The Battle Between ‘What-If’ and ‘So-What’

12 Oct

Sometimes, I really don’t know what I’m doing and why. It’s like, I see the end but I hang on to “what if“. I still feel torn between what I want, what I should want, and what everybody who loves me wants for me, from me. And they all want different things for me.

It makes me resistant to change. It also puts me on guilt trips and surrendering. I have tried to explain myself when I try to take a stand for myself. All in vain. I have more guilt in my conscience than pride.

My exam is in two weeks, and I can see myself needing to repeat. Just to get a better score in Math. I feel like I am surrounded by spite. It’s not just an instinct, it’s a definite. It shouldn’t bother me, and normally it doesn’t. But their spite is turning into actions against me, and here I am, trying to find a way out forever.

Different opportunities are arising from different corners of the world, but I find myself hanging on to where I am. And I don’t even know why. I hate almost everything about it.

I was left speechlessly in shock when nobody knew why I obsessively freaked out that a body lotion had urea in its ingredients, because they had never heard of the term urea.

It continously bothers me they are living sponges to everything TV tells them, but not sponge enough to absorb what’s between the lines, what it hides behind all its faces.

Ignorance of every single person makes me want to put a bullet through my head. And with how busy life is here, I feel horrible being the last one to get the news that is making headlines around the world.

I don’t want to become this person. There is so little, but at the same time so much, going on I keep losing sight of things. Maybe I’ll be ready when the real time for change will finally come along. And it’s getting close.

It would have been so simple. I just drag on with the same job to survive the next few months. Come January, I go on that reunion trip with my girls, and then back here, pack everything and return home. And await a reply from the programs I applied to. And meantime, start work there and figure it out from there.

Except now, I let people in. I let myself become somebody to someone before I could become me. Maybe it’s healthier to grow with someone to increase in compatibility, than grow up and then find someone who is hopefully compatible. So now, at this stage, I cannot eliminate him from big life decisions when he is starting to see me in his.

But the end of January next year is still hanging over our heads. With trying to live the moment, making the most of what we for sure have together, it’s all good for him because he is a one-step-at-a-time kind of person. I am more of a planner. I need to know what I am taking with me, what I’m leaving behind, so I can have less things to worry about.

I didn’t have to say or ask, he made his feelings for me clear and I know I have his word. If I am in, he’d do anything to stay with me. It’s just me, and my unsure future. I am keeping my emotions on hold till I know.

I admit, I hate to want to miss out on being appreciated and adored and loved. It has come in my life after so many years. He’s so much above all the useless guys and their useless intentions, and yeah, I shall be all girlie-girl about it and admit I love the feeling of meaning so much to someone that I actually find his cheesiness kinda cute sometimes.

In the end, I know I have one of the folowing choices to make.

1. To go back home to my family who I do miss but to a life I don’t think I can live anymore after being on my own for so many years. And move to New Zealand or Dubai from there in case I do not get in the schools here.

2. To come back here when I get in school and I am set from making any big life decisions for the next 5 years.

3. To do the hard thing and tell my parents about this boy who will convert to my religion if that is what it takes to be with me, and then figure out my career from there.

4. To mysteriously disappear when my landlords decide to use me as their ritualistic blood sacrifice. And then I won’t have anything to worry about when I’m gone.

And who would have thought… all decisions revolve around my career. I can hear those voices say I am gonna lose everything chasing a career which I might never even have, because I am leaving behind what my real meaning of life should be, what my legacy is supposed to be… (taken from the movie premier of Sinister I saw last night, which is hella scary – you should watch!) But, who is to say if I do not take a chance?

And the other voices that say I am not yet 30, I am only a woman and I should just marry into something financially stable (but which I know will be a financially stable arsehole) and then settle in a good enough career.

No, it’s not about money. When I think about it, it’s all about giving my parents the joy of seeing their children being successful and happy. I will do whatever and not complain because I am not really sure most of the time if I like something or if I hate something… most of the time I could care less about having an opinion about everything. All I know is, I just want to be happy. And at this stage where I have only hit 2 milestones of my life – high school and college graduation – I am still figuring out what really does make me happy.

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2 Responses to “The Battle Between ‘What-If’ and ‘So-What’”

  1. C October 14, 2012 at 19:55 #

    at the end of the day, it should be about what makes you happy!?

    • numnumzie October 15, 2012 at 16:31 #

      i know, it hasn’t been as easy lately :\

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