Archive | March, 2012

The Haunting of An Arachnophobic

21 Mar

I am being haunted. When I come to think of it, it’s been going on for quite a few years.

Spiders.

Lord Saveth Me.

After I once had this dream of being chased by giant tarantulas, I think I have seen a spider everywhere. They literally come wherever I am. To the point, no one in my life has close encounters with them until I am in their presence.

Three years ago, for the first time I celebrated Halloween, I did not want to buy a costume, I still think it’s stupid. I just wore a black dress and drew spiders on my body, and covered myself with a web. Yes, I was the humanified version of black widow. Most original ever.

Then, at a rave, few months back, I wore my roommate’s spider ring. It was me overcoming my fear. Considering for the past 1 and a half years, I was being haunted by giant spiders. I thought they were tarantulas for the longest time, until I think my roommate got tired of secretly laughing at me and told me they are just house spiders. I have screamed and I have cried and I have had nightmares and I have lost sleep.

And now, for the past three days, I have been haunted by this black widow. ISN’T IT HUGE?!?! It stays outside my window, but always comes around sunset. And hangs in midair. Coming closer and closer to my window, staring at me. And starting to what seems like dancing when I look at it.

My window is shut tight. Of course. That creepy thing is NOT crawling into my apartment and making my life a living hell. What worries me most is the eggs it probably has laying around. The ones that will hatch and multiply into one of my greatest phobias.

I sense pure evil from it. Like it understands my fear, it is playing with me. It has to come all the way down to where it can see me, like why not be high enough where it can stay out of my sight?! But no! It has to come all the way down till it is all visible, and can peak in at me.

Spiders shall be the death of me. One can hope it is my Spider Prince (but that only happens in fairytales), but what scares me even more is the possibility all these spiders everywhere I go are actually sent by someone using voodoo to hurt me. =(

Of all the things

15 Mar

Karma At Work

15 Mar

First thought that crossed my mind the minute I heard the news this man had a heart attack, and has been in the hospital for almost a week now: karma.

A man is in critical condition and that is what I say? Well, I don’t feel sorry for him. He had it coming. The pain he had put his wife through for several years before kicking her out, and for how she has been struggling since then, losing her mind trying to start over, walking with her head held high even though anyone who is smart enough can see she is all broken inside… He deserved it.

He saved his reputation, he destroyed hers. He blamed her for things she never did, she remained quiet and silently dealt with it. Yeah, they were never able to have kids. But, the silver lining… There were no kids to see what class of an asshole their father is. Kicking a woman out well in her 50s, after suddenly having a sick fantasy of a younger prettier wife.

The demands he had… Pretty much fooled himself thinking he is looking at a movie star in the mirror, or thinking he’s one of those banks he’d be able to buy himself a golddigger. He was neither. He was just an ungrateful, selfish man who strayed from his responsibilities of a good husband, even a good honest human being, and called himself a devout religious man.

He is one of those people who I’d mentioned in one of my earlier posts, who marry for all the wrong reasons, particularly the one that disgusts me the most. He got married to this woman for his legal benefit, practically used her, abused her, destroyed her self-esteem, and left her to fend for herself.

And now he’s hanging between life and death. The scenario reminds me of “Diary of A Mad, Black Woman”. A great wife gets thrown out, all mad and broken as she starts to build her own life, and when the asshole is paralyzed like he was supposed to be, she returns to cater to him and brought him back to life. But at least stays wise enough to not return to start over again. She moves on to her happily ever after with a man who showed her what love is supposed to be.

Except that was a movie. She was young, there was her hero there. This is reality, however. This is a different culture altogether. There is no such thing as a hero, not without a miracle at least. There is society talking, always blaming the woman. This woman feels guilty now, torn, crying her heart out. They tell her to forgive and go see him, he needs her even if he says he doesn’t. She has never wished for anything bad for him, she calls it fate, says she has forgiven him, and hopes he is happy whatever he is doing with his life.

I understand her. I’ve never cursed anyone in my life, except for maybe, one person but it’s a whole different story. As for society, are you fucking kidding me!? No, he needs this to happen to him. He needs to learn from this, and go back chasing his hot wife fantasies. Good luck to him. I would like to see what dumb, desperate kind of a woman he is able to convince to marry him.

