Archive | October, 2012

Cuz Women Don’t Matter

24 Oct

You know the moment when you’re so furious you feel yourself tremble, trying to contain the blood boil? Yeah, that’s me at this moment. Having a boring day at work, and I decided to flip through news headlines on my phone, and I don’t know if I regret going through it, or am glad I actually did so I learn. So I am going to go ahead and aplogize in advance for all typos if they do happen.

I know I am a feminist, but for a quite simple reason. I am not going to sit back and accept whatever violence towards or ridiculous assumptions about women are taking place. First, I read about the second Pakistani girl, an education rights advocate, and 17 at that, who is receiving death threats. The teacher who was shot down for supporting these girls. And of course, the hospitalized 14 year old.

I don’t even know where to begin and where to end about it. Who really needs education in Pakistan and Afghanistan are the men who kill these women in the name of Islam, in the name of honour killing. And, they need to be educated about their own religion to begin with. For one, Islam does not recognize honour killing. Second, Islam has ordered all men and ALL WOMEN to seek all the education they are capable of. And to travel to the other side of the world if need be for the sole purpose of education. I mean, how big of a roadblock do they have installed in their brains to get this simple message across?

Then, I read about the pay gaps that are still very consisently existing in today’s society and that enraged me even more. I mean, I know. I am living it. I can see what I am making for the degree I have, and the job I am working too. And by the looks of it, it isn’t going to get any better. I observe the ratio of praised men and praised women. And, they still think it is funny.

Can you explain why you are paying women less? Because you cannot rely on them because they get pregnant? Well, then control your own ejaculation-provoking hormones and stop getting them pregnant. Oh well, this means men definitely don’t care they just had a son or a daughter and have no interest in raising their newborns.

Then of course, came the support for violence towards women. Prove you’re raped, or your benfits will decrease. So I assume the ones who passed the bill have previously assaulted a woman in their younger – or even current – years and think it is still fun and very much an irrelevant concern when the ECONOMY IS IN SO-CALLED DUMP!!!

Oh, I just had to save the best for the last. So guess what? Now they say hormones, what stage a woman is on her menstural cycle, determines who they are going to vote for. Oh, and amazingly, too, single and childless women are more likely to vote differently than married women. Just because, you know, they are more depressed.

Not that I am interested much in politics, except when I find every reason I should hate it because of how it tends to be as ridiculous as airing a reality show like Jersey Shore, but when it comes to generalizing voting habits according to race, gender, social status, and other stuff, I have a serious tendency to become speechlessly furious. I mean, seriously?

Since there is not much to research on, let’s just throw a mainstream stereotypical view of women and somehow get it to be credible, just because. I don’t know if the hysteria treatment for women in the past is worse than these conclusions. Give a woman an orgasm, and she will calm down?

What about doing the same for men? Because they are so violent and have raging hormones? Why don’t they get masturbated in doctors’ offices with a mechanical hand? Just to calm them down? Or for the same purpose it was done so to women – to undermine them, to prove that hormones control a woman’s thoughts and actions?!?!?!

And, what’s even worse, so many women who will read this will be like “oh, so I guess I was my sexiest when I casted my vote for Obama!” There are so many objectifying, degrading generalizations about women out there thanks to centuries of suppression of women that I wonder how effective would a wisdom revolution now really be.

I am a woman. I am the same amount of happy single or in a relationship. My sense of feeling sexy comes from feeling confident which comes from how successful I feel each day of my life. I know childless women who are extremely happy, and I know women with children who are depressed out to the max. Being single, being married, having a child, not having a child, no matter what the age, will never have any happy/sad effect on me.

So to the men of this world: instead of coming up with chauvinist conclusions about women based on data collected from researching soap-opera-watching-women-who-lack-a-mind-of-their-own, go do something more productive with your lives. Like you know, grow up!!! Stop being the person who has nothing special about him so has to undermine others to feel superior. Jerks.


Telling-Apart Trauma

21 Oct

That awkward moment when your mind cannot separate what it feels like being in a real relationship from whatever feelings associated with being in a casual passing thing.

That’s what years of training yourself to not feel does to you. You have trouble trying to feel again where you should feel.

Should force be used here? If one can force herself to become heartless, can she also force herself to love?

Or is the mind not letting you feel because something keeps telling you it isn’t IT?

Or you’re so used to douchebags that you would only want to try hard to keep one as long as possible? That you like trying to be someone instead of being wanted for just who you are?

And would your relationship become something like when you let him go, he evolves into something you want and need to keep? Like in the movies?

So I guess it’s safe to say, besides trying to understand my developed complicated possibilities, that it’s several years of nothings that has impaired my ability to dissolve into somethings.

