Archive | April, 2012
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Almost Lovers

30 Apr

“Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream. I’m trying not to think about you, can’t you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache, almost lovers always do.”

Played on my Pandora earlier, and I fell in love with it all over again. Pretty soothing after a long day at work.

My Inner Mr. Hyde

30 Apr

For a past few days, the easiest feeling to feel has been anger for me. Honestly, it’s like one of the rarest of emotions in me, but when I’m there, all hell is about to break loose.

I am all fake smiley smiley this morning getting ready for work and walking in the rain without an umbrella with tyDi’s music blasting in my ears. I get on the train, watch the rain, try to be sad and relate to the lyrics of the songs playing – which by the way, isn’t hard to do. Nadia Ali’s lyrics at the moment are practically composed of pieces right out of my life.

So when it’s about time to get off the train, there is this huge dude standing in front of me, eyeballing the heck out of me and not ashamed I caught him doing that, and goes on to whisper something to the dude next to him making him turn my way too. Some of the most uncomfortable seconds of my life. I couldn’t wait to run off the train when it finally came to a stop.

I’m highly annoyed. Since last week, these public transit uncomfiness has increased numerous degrees. Strangers approaching with topics of conversation like the night sky being so pink or the moon being so little, being stopped to be told I just missed my train and I have to wait a few more minutes (really now!? I didn’t know that!?), graffiti sketches of guns being shown to me to get my opinion, being holla’d at, told I’m stopping all the traffic, and the friendly convenience store man out of nowhere suddenly using that creepy tone of interest rubbing his palms together… GOODNESS!!!

All time high frustrations. I mean I knew mental disorders were no myth, but I didn’t realize they were this abundant among the Chicago population either. I’ve had some “lost” customers come in at work, demanding to make use of a special offer that expired months and maybe even a year ago, and refusing to believe the promotions really are over. It’s pretty frustrating, and sometimes even scary, dealing with these people. But it’s a job and has to be done.

But for the strangers on the streets or the nice old man at the store I was nice to, who don’t hesitate in pissing me off or scaring the crap out of me, it’s annoying. I don’t know how far I am from making some creep swallow his own teeth.

I have, for a few years now, given myself another name – a part of me that is. The part that is much stronger and wiser and unafraid. And for a few months now, she was suppressed because I didn’t feel like she was needed anymore. But with how situations in my life are working out these days, it’s like my Mr. Hyde is going to come out anytime now. And won’t go away until I have given the world a piece of my mind and am able to go back to being me.

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Someday

29 Apr

Someday

Repeat note to self.

Don’t Tell Me Our Youth Is Running Out, It’s Only Just Begun

27 Apr

Yeah, so it’s my birthday. The odd age of 23. Where I probably can’t even achieve any special milestone I will remember this coming year for.

I have been all excited and stuff, but the minute I realized it’s past midnight, something came over me. And the next thing I know, while I am sitting texting friends and looking at my facebook wall getting filled with birthday wishes, I am crying. Crying uncontrollably.

I couldn’t understand why, really. All my past recent birthdays flashed in front of me, oh howww bad I miss being with my college family! I miss the midnight hugs and cheers, I miss the surprises I got, hearing from friends I don’t hear from all year long, being able to laugh so hard my tummy hurt… It’s all so far behind me.

Growing up, yes. Tell myself just another day, yes. But do I want it to be just another day? No. I want it to be my day, I want to be around people who don’t even have to try to make it fun for me, them being there does it. I want to be around people who accept me for all that I am, the way I am, and it’s easy to be me around them too.

Yes, I have made several changes to my lifestyle this year. I have given up habits I was never really too proud of having, I am focused on being a better person. But, the tears that I cried for the whole first hour of my birthday, I realize it’s less the things I did to celebrate, but more the people I celebrated with that I miss so much.

I just wish I could have had this weekend off, so I could have went back to Michigan and seen everyone. We could have just sat in one room and would have had the best time doing nothing at all because that is what it had always been like with them.

