Archive | June, 2012

Uh, Whhaaattah!?

29 Jun

It has been funny, down right hilarious,  until a few signs these days are making the chances of impossible become probably possible.

And it’s not funny anymore. It is fear and uncertainty induced. All choices hereafter are going to be wrong. All there is left to do is impatiently wait. And hope. And pray. And give self a dose of some highly deserved silent treatment.

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Gradual Improvements

28 Jun

I don’t like summer. I don’t like the sun. I can’t stand the heat, I definitely despise myself after a few minutes in direct sunlight.

I noticed the difference today – the skin on my outer hand is well over 5 shades darker than the skin on my inner arm [you know, the part under the palm. I am not the sharpest in naming body parts deal with it]. It’s kind of even obvious on my face and I can barely stand myself at this point.

So well, I decided to go ahead spend the leftover of my last paycheck on off-the-shelf skincare. Which involved lemons, lemon juice, and honey. I wasn’t able to find a few other things I needed to make different masks in any of the stores I went to. But I treated myself with all of that tonight, even did my eyebrows cuz they were another reason I couldn’t stand to look at myself. I think I can already see the lemon juice and honey results. Probably just half a shade, but it’s seriously improving.

It is likely to change when I go out in the sun again tomorrow. I can avoid the 23 minute walk and take the bus, but in attempts of being generous to my skin, I wouldn’t be doing justice to my body. About the only exercise I get time for is the walk from home to the train station, and from the next stop to work. Just like tanning salons exist at almost every corner, I wish anti-tan salons existed too. I mean, WHY NOT?! How far behind is your science and technology to care a little about brown-skinned people like myself who tan faster than anybody else against their will?!

Sighs. I have issues with my appearance if it wasn’t clear already.

The only time I appreciate the sun is when it’s negative Celsius weather and when it’s raining for the mere sake of spotting a rainbow. Yeah, I don’t care about beaches unless it’s between dusk and dawn. I would rather go shopping and to amusements parks at night [like everyone does in Saudi Arabia and probably other Middle Eastern countries too] just to avoid burning into charcoal or melting or dehydrating for that matter. Sometimes, I really do wish shopping centers and restaurants in Chicago knew a thing or two about staying open late, at least till 11PM, considering there is no sunset until sometime around 8PM.

I now smell like honey all over. This is not the smartest move either, since all day, I have been running and shooing away something that looks like a honeybee as it kept flying around in my apartment. In the whole battle, I managed to pull down the curtains and have failed to put them up properly – they can fall again anytime.

I could most likely get stung if the bee is still around, hiding, waiting. I need to shower again.

But, on a brighter note, I am moving on with my life and about to go ahead register for GMAT, once I am a week or two into preparing for it and being a 100% sure I can pass that stuff. Looking into taking it end of July or mid August, depending on when and what I hear back from the programs I am trying to apply for. And depending on how much I have after paying off rent and some of my loans.

I can do this.

I need to repeat these 4 words to myself a lot more often so I start to believe it. So I can start the journey towards being more than enough than being stuck on never enough.

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Becoming You

28 Jun

Don’t waste time on guilt. Holding onto toxic relationships is what keeps us from growing. You’re forming every time you shed a layer. You’re getting closer to yourself.

– Adam Driver.

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Ridiculous Mistake

28 Jun

Ridiculous Mistake

Yeah, I am absolutely in love with the show, and the quotes that are just so easy to relate to.

But maybe, like I always plan but never seem to follow through, maybe this time what I am upto, won’t lead to any disastrous mistakes. If what I am upto isn’t a mistake all on its own.

Maybe all I need is to have a little more faith in myself, but since I always seem to let myself down one way or the other, that is always hard to do. The several attempts I make to be more grown up, it all seems to keep failing.

But life is changing, drastically for that matter. Grown-up decisions need to be made, and I need to make them all by myself too. Then again, since I only seem to make poor decisions when it comes to myself and really good decisions when it comes to someone else, I am going to treat myself like a third person.

#survival

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Monkey Meat

24 Jun

I have been dating someone who treats my heart like it’s monkey meat. I feel like a delusional, invisible person half the time so I need to learn what it’s like to be treated well before it’s too late for me.

– Hannah.

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I Make The Same Mistakes

24 Jun

I make the same mistakes feels like I never learn
Always give way too much for little in return
I haven’t changed a bit I’m still not over it
I make the same mistakes I make the same mistakes ahhh

I never did grow up feels like I never will
My friends are all adults I’m still a teenage girl
I haven’t changed a bit I’m still not over it
I make the same mistakes I make the same mistakes ahhh

My friends are all a drag they think I’m such a flake
they wanna go to bed I wanna stay up late
walking the streets alone thinking of you til dawn
I make the same mistakes I make the same mistakes ahhh

Genesis Unknown

15 Jun

My heart will never feel, will never see, will never know. Oh heart, then it falls, then I fall, and then I know.

A beautiful lyric out of a song by Grimes. I have been listening to this song forever, but as I zombied off to work yesterday and the song played again, all of a sudden it struck out to me. And several flashbacks happened, and I realized something about myself. Something if I had come in terms with earlier, I probably would be at more peace with myself.