One advice to women: for the sake of your sanity, avoid the whole ever-so-popular-because-of-convenience cuddle buddy/casual hookup phenomenon. You will only end up wanting more an more of what you’ve been so used to, after enjoying – for a brief period – being treated like a person who matters.

Something Or The Other

16 Oct

We are all a bunch of some sort of psychological disorders, aren’t we?¬†Blame it all on external sources, why don’t we?

Paranoia. Hysteria. Anger issues. Schizophrenia. Bipolarity. Sleepwalking. Psychosis. MPD.

We all have something. Probably a term I didn’t bother mentioning here.

The Battle Between ‘What-If’ and ‘So-What’

12 Oct

Sometimes, I really don’t know what I’m doing and why. It’s like, I see the end but I hang on to “what if“. I still feel torn between what I want, what I should want, and what everybody who loves me wants for me, from me. And they all want different things for me.

It makes me resistant to change. It also puts me on guilt trips and surrendering. I have tried to explain myself when I try to take a stand for myself. All in vain. I have more guilt in my conscience than pride.

My exam is in two weeks, and I can see myself needing to repeat. Just to get a better score in Math. I feel like I am surrounded by spite. It’s not just an instinct, it’s a definite. It shouldn’t bother me, and normally it doesn’t. But their spite is turning into actions against me, and here I am, trying to find a way out forever.

Different opportunities are arising from different corners of the world, but I find myself hanging on to where I am. And I don’t even know why. I hate almost everything about it.

I was left speechlessly in shock when nobody knew why I obsessively freaked out that a body lotion had urea in its ingredients, because they had never heard of the term urea.

It continously bothers me they are living sponges to everything TV tells them, but not sponge enough to absorb what’s between the lines, what it hides behind all its faces.

Ignorance of every single person makes me want to put a bullet through my head. And with how busy life is here, I feel horrible being the last one to get the news that is making headlines around the world.

I don’t want to become this person. There is so little, but at the same time so much, going on I keep losing sight of things. Maybe I’ll be ready when the real time for change will finally come along. And it’s getting close.

It would have been so simple. I just drag on with the same job to survive the next few months. Come January, I go on that reunion trip with my girls, and then back here, pack everything and return home. And await a reply from the programs I applied to. And meantime, start work there and figure it out from there.

Except now, I let people in. I let myself become somebody to someone before I could become me. Maybe it’s healthier to grow with someone to increase in compatibility, than grow up and then find someone who is hopefully compatible. So now, at this stage, I cannot eliminate him from big life decisions when he is starting to see me in his.

But the end of January next year is still hanging over our heads. With trying to live the moment, making the most of what we for sure have together, it’s all good for him because he is a one-step-at-a-time kind of person. I am more of a planner. I need to know what I am taking with me, what I’m leaving behind, so I can have less things to worry about.

I didn’t have to say or ask, he made his feelings for me clear and I know I have his word. If I am in, he’d do anything to stay with me. It’s just me, and my unsure future. I am keeping my emotions on hold till I know.

I admit, I hate to want to miss out on being appreciated and adored and loved. It has come in my life after so many years. He’s so much above all the useless guys and their useless intentions, and yeah, I shall be all girlie-girl about it and admit I love the feeling of meaning so much to someone that I actually find his cheesiness kinda cute sometimes.

In the end, I know I have one of the folowing choices to make.

1. To go back home to my family who I do miss but to a life I don’t think I can live anymore after being on my own for so many years. And move to New Zealand or Dubai from there in case I do not get in the schools here.

2. To come back here when I get in school and I am set from making any big life decisions for the next 5 years.

3. To do the hard thing and tell my parents about this boy who will convert to my religion if that is what it takes to be with me, and then figure out my career from there.

4. To mysteriously disappear when my landlords decide to use me as their ritualistic blood sacrifice. And then I won’t have anything to worry about when I’m gone.

And who would have thought… all decisions revolve around my career. I can hear those voices say I am gonna lose everything chasing a career which I might never even have, because I am leaving behind what my real meaning of life should be, what my legacy is supposed to be… (taken from the movie premier of Sinister I saw last night, which is hella scary – you should watch!) But, who is to say if I do not take a chance?

And the other voices that say I am not yet 30, I am only a woman and I should just marry into something financially stable (but which I know will be a financially stable arsehole) and then settle in a good enough career.

No, it’s not about money. When I think about it, it’s all about giving my parents the joy of seeing their children being successful and happy. I will do whatever and not complain because I am not really sure most of the time if I like something or if I hate something… most of the time I could care less about having an opinion about everything. All I know is, I just want to be happy. And at this stage where I have only hit 2 milestones of my life – high school and college graduation – I am still figuring out what really does make me happy.