What do I feel on this day? Lonely. I know I’m not alone, I am far from it. I have constant support from my best friends, even though it’s from continents away. They are all an instant message away, and I don’t have to wait more than 10 seconds for them to get back to me. I could probably keep my cellphone away and start trying to build relationships with people around me, but I have forever been extremely selective of people I let into my life. I choose to bond with a few people, it’s nothing to them. It’s just my personal comfort level and I still don’t know reasons why I am comfortable with someone at all.

What will become of this birthday? Few phone calls from the dearest, facebook and twitter going off, spending half my day at work, and so far undecided as to what I truly want to do after. If wishes were to come true, I would want to be either back with my college family or my girls back in Saudi Arabia, either living like there is no tomorrow or having a quiet, comforting bonding time.

Either way, blessed to be alive. Make 23 count now. Lay off the burgers.

iPhone? iCant.

26 Apr

(I am going to try to not be too explicit but just forewarning: it can be NSFW)

Earlier today, while talking with my best friend about her highly unsatisfying one night stands, we tried to figure out reasons why they are all such disappointments. It was nothing to her, she found herself attracted to them, but when it got down to it, size and functionality mattered a lot – neither of which were anything close to bearable.

After all the brainstorming, it came up that if there was anything mutual among the guys, it was that they all owned iPhones.  Something with the phone vibrations in their pocket caused damage? Or that owning an iPhone got to their heads in such a manner they can act like complete tools but not live up to a  perfect reputation.

So well, either way, we came to a simple conclusion. LADIES… avoid men who own iPhones. As a dedicated Android supporter, I don’t think there is any better way to successfully sloganize the Android.

Save your sex life, lay off the iPhone.

The theory doesn’t apply to women with iPhones, just men so far. I haven’t had much feedback from guys about how good or bad in bed a female iPhone user was, but the vice versa has stood correct so far, from several sources. So well, as if cellphones weren’t already used to understand the class of a person, now their sex drive can be figured via them.

Go ahead, test theory, give feedback.

🙂

The Building Blocks

22 Apr

A friend recently said that happiness is a facade. To me, it’s a state of mind I have reached and fallen out of for reasons I am unaware, at times when I should be feeling the opposite.

It’s like, when one area of my life starts playing out as smoothly as I wanted it, another obviously is not able to reach that stage, when I had just started with the perfect plan to get there.

So, well… I have been looking for my own place since God knows when. And now, I have all I need to be able to make that possible – the strongest reason being I live too far from where I work and the night commutes are not working out. But…!!! The day I find potential apartments and make plans to contact the places the next day, guess what I encounter?

Obstacles.

Not that these obstacles are my concern, not for most of the part anyways, but it’s my undefeatable instinct to show empathy is what gets in the way of having my world my way.

So all I am hoping is other miracles happen so I am not bound to be stuck here with someone who said and done what they did recently and have forever lost my concern for their situation.

Family is complicated. Well, at least I feel so. I have been on my own for so long now, I am unable to find myself fitting in at all. I feel obligated to build relationships and maintain contact with people I don’t even want to. I don’t want to share a piece of my day with them, but I am forced to try and make conversation.

All I know is, as I repeat to myself everyday, it’s not the end if things are not in place. There is so much beauty in imperfection, an overwhelming feeling of success after all the struggling to get to your destination. The best of things in life are going to come with time anyway, if they are meant to.

Such is my hope for me to be able to be me 24/7 without being moulded into something others desire of me. Guess I still have 7 more years to finally navigate myself onto the road I been wanting to travel down for so long, where I will be able to have those 5minutes of awareness that all areas of my life are just the way I had pictured them to be.

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Cats.. Just Can’t Have One!

