Confrontations And Guilt – A Cinderella Story

17 Jul

Worry does not mean fear, but readiness for the confrontation.

– Basher Al-Assad

If there is anything I hate of the many things I hate from time to time, it’s confrontation. It’s one thing that makes me highly uncomfortable when I am trying my best to let things slide and get normal on their own. An incident at work with a colleague today made me realize that more than ever.

It wasn’t something I had done, it was something that was done to me and everyone said I need to stick up for myself, say something where I have to. The issue was handled in my favor by the managers, but when I was called in into the meeting to testify in front of my coworker, I couldn’t help but feel horrible for being responsible for getting him in trouble.

I mean, I am pathetically nice and go with the flow and let people take advantage of me without really feeling like I am being taken advantage of. But it was just one of those days where I was a little annoyed it happened, but I knew it wasn’t something I would carry a grudge about forever.

But, as usual, as with every confrontation I had despite of avoiding it, I ended up feeling guilty. I don’t know why one of the easiest things for me to feel is guilt, even when I remotely don’t deserve to feel that way. Except well, in this case, I was like, that’s a friend – competition nevertheless but still a friend – and even worse, it was his birthday today!! And I got him in trouble. Hence, a lot of guilt.

Things did turn out normal – he came up to me and gave me a hug after, showing acceptance of where he had went wrong. But I couldn’t stop feeling guilty. What’s even more annoying with this whole scenario is that when he had done what he did to another colleague, I lectured the poor thing to take a stand and that he deserves whatever trouble he will get in as a consequence of being so unfair.

Down – Right – Frigging – Pathetic. When I can’t even see as what happened to me as unfair. Maybe it comes with the zero percent confidence in myself. Or how I was brought up to put others before me. Or taught to just be patient with karma to play the justice card when someone does me wrong. Or the criticism throughout my life that just taught me I deserve the worst of both worlds.

Sadly enough, I can compare myself to Cinderella when it comes to my issue with confrontations – letting people walk all over her, treat her like trash, yet she stays happy and doesn’t complain, but somewhere finds the courage to go after what she wants, falling silent and disappearing again, until she is found and chosen. Of course, this is reality, so no insightful Fairy Godmother or a lovelorn Prince Charming are going to find their way in my life. I don’t leave traces behind for someone to follow.

Okay, well, so my managers did play Fairy Godmother today, but that is not going to happen a lot in other areas of my life. I don’t know when I will find it in me to pursue standing up for myself without actually discouraging myself. I should never have been raised as a woman, who is born to make one sacrifice after the other in the name of nothing at times. Can’t really be my own best friend this way and that’s the blues of my life.

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