One of the things I strongly believe in because I have witnessed it happen so much is the wrath of a woman. Sometimes, movies is not the only place where justice is served. Life, if you open your eyes and observe, shows you little examples of rewards for the good and punishments for the wrong. And sometimes, you just have to believe there is a force greater than yourself that will make sure everything will be alright if your intentions are, too.

I don’t know about you, but I both observed and lived through a special kind of hell on earth for women, owned and run by a special class of men of course. Needless to say, I guess this is the reason why I always find myself in the lives of victims where I am giving it my all to try and make them want to keep on living. I can’t even complain – to be able to make a person smile through unbearable misery gives my life a sense of purpose I seem to be lacking lately.

A Beautiful Day… Well, Almost

14 Mar

It must be the nicest weather this year so far today. For the first time, the sunshine wasn’t deceiving. A good 21 Celsius. Perfect to go out do that little bit of grocery shopping I needed to get done.

Oh well, the walk was pleasant. Happy people everywhere. Smiles and hellos in the air – a little puppy came up to me to say hello too! Cutie! It was an adorable moment.

Got my shopping done, started to make my way back. That is when, well… those chirpy birds and butterflies in my head disappeared.

Halfway through, when I had gotten off the busy street, there was a car slowing down next to me. Yeah, to park or wait or whatever. Next thing I realize, it is actually not stopping where it initially slowed down. It was moving along with me! I turned to look for a second – it was young man, probably mid 20s or so, looking right at me.

Took off my earphones, shook my head, “what?

Him with a creepy ass smile on his face: “Wanna get in my car?

HUH?!

Blood boil. Considering I wasn’t out there in heels, fishnets, booty shorts, OR ANYTHING SCREAMING PICK-ABLE OFF THE STREET!! 

I just turned away, started walking back. Holding back my anger. The guy didn’t stop. He kept driving beside me. Calling out. Okay, now the anger turned into fear. There was nowhere to turn. He wasn’t going to stop.

I do what I do every time I am scared – I hysterically started praying under my breath. Walked faster. There was a shopping center at the end of the next block – I could make it. Eh?

Oh well, prayer in need never fails. In the next minute, he drove away. Sped away more like it.

Miracle.

I rushed home. I don’t know where exactly he started and how long he was following me, I am the kind lost in my own world when I am out walking, enjoying the weather. I don’t know if he could be a serial anything parading the neighborhood trying to get girls in his car.

*what I get for responding to strangers*

Inform authorities?

Well, for one, I don’t know. It could be random. I didn’t get his license plate or a look at the car.. which could be red… maroon… I don’t know, a shade in between. Anyone can escape a crime if I am the sole witness, sad fact.

And for two, my overprotective aunt – always thinking something bad will happen to me if I don’t stay on the busy streets – will forever bound me to the horrible indoors. I’d not complain if I had a cat up in here. I’d not want to go out myself then.

But for three, the most important and worst case scenario, I would be blamed for this almost-an-experience. I am not allowing myself to be blamed anymore when I am in victim situations. 5laas! It was broad daylight, it was my only way home I am familiar with that I have walked several hundred times by now, and I was dressed in jeans and a tee, Constable Michael Sanguinetti!!! Jeez.

Nothing happened. Just cautioned. I am safe. Thank you God.

Oh

13 Mar

My horoscope for the week starting March 12, 2012:

You wouldn’t speak harshly to a child so why are you being so hard on yourself? Tell yourself as you would a child what a wonderful and perfect person you are, this will build up your confidence and self-esteem and you will feel great for it. The colour red will be very lucky for you this week.

Wow. I mean, seriously… WOFUDGINGOW!!!! I was doing like, just that. But the horoscope could have put it in a better way.. child? Really now? But oh well, now to get to it. As for red, well… maybe I have to keep wearing my red coat. If the color is supposed to come through clothing.

Meh.

Princess

9 Mar

I get called Princess for nothing. More than my dad was supposed to call me. Which he sadly never did. I don’t have a problem with it or anything, it’s just a random thought I realize after a friend referred to me as Princess today. I don’t go around wearing a crown – I only wore a tiara once for my 21st birthday, but I’d definitely do it again.

Or maybe it’s because of my Persian heritage. After that whole Prince of Persia thing, anything Persian is just better referred to as royalty. Pretty corny princess

Or maybe it’s because I come from one of the only few kingdoms left in the world with a really big royal family… where you don’t know if the person driving that Mercedes is a prince or not. This princess would make sense.