For as long as I can look back into my life, I always had no idea how to react – how to feel – about any given situation. I had to be fed ideas about how I should be responding, and I have let my mind dwell in the situation, imagine myself in someone else’s shoes in the same situation, and then I was able to feel whatever emotion I should have been feeling.

For the most part of my life, I have stayed aloof when it came to myself. The only times I had been able to genuinely feel anything, as odd as it may sound, was the joy that rushed through me being around animals, or the empathy I felt while being there for others. Quite literally, I learned how I should feel by picturing how people around me feel about something, and then I was able to feel.

Like, when I would top my class, I personally didn’t feel happiness. Then I would see my parents, and I would see the happiness on their faces, how proud they were of me, and then I automatically felt the same.

This one other time, a friend of mine decided to hold her graduation party the night of my birthday. Honestly, I didn’t think anything of it. Until my roommate got mad about it, saying she has no right to steal my night away from me. Well, to understand that, I had to picture myself as a third person, and then I was able to see it as unfair.

It happened around those lines with my high school boyfriend. He used to tell me he loves me everyday, he called me wifey (which by the way, the first time he did, I felt sick to my stomach, and eventually had to run to the bathroom to throw up) and I well, I was never able to believe him. Even when the smile in his eyes was so deep I knew his heart was smiling every single time he looked at me, I wasn’t able to comprehend why he felt that. And then one day, he suddenly disappeared – and I don’t know how and why, I just knew he was locked up. Sending out the guys for some research confirmed it. And there was no idea when he was going to be coming out again either, since he had pissed the chief off a little too much. The first picture in my head was of him in that cell, was what he must be feeling, and it was in that moment, this sudden rush of emotion went through me, and a series of realizations after that made me realize I loved him too.

And when one of the worst things that could happen to me happened, I kind of did not even know how to react to that initially. It wasn’t until a couple of days later, that it hit me. But that lasted a few hours. And, it only sprung up back again, two years later. Two years later, when I met people who went through the same thing, and in that moment, when I saw their pain and my heart went out to them, it was that feeling of empathy that suddenly made me come in terms with my own past. Now, recently, I have been able to admit it, I have been able to talk about it, and I have been able to turn the pages faster to someday close that book forever.

Those are just a few of the flashbacks that made me realize the lack of emotion in me. I don’t know at what point I got this way, or if I was born that way. I don’t remember my childhood so much, of course. What I do remember is being taught what I felt was wrong or inappropriate or just plain stupid. Or maybe. there were times before that too where I didn’t react when I was supposed to.

Well, not until it was too late that I came in terms with my feelings. I know recently though, I have started to admit things. I have forced myself to. The slightest doubt I have had that I could be starting to feel happy or sad, I have revealed it all. More to my friend than to myself. And I have realized, being honest with myself, although more painful, is best done sooner. Being late, you miss out on a lot of things – and then dwell in regrets of missing out, even on a thing called revenge.

What seems to be the problem, though, has not disappeared. I still have to throw all of me on another to let it reflect back on me, to be able to feel. I wish this process of emotions was reversed like it is for a normal individual, where they learn from walking in other people’s shoes about how they feel. Not trying to make other people walk in your shoes so you’re able to feel what you should be feeling. That’s not even remotely human o.O

Yeah, I’ll admit, sometimes I feel nothing more than a machine. Like Small Wonder. When she first shed her tear after learning from people around her what feelings are supposed to be.

Breadful of Regrets

14 Jun

So at lunch today, my coworker tells me this random story of an old couple. It went a little something like this…

So this couple is sitting at the table, having their breakfast. The wife, as usual, eats up the soft portion of the bread and hands the hard part to her husband.  The husband, after so many years, finally spoke up annoyed, “why do you always leave the hard part for me?! You’ve been doing that for the past 40 years and I don’t understand why you leave the worst part for me!” To which, the wife replied, “the hard part is my favorite, I thought it was yours too…”

That was the saddest story I have heard in a long time. And the moral of it was simple: Communication is the key.

Definitely don’t want to reach that age and realize you’ve lived a life full of regrets because you never could say what you always wanted to.

Yeah, my coworker is probably going to shoot me someday for writing so much of the stuff he tells me, but conversations with him are interesting and kind of always make me think. So, if he ever does happen to find my blog, at least he’ll appreciate the fact I did mention it’s borrowed and not mine.

🙂

Picked On By Inanimate Objects

14 Jun

The worst part about being me, in addition to a lot of other reasons you’re better off in your own shoes than mine, is being one walking disaster not just waiting to happen – but happening over and over again.

So, I injured myself. Yet again. This time at work. I got my little finger cut off at the tip while trying to lock a display.

Oh, the blood.

I am no good at first aid, but I think I figured out how to treat the wound. No, I didn’t pull off the tiny piece of flesh. I plan to keep the bandaid on, and let the cut flesh find the rest of my finger and heal into it.

For now, I keep holding my breath, trying to stay distracted, and keep my mind off how badly my finger burns.

Mfl. Not fml. It’s already F’d. Grrr.

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Depths of Winter

13 Jun

In the depths of winter I finally learned there was, in me, an invincible summer.