Archive | May, 2012

Naive Candour

31 May

That’s what they call me. They tell me I don’t understand the way world works, and by the time they are done with me, I’d have no trace of innocence left in me. And that is when I will begin to see things for how they really are.

I get picked on for whenever I state something, and get reminded the world is too cruel and I have yet to see that part. I mean, I am no stranger to the evil that exists out there, but I always believed, I guess, just because I had one bad experience, it probably won’t repeat.

I mean, for sure, I would like to see what the people of the world are like. I would like to get inside the heads of those around me to know what it is they think, what it is they are plotting. Skeptical, I am. But the fact that I give more than the average acceptable number of people the benefit of the doubt, I am creating my very own road down to the middle of the earth’s core.

They perceive me to be more naive than I imagined myself to be. It’s about time for me to grow up under much thicker skin I guess. To understand the difference between genuine and lie, to tell a jersey shore douchebag from a gentleman, to know who intends to walk over me and who intends to guide me down the right path.

After all,

Cynicism is full of naive disappointments.

Something Real

30 May
You say I am beautiful
Oh so beautiful
You say I am sexy
So sexy it drives you crazy
You are left mesmerized
So far beyond hypnotized.
But there’s something missing
I have finally found
Tell me is it because I can’t reach the sky
Or if my feet are too high off the ground
It just can’t be you it has to be me
Why can’t I be your something real, why won’t you come around?
You say I am funny
No one makes you laugh this hard
You say I have personality
You admire my wit and my charm
You are left mesmerized
So far beyond hypnotized.
But there’s something missing
I have finally found
Tell me is it because I can’t reach the sky
Or if my feet are too high off the ground
It just can’t be you it has to be me
Why can’t I be your something real, why won’t you come around?
If I am so much fun
If I turn you on
When with me you never feel alone
When with me you feel so at home
When every boy around wants a piece of me
But you are the only one getting all of me
So why is it that I can’t be your something real
What the hell is the fucking deal
With you, my dear?
There’s something missing
Baby I know I have found
Tell me is it because I can’t reach the sky
Or if my feet are too high off the ground
I know it ain’t you, I know it’s me
But you gotta let me know why
Why I can’t be your something real
Why won’t you, why don’t you come around –
Jerk!
Aside

Scuzi Moi

30 May

You know life couldn’t possibly leave you more speechless than when a 29 year old, pretty damn ripped, in the midst of kissing you, lifts up his shirt to show you his 6-pac, smirks, and says, “you like, eh?”

Uh, ARE YOU KIDDING MEEE???!!! Hello and goodbye. S.M.H.!

The Stoning of Soraya M

29 May

Too many victims, too little awareness, too much ignorance, too few to believe the truth.

I Surrender

29 May

Why did I expect it to be different this time around? Why DO i ever expect it to be different ANY time around?

I stay corrected yet again. Sometimes I feel friends are always gonna be right about me being too young to understand some things, and in my crazy wonderland of a mind everything is always gonna be ready to want to believe even when a part of me is begging and pushing me to keep my guard up.

It’s like I know I should trust my initial judgement of an individual, but another part of me always has to step up and give people a chance to prove themselves otherwise – this part of me should be shot in the head with a machine gun for all I care. Not once has it been right.

So what seemed like a blessing in disguise for a moment there, is actually a curse big enough for anyone to see, and I remain blind. There’s no hope for me, it’s pretty clear.

I am glad I didn’t bet on the intentions of this person – I’d be so broke it’s not even gonna be funny.

Run run run away baby, as fast as you can. When you know somethings are not meant for you, stop considering any possibility of it when it comes knocking at your door. #NoteToSelf

Words We Should Have Bothered Saying

28 May

You know, it’s no rocket science, but if people just came clean about how they feel rather than beat around the bush, life would be hella easier. Misunderstandings avoided. Time waste avoided. A means for a better two-way discussion established.

But no, all I get is mixed damn signals. It’s sort of impossible now to tell apart genuine from could-care-less intentions. And to think you’re actually dealing with people a little more mature. What is it that they got to lose?!

It’s no secret I am like the worst interpreter when it comes to distinguishing a joke from the truth. What I hope they are trying to say contradicts what they are really saying. I mean, in this time and age, expecting to hear what you don’t want to hear is the only way I seem to be able to be right.

I don’t know, I have been clear about what I wanted and what I don’t want anymore several times, and despite it all, there is no escaping the vicious circle of misleading with half truths. It kind of sucks, very much so actually, because I have held back myself. But I have done that forever, I don’t want to be looked at as vulnerable.

It’s the way experience has programmed a person, you know, to expect the worst and try to prepare self down another road of misery and discomfort. My experience with interpreting mixed signals has always had the same darn result, despite that tiny voice inside hoping every single time for different. The determination to try at least, cuz you never know… you never know. Either way, helps to get a clear picture of where you stand, makes your decisions about your next move much easier.

Guess What… 

Heard it all before, to say things before it’s too late, and it’s never too late while you’re still breathing. What are we scared of anyways? Deception and doubts definitely aren’t going to make things easier for anyone. Sleepless nights?  Distracted during the day? Literally able to feel your body falling sick? Yeah, well, that has been me recently.

But despite all the fighting and trying to avoid things I didn’t want for myself, I ended up back where I didn’t want to be, again. Not such a great fighter against some things that are just meant to happen. Though I still know what I want, I know what I am probably going to do anyway. Understandings or misunderstandings, either way, I am starting to realize there is really no such thing as a new beginning, not when you keep running from who you are despite not wanting to be that version of yourself.

