? And then rush out of it at same pace? Is that what my subconscious wants?

I must have lost my mind (friend): Guess I really am unable to function well without my friends?

I can come up with a few reasons why this is happening.

  • Recently I have not put my brain through any challenging activities to keep it distracted, and maybe that could be bringing me in terms with my subconscious mind causing it to speak more often than my conscious one… maybe.
  • Or maybe through all of the incidences, I was thinking of something else at the same time and my fingers couldn’t figure out which thought they should cooperate with.
  • Okay, so my brain hasn’t been as inactive as I tend to express it. I have been stressed trying to adjust to a new lifestyle with new people and new responsibilities, had my few hopeless moments which left me feeling pretty sad and almost got me losing myself to depression, lived through the feeling of nostalgia about my wonderful recent past, in addition to my several escapes to another reality where things happened to be much better.
  • Could living with an elder person who is of that late age – when memory loss and having trouble recalling very recent events – damage your brain cells too… if you’re very empathetic?
  • Seasonal Affective Disorder? Or just plain old PMS?

All I know, though, is that, at this very moment, I need to be put back in my natural habitat. That where I continuously don’t have to surrounded by relatives, that where I have the means and freedom to meet new friends, that where my old friends aren’t so far away from me, that where I can laugh so hard my tummy hurts and eyes water, that where I sincerely like belonging to. Don’t get me wrong, I am not selfish. I feel for the troubles my relatives are going through, and I spend most of my time providing whatever emotional support I can, even when I have no idea what to say and even when I feel it’s not my place to say anything – which by the way, is most of the time. But it’s ripping me apart from my own mental well-being I feel. If this keeps up, my next Freudian Slip would probably be an instant-blush-red-with-humiliation end of me.


Pregnancy hadiths

25 Feb

Okay, so this makes me reconsider my opinion about pregnancy and childbirth =\

my hijab = my *diamond* crown

Good Diner

Originally uploaded by A1KWords

I’m one of those people who whereby the only thing to stop me from being more neurotic is to feed me with necessary information. Ignorance really kills me. I have lost sleep just over worrying about everything and also because I’m so tense.

I just stumbled on this page whilst reading up on some things for my next post and it just literally blew me away.

If only I had read these hadiths earlier -I wouldn’t have felt so overwhelmed with the idea of being pregnant, especially when you not getting enough moral and emotional support from the people who should really be there for you. These hadiths would have defeinitely calmed, soothed my nerves and anxiety.


· When a woman is pregnant with a child, all the angels will make Istighfar (repentance) on her behalf. Allah…

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My Journey To An Unexpected Weight Loss

22 Feb

So I was having breakfast right now, and my brain leads from one thing to the other, and I end up here. I realize my lifestyle has changed this year, all by itself for the most part. I had no resolution to do any of the things I ended up doing.

I could easily have the least amount of physical activity since the beginning of the year. No gym, no zumba, no shaking it at a club either. I only had a few times I’d go out for walks but it has been too cold outside to stay out long.

I don’t like tap water and didn’t want to walk 7 minutes carrying gallons of water home everytime either, so I resorted to drink soda with dinner, juice with breakfast, and green tea at night and sometimes during the day as well.

I ate. A lot. I think. I have eggs for breakfast, probably a couple of snacks throughout the day, and then what I have perceived to be a big dinner. Sometimes I had chocolates late at night while I stayed up watching my shows on Hulu or something, but that has been rare.

Oh, and because my friends are miles away, family’s occupied too much of my time for me to try and socialize outside of it, and since even college is 2-and-some months behind me, I have stayed unintoxicated since the beginning of the year. Sipping some cranberry juice today made me realize that.

And what has been the outcome of all of this? I’m once again 97 lbs after being a personally undesirable 105-107 lbs at the end of last year.

I don’t have much idea how this happened, but I guess avoiding the late nights out against my will could have done the trick. Either way, all I know is I would like to stay this mass, and sip some plain cranberry juice while I’m at it.

Iran’s Female Ninjas

18 Feb

Iranians go hard!

Iranians go hard!

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Feeling A Little Blue In January Is Normal

6 Feb

Maybe it’s a little too 6 days late, but I have just found time to do this. The first month of 2012, I think I lived a whole lot of nothingness during it. The highlight has been relationships, nevertheless.

For the first time in my 22 years of life, I actually finally celebrated New Year’s the way I always wanted to. I met up with a couple of my college best friends and we hit up this one club. Almost everything after 1AM cannot be recalled, I just know there was a lot of music I was dancing to, but I cannot remember what it was. But I guess I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t wait to be reunited with them again. All out in the real world, making it through everyday doing what we love/hate.

And that readers, has been the last day I had a fun night out. Everyday since then, the highlight has been family. For the most part, my aunt and grandmother. Thank God my parents flew in from 8000 miles away to see me and the couple of weeks end of the month I spent with them was the most comforting experience in quite a long time. I could fall sick and let mom take care of me, let her cook for me, discuss what I am going to do with my life with my dad… basically their emotional support was all I needed in that month of figuring out if I should accept the job offers I received. Sadly, I decided to stay unemployed than accept something I don’t see myself being happy doing.

Yes, I am just that picky in all areas of my life.

I had one date. Hold up.. me? A date? Serious? Yes. One, though. From the four guys who were asking me out, he came the closest to somebody I could relate to, or was attracted to for that matter. Thought I would give it a shot. See if it changes my views about men at all. I think this was the second real date of my life, and it was a nice experience. The guy seemed decent. Later that night after I got home, though, he asked me on Facebook chat if I’d want to marry him. I was like uh… pretty much like that How I Met Your Mother pilot where he told her he loved her on their first date. Of course, I didn’t know what to say. I mean, he practically told me everything about his past struggles, named everyone of his 7 or 8 brothers and sisters, what he plans to do with his life… I mean, maybe far down the road I could consider it. So, well, after a while, I just replied “I wouldn’t say no lol” and let the conversation end there. The “lol” had to follow. Maybe it was some sort of test question, or he is always that awkward. I don’t know. But either way, well, eventually within a matter of few weeks, while I got busy spending time with family, networking, and going on different job interviews that weren’t my priority, we slowly stopped texting back and forth. I think we’ve stopped talking. The last I heard from him was the last day of January.

I could care less though really. Under the conditions I am living through right now, having any interest in dating would be considered abnormal. Okay, for one, I moved out here almost a couple of months ago and have made but one attempt at getting to know someone outside of the family I live with and see everyday of my life, and using technology and social networking sites to stay in touch with the friends from home and college. Second, the men my aunts have been married to.. uber disappointing. Disappointing with their chauvinist beliefs, disappointing with the deeds they have done before and after their marriage and still do, disappointing with how low they think of their wives. The things I witness happen around me are unbelievably horrible, and I guess the only reason I decided to go out with that guy was to get away from the miserable reality of my extended family’s life.

Well, needless to say, January was mostly blue. The way my life has turned.. from the carefree days with my friends my university years, few weeks of unemployment despite a 3.6 GPA and my overly high expectations for my career, seeing my parents after such a long time… to becoming more bitter thanks to everything I was exposed to. Not much about me changed though. I still smile and laugh, I joke about my depressed state of mind, I take unwinding walks in the neighborhood and have small talk with older strangers walking by, I eat a lot of chocolate… still the same old me, going through a phase of blues unfortunately most of my friends I graduated with are going through too.

February, I hope you’re as good as my horoscope claims you to be. I am hoping to get an offer for a job I am finally going to be interested in doing, and hopefully move out and get my own place soon.