Genesis Unknown

15 Jun

My heart will never feel, will never see, will never know. Oh heart, then it falls, then I fall, and then I know.

A beautiful lyric out of a song by Grimes. I have been listening to this song forever, but as I zombied off to work yesterday and the song played again, all of a sudden it struck out to me. And several flashbacks happened, and I realized something about myself. Something if I had come in terms with earlier, I probably would be at more peace with myself.

For as long as I can look back into my life, I always had no idea how to react – how to feel – about any given situation. I had to be fed ideas about how I should be responding, and I have let my mind dwell in the situation, imagine myself in someone else’s shoes in the same situation, and then I was able to feel whatever emotion I should have been feeling.

For the most part of my life, I have stayed aloof when it came to myself. The only times I had been able to genuinely feel anything, as odd as it may sound, was the joy that rushed through me being around animals, or the empathy I felt while being there for others. Quite literally, I learned how I should feel by picturing how people around me feel about something, and then I was able to feel.

Like, when I would top my class, I personally didn’t feel happiness. Then I would see my parents, and I would see the happiness on their faces, how proud they were of me, and then I automatically felt the same.

This one other time, a friend of mine decided to hold her graduation party the night of my birthday. Honestly, I didn’t think anything of it. Until my roommate got mad about it, saying she has no right to steal my night away from me. Well, to understand that, I had to picture myself as a third person, and then I was able to see it as unfair.

It happened around those lines with my high school boyfriend. He used to tell me he loves me everyday, he called me wifey (which by the way, the first time he did, I felt sick to my stomach, and eventually had to run to the bathroom to throw up) and I well, I was never able to believe him. Even when the smile in his eyes was so deep I knew his heart was smiling every single time he looked at me, I wasn’t able to comprehend why he felt that. And then one day, he suddenly disappeared – and I don’t know how and why, I just knew he was locked up. Sending out the guys for some research confirmed it. And there was no idea when he was going to be coming out again either, since he had pissed the chief off a little too much. The first picture in my head was of him in that cell, was what he must be feeling, and it was in that moment, this sudden rush of emotion went through me, and a series of realizations after that made me realize I loved him too.

And when one of the worst things that could happen to me happened, I kind of did not even know how to react to that initially. It wasn’t until a couple of days later, that it hit me. But that lasted a few hours. And, it only sprung up back again, two years later. Two years later, when I met people who went through the same thing, and in that moment, when I saw their pain and my heart went out to them, it was that feeling of empathy that suddenly made me come in terms with my own past. Now, recently, I have been able to admit it, I have been able to talk about it, and I have been able to turn the pages faster to someday close that book forever.

Those are just a few of the flashbacks that made me realize the lack of emotion in me. I don’t know at what point I got this way, or if I was born that way. I don’t remember my childhood so much, of course. What I do remember is being taught what I felt was wrong or inappropriate or just plain stupid. Or maybe. there were times before that too where I didn’t react when I was supposed to.

Well, not until it was too late that I came in terms with my feelings. I know recently though, I have started to admit things. I have forced myself to. The slightest doubt I have had that I could be starting to feel happy or sad, I have revealed it all. More to my friend than to myself. And I have realized, being honest with myself, although more painful, is best done sooner. Being late, you miss out on a lot of things – and then dwell in regrets of missing out, even on a thing called revenge.

What seems to be the problem, though, has not disappeared. I still have to throw all of me on another to let it reflect back on me, to be able to feel. I wish this process of emotions was reversed like it is for a normal individual, where they learn from walking in other people’s shoes about how they feel. Not trying to make other people walk in your shoes so you’re able to feel what you should be feeling. That’s not even remotely human o.O

Yeah, I’ll admit, sometimes I feel nothing more than a machine. Like Small Wonder. When she first shed her tear after learning from people around her what feelings are supposed to be.

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