Or maybe because I sing to animals and talk to objects, and am always smiling? Ehhhh… nahh!

Or maybe it’s just my name. Better than other princesses

Either way, well, Princess it is.

Everything Is Blooming Most Recklessly

8 Mar

You know those days when you just wake up one day and you’re happy? And you can’t explain why, but just grateful it’s not one of your bad days?

Well, that is today.

I woke up with a feeling of hope, a strong feeling that things are about to change in my life, for the better. In one way or the other, although I hope in all ways, but I’ll take whatever it has to give. It’s like that pre-spring feeling, the fading away of winter blues.

It could be that it’s International Women’s Day. Maybe the feeling is related to being celebrated in some way today.

It could be the fact that in a week’s time, one of my college roommates will be coming up to see me for St. Patrick’s weekend. I can hardly wait to be reunited!

It could be the beginning of a new project with a few friends I am super excited about. The whole process of team formation and brainstorming is just so much fun… maybe because it all reminds me of my school years.

It might not be spring enough in this section of the world, but I can feel some odd twist of fate starting to bring the colors back in my life. Of course, nothing in my life ever happens accident-free. Expect the little mishaps that never seem to leave me alone.

Like, for example, as I am typing this post, I had to listen to my grandmother go on and on about an outspoken female character of this one show she was watching. All her ranting revolved around this woman being too disrespectful. Blood boil moment.

And then now, I mention privacy because I really don’t want to answer questions to these people visiting about what I am doing with my life. I mean, why fake concern with me? Me!?! I can read through that.  Especially if these fake people are male.

Oh well, not complaining about the hustle in this life: it’s a source of humor I appreciate having – as long as it doesn’t involve ignorant comments and too much invasion of my privacy.

Not my favorite side of the family. Sigh.

What Good Is Being A Genius If You Cannot Use It As An Excuse For Being Unemployed?

1 Mar

Scenario 1: strong persona, internship with one of the world’s best companies: still 100+ days unemployed.

Scenario 2: top 15% of graduating class, relevant work experience, strong ethics: 30 days officially unemployed (half by choice).

Scenario 3: average GPA, average work experience: employed!

1 is someone I know. 2 is me. 3 is almost everyone else I know.

How does that happen?

Is 1… Uh… Over-qualified? Threatening? As opposed to 3, who could easily be moulded into whatever? Accept whatever it thrown on them? Compared to 2, me…

Okay, I did turn down few job offers and interview calls, so maybe I can totally blame myself for it, pursuing position titles and pay scales I am maybe not ready for.

My professors have seriously confused me. Some said have standards, a brand image, do not settle and your employer will see you as someone who knows their worth and would be a high performer. On the other hand, some of them said take whatever is offered, the market is tough, you gotta take it or someone else will.

Personally, I am not much of an advice-taker. I listen, I understand. But in the end, I will do what pleases my heart and/or mind. Hence, I cannot do what I do not least bit find fun. I originally turned down interviewing with a temp-job employment agency, but then I thought about it and small office jobs didn’t really seem boring (picture The Office in head and everything is alright). Although it was going to be mostly irrelevant to what I went to school for. But I did it anyways, half-heartedly and swallowing all pride I had.

I had, at least, the opportunity to get called in for interviews. Only one went terribly bad, particularly because my beginner-to-intermediate level lessons in reading body language in micro-expressions gave away my interviewer’s disapproval of me in the first three seconds of being introduced. And I couldn’t fight past that and try to show why me and the position being interviewed for are perfect for each other.

Well, other than that, all my other interviews have been going pretty well. I had a couple (finally interesting) interviews last week, and some more this week too… getting closer. I know there is a right time for everything, and I am not letting anything not working out let me down. I mean, I know what I am capable of. I have kept myself informed about several different things, have a variety of industries I am eager to work for, and more. On one hand, I am chasing a title whether it pays me big or not; on the other hand, I don’t care about the title as long as I pay the bills I don’t have… yet.

I shall end this self-analyzing post with a quote I couldn’t relate to better when it comes to my job situation – it’s from the TV show New Girl, where one of the characters has just my luck with employment, and in that moment, it was just the most beautiful thing I had come across:

You know what I learned from the Internet? We got nothing to worry about. Everybody has their moment… we don’t need to have it figured out right now. Our moment will come.