My Saving Grace

26 May

If I go, would you wait, would you wonder, would you know? Why I am thinking why I am ashamed of the girl I am and the stranger I became?

Hold tight to the heart of an angel you will never know, cuz her face looks like mine. And it keeps you going knowing that I am here tonight.

So let me fall, let me love you. Let me free your inner child. Let me sit inside your silence, let me ease the hurt you hide.

Cuz I’m alive I’m unlucky, I’m a line too fine to trace. But I can be your consolation, if you’d be my saving grace.

Closing Thoughts Tonight

25 May

Uh, shoot me for actually feeling that tinge of fear of the dark for a minute there.

Or just cut me some slack as I get used to this again. Also because my room is too hot.

Could I actually break the lease terms and hide a cat in my apartment? Or I could ask for permission. Let’s see how that works.

I maybe too judgemental, I may come to conclusions way too fast, but all I need is reason, like a really good reason, why I should be otherwise, if at all.

The Humour Of Dating 2012

24 May

Wake up from an awesome nap after couple of errands of survival shopping, check Twitter trends, and burst out laughing.

  • lies men tell women
  • don’t trust a guy
  • don’t go for a guy

How in tune could the people of the world be with my mind? Scary.

Just last night, I skyped for an hour with my college best friend, catching up, and basically for the most part, rolling our eyes and laughing about our dating life.

It’s like the two of us are stuck in scene 2 of a chick flick, with scene 1 obviously being the introduction of a young woman. And scene 2 being the arrival of a man [or two or four even] who makes the woman want to bang her head into a wall screaming “are you fudging kidding me??

My friend and I, we both moved out to different states after college, much bigger cities, and in the 6 months we have been out, we have seen and felt no considerable change in that aspect of life. So we can’t even reassure each other with “life will be better where I am, so just come live with me.”

It’s like we have seen each and every single trick in the book, gone through every type of dude-personality, and we still end up on Skype with chocolates and ice-cream and wine and tea, going over our experiences with each guy, and laughing hysterically that no matter where you find him, no matter what stage of his life you find him at, no matter how he talks or what he believes, no matter how many years you have known him or how well, there is no such thing as different.

We laughed as we tried to analyze ourselves and why we always end up as the rebound chick or the unaware home-wrecker. What’s even funnier is that the two of us are very different type of girls.

She is the sweet, trusting girl, seeking her tall, dark and handsome Prince Charming all the time to have her happily ever after with. Possibly with all the good looks and a big bank and an awesome career. She is too honest and open about her feelings, sometimes too blunt, mostly a damsel in distress, wanting to be swept away. And losing her heart to the littlest act of kindness from a man, because well, it is assumed if he is nice once he must be someone exceptional.

I am more on the skeptical side, with a that-don’t-impress-me type of attitude, icebox for a heart sometimes, barely ever open up about what I feel if I feel anything at all, way too independent emotionally and mentally to ever give a man the satisfaction of being needed. I be damned if I can’t do it all by myself. No Charming for me, I want a Shrek who would go through all hurdles, if need EVER be, to rescue me like a proper freaking hero should, and stop at nothing.

And even while we go through life travelling on opposite ends of the spectrum, we run into one and the same thing. Okay, so it’s not like we avoided travelling in the middle either. And yet, they all wanted the same thing. But I absolutely adore the way my friend tells her stories and how she goes into describing each and every detail of the situation. I love how she put it though – whether he’s gorgeous or ugly, super smart or a total airhead, millionaire or broke as hell, a saint or the devil himself, their expectations are all the same. At least when it comes to us.

But in this time and age, like Lilly Allen sings, you cannot expect anything else either. You just have to remember the story of your life isn’t over as of yet. Even when you’re 30. Society can say what they want. It is the reason people exist – to comment and criticize you about everything.

To me, I know it would make no difference since I have a plan for whatever direction my life is going to go towards. A plan for what to do if I end up rich or poor, a plan for what to do if I end up staying in this country or moving to another, a plan if I am in a steady relationship or all by myself, a plan if I marry the perfect guy or an asshole I have to get rid of – I am pretty much set.

If I am at all worried, it is for people like my friend who could possibly become too bitter when reality hits them and their innocence is gone. I mean, it shouldn’t be too bad. It’ll be another reason to have a party over Skype, maybe with patron instead of wine. Lol.

Day 1

23 May

Of me moving out of my drama forsaken family’s home, to a little apartment with a roommate I still haven’t met.

It starts by me packing and carrying like bags and bags full of well, only clothes and shoes and bags. I hurt my shoulder then I hurt my back, but well, after all that “I am going to this all by myself with no help” chant all week long, I managed to do just that. Success.

Sighhh! My brain has no motivation to unpack. I realize I still forgot a couple of things so probably going to go grab all that stuff tomorrow during the day.

Do I have a bed? Not as of yet, just two mattresses out of which I have made a perfect bed to sink into. I’d the most comfortable 15 minute nap in a long long time.

The only issue is figuring out my dinners. I am not sure if I am going to have the time and patience to learn how to cook, and there is limited variety of restaurants – everything is mexican or polish. With a Subway, Dunkin, and Pizza Hut thrown in the midst of it. But I’ll find my way around.

Initial feelings?? Peace. No feelings of regret or negativity in this area of my life. It’s going to be my first night here. It’s not like I haven’t lived by myself before. But that was college. This is more real life. More I did this by myself without having my parents pay my rent. So coming from where I come from, this is a big milestone.

I guess I wait till later tonight when I get to Skype with my college best friend and unwind about how pathetically behind we are in some areas of our lives.

Ciao till next time!