15 Apr

OMGEEEENESSSS!!!! I was having a quiet Saturday in, as usual, and I came across this Youtube video, and I swear it made my day! I don’t know what it is about cats, I feel like having one in my life would mean completion. But either ways, this video makes me awwww and laugh and the same time! Perfect for moments you feel low for unexplained reasons.

Been There. Done That. Now Grow Up.

11 Apr

Sounds like the perfect mantra for today? For all my life? Or better yet, the hereafter.

For one, the whole family drama from earlier was a lot to take in. But then again, I’ve had worse situations I needed to move past. I forced myself today to see things from the viewpoint of someone I had almost lost all feelings of respect towards. Needless to say, well, I understood what they were saying. I just wish they understood me, or knew me enough to know what the hell they are talking about to me.

I guess people have still not learned to mind their own bizabiz. Everything I say or do, for some reason, always has to wind up with a comment about me being unmarryable. I mean, you can say that when I am out chasing a frigging ring on my finger.

So a few months back when my uncles and aunts were all suddenly talking about my marriage – yes yes I know “scusi wtf” but understand this is a culture you’re lucky to not belong to – I stated some very blunt opinions about the whole concept of marriage. I just wanted them to shut up and let it be my decision. And well, today I learned, I had a couple of suitors recently, who my uncle told off saying my head is in the clouds and I am all unmarryable.

Wow. Well, thank you for getting rid of them. I personally hated one of the guys anyways, not to mention I was distantly related to him. And I don’t know who the other one was, but either way, this whole marriage thing was not a priority. But… um, really uncle? To my face, he acts like the coolest person on earth, talks and hangs with me like a friend, and on the other… oh wow. SMH!!!! 

This whole “Unmarryable Me” was a title I gave to my own life, to be used for purposes of humor and sarcasm and not to be applied to me by two-faced people. The world makes me so mad sometimes.

For two, talk about dealing with things you are always constantly keeping to yourself cuz of reasons you don’t want to admit. I mean, it’s not like the first time I have buried secrets, however, it’s always the same challenge. This is where I keep telling myself to just close that book, shake it out, and never return to it again. I mean, I am no stranger to such situations, and no child to be too naive to understand.

Note to self: Repetition will not be classified as a mistake. Grow the heck up.

For three, it’s past midnight. I can’t get enough sleep. And I need to go catch the new episode of New Girl, so well, ciao.

It’s Been A While

9 Apr

Blogging again. From work. Bad idea. But I swear it couldn’t get any slower than it is right now, so why not?

I been gone for long I feel. Waiting for something to happen in my life that is worthwhile, but yet again, only drama finds me.

My “peace and harmony” techno anthem keeps getting disrupted. It’s like there isn’t enough I can do to vent out how drastically my life travels through highs and lows.

On one hand, some aspects of my life start working out, looking good. On the other, I can feel witch nails tearing down what I am trying to build, very much uselessly.

What does this drama involve? Family. Extended family. The ones who never gave crap about my existence, and now suddenly I’m in spotlight for nothing I have done. People need a reason to gossip, and I would ignore it if it only concerned me, but when it involves people who mean the world to me… That’s that.

I don’t know, I can’t pretend to be somebody I am not, it’s just not me. If you can’t accept me, cut me out. I’ve never needed anyone, I will never need anyone. Especially people who won’t listen and just blabber on, passing judgements like they are so wise they can just read me.

And that now applies to these people I once called family. My problem has been I’ve stayed silent when I probably should have spoken up, and now, well, I kind of really have nothing to do with this family. The extended that is. As quick as people become a part of my life, even quicker I erase them.

And probably this blog entry makes no sense cuz I’ve taken several breaks from it to attend to customers, but bottom line, family the kind I have been thrown into recently equals nothing but drama and gossip and talking smack to feel superior themselves. I shouldn’t even let it get to me like this, but the way it was put out to me, mehh.

I am angry basically. I hate drama oh so much but guess it loves me. Things are going to change from now though… Just a few more weeks to my birthday and this one is going to be a new beginning.