Every Time I Try To Be Strong…

9 Jul

… something happens and I come undone.

I have been frustrated. I don’t even know how much fun I will be when my friends come down. I am so shut down, I don’t know if I will be able to talk about what has been going on. I have all kinds of walls up, I don’t know if I will be able to let them down to show what I have been feeling. I am sick of being put on the hot seat, questioned, tested, analyzed, judged, and then having a picture of my future painted right in front of me.

And now they have made me angry. I haaate being angry. It’s probably the only feeling that makes me act on impulse in some dire need to prove something to someone, where I say and do things without thinking, which further makes me angry at myself for letting myself feel anger in the first place. I am sometimes scared of my own anger.

Of course, at every turn, there is going to be someone who has something negative to say about any and every step I decide to take. Everyone has some opinion and somehow just know what the perfect thing for me to do is. I should stop putting my faith where it should be, and instead go along with whatever suggestion whatever immoral source has for me.

Where my usual reaction is to just roll my eyes and keep doing what I am doing, when stuff finally gets to me, it crashes into me. I have a mini outburst as I start to realize I had been wrong when I refused to believe “20% of people don’t care about your problems and 80% are glad you have them”.

It kind of sucks when you just don’t want to trust anyone because of a few blows from places where you shouldn’t have put your trust in but did anyways. And then you go ahead calling yourself stupid before anyone else can do it for you, and let your life become a joke for your “friends” to laugh along at.

Because I refused to ask for help when I was in a fix a few days ago, and when they showed me how my life appears  to them, I snapped back at them that I can take care of me by myself – and I was in return reminded without any hesitation of how that decision is a wrong decision too.

And, that is where I started to shut down from the outside world, again. Since I can’t differentiate much between who really cares and who really doesn’t anymore. I shall let them talk, I shall let them look at me how they want to, I shall let them decide what they want to about who I am and let them paint all possible futures for me too. I don’t think they deserve any effort from my side to prove why I do what I do, and why I don’t do what they think I should do.

A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor, and while some have said the sea is no place for someone like me, well… I still know some people who will tell me to go all the way, as far as I can. So well, all storms welcome.

For now, I pursue change with saying goodbye to my roommate today, later dying my hair again, and then awaiting the arrival of a new roommate. Whenever that shall be.

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