One Step Closer To Unforgivable

9 May

Lately, the only thing significant about my life has been drama. Oh, how I despise it.

I mean, it’s made me have thoughts of running away, leave everything, try a fresh new start, where I don’t know anyone or anything, and can feel like a newborn. It would be nice, eh?

Sigh. Not so easy.

There’s just so much I am not even ready to leave behind. But I know the changes I want to make require just that. Eventually, someday, when pieces will start to put themselves together, and then I wouldn’t have so much please-shoot-me drama.

They have gotten me to the point I have to ask certain questions to myself:

1. Am I being ridiculously stubborn? Should I even apologize for something I didn’t do? Or for something I did that is of no direct or indirect concern to them?

2. Why are people, who unfortunately are my blood but don’t know a thing about me considering some of them haven’t seen me since I was 11, talking about me and calling me useless, unlovable, and stating no one will keep me, appreciate me, love me, marry me?!

For crying the fudge out loud!!!!!

I had been nothing but respectful towards them, I didn’t shun their opinions or advice, but calmly explained without revealing too much of the reasons why I see things differently than they do. And even to that, they called me hopeless, because I did not think like them.

I am sorry, I don’t intend to be accepted for who I am not, so yeah, you’re more than welcome to hate me for whatever illusion you have of what kind of person I am.

Not saying I am a saint. Oh, nowhere close to it. But there are aspects of my life I choose not to share because I am not seeking pity either. Great job so-called-family for telling my parents I am an out-of-control snob who only cares about myself and my happiness, who has no idea how to live in this world.

What do you know, anyways?

People gonna hate, I am gonna continue living – of course, with frustrations, outbursts of anger, but then shaking it all off the next hour.

I am seriously so frustrated with every conversation about me my aunts start ending in conversations about me being the furthest thing from wifey-material.

  • One, marriage is the last thing on my mind.
  • Two, it’s my life, I will talk about my unmarryableness, joke about it. It’s not of you to discuss so seriously.
  • Three, just because I stand my own and have certain standards I am not going to give up, I am the one who is unmarryable? Do they need to be reminded what rushing to settle with no self-respect and standards lead them into??
  • Four, I don’t even want to get married if I have to unwillingly change something about me to please someone. I don’t believe in fairytales, but I do believe in love being accepting of how the other is and loving them not just despite it, but because of it.
  • Five, if I am not getting all that, I am better off alone, chasing dreams that someday I will make happen. I am content either ways.

I am sick of these comments. And when the message is conveyed to them that I will get out of their lives, leave them in peace, they get furious. If I am that much of a fail, a disgrace, then let me go!!

I mean, what DOOOO they want!? Just to keep me in their lives, control me, tell me continuously poor-life-decision-making is all I ever do, torment me, make me miserable, then go backbite and gossip about me and increase their sin count!?

Yeah, sorry. That is not happening. Well, it can till I am out of their hair, but it won’t bother me anymore. Now I can roll my eyes, and laugh about it.

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