Archive | November, 2012

Volcano

29 Nov

My blog is for people who do not know me, for a legit reason. I don’t want people who see me to know what I am about, what my life is about. I do not want them judging me, I do not want them feeling pity on me. I do not want any human empathy, for several reasons.

Take the following analogy:

I like how a volcano can form and erupt around me, and I did not even see it coming. Hence, being unprepared, I took the only safety measure available: get the hell out of there.

Now, the lava is burning down all roads and bridges and there doesn’t seem to be a way to go back. There is too much danger right now, and even after it cools down, there is going to be so much mess to clean up before it looks like before. If it ever will.

Oh well. That was all I had to say.

The Sweetest Ever

28 Nov

The moment at work every one is talking about how sweet our coworker is, with no knowledge I am dating him. Lol. Well, at least, they all approve of him ūüôā

Middle Child? You’re Screwed.

25 Nov

Hello, blog world. Hello, my safe haven to let out everything that is on my mind – well, almost everything. There are some things that are safer not said out loud. I took my sweet time to figure out my options, and did some self-research and what the ever it is.

So my conclusion was I will go back home. Yeah, I am not doing much here. Career wise. Barely surviving. But, at least, learning to come out of my shell and stay out of it. Which I don’t think I will ever fully accomplish. Sometimes, I just do not want to converse, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. But, my confidence building process shall remain incomplete as I move back home where I can lock myself in my room to be in solitude.

Until, well, I move on to my job hunt in the Emirates. Worst part is the interview process. I stand by my belief that this whole process is uber waste of time. Where I have not interviewed for jobs and secured the position, I have actually done much better. But, you have to continuously seem interested in the interviewer when they are clearly not interesting. All I really want to know is what my responsibilities are, and all I really need to do is prove to you I can do it. Which, looking at several job descriptions, I know I can totally handle. The only problem is always going to be the nerve-wrecking feeling of being in the hot seat, being evaluated, being judged. I’m sorry I had too many traumatic experiences in my childhood in the area of evaluation and being in the interview room destroys me down to pieces.

Oh well, has to happen. I don’t know how many weeks and months of therapy is actually needed to heal a traumatized personality. Sabrina has helped me put up a strong face for the world. But when I stopped feeling like I needed her, I began to lose her. I began to lose the only person strong enough to possess me and give me the boost I always needed.

Either way, it’s happening. Come March, I say goodbye to every piece of me I built here. My college friends who stood by me through my gruesome experiences. Even though I am in a different city, there was always the convenience of taking a weekend off to go see each other. It was only a¬†let’s plan it away. Now, that is never going to happen again.

And, the fact that it had barely been a week that I was able to say those cheesy three words back to my boyfriend. Barely been a week that I felt like I was ready to take the step away from fun and games to¬†let’s see what we can¬†become. And it was decided that I have to leave. That’s how cursed I am in terms of relationships. The ever-so-emotional conversations happened, and now we are just living it on to our inevitable end. I had no choice but to choose. The shitty part where I had to choose between him and not being disowned by my family. He understood, tried to smile, and I will never forget his words: “you’re the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me.”

Well, best relationships are short and sweet rather than long and miserable. Who knows how hard it would eventually become to tolerate each other in the long run, eh?

What is the core of all my internal battles and relationship issues and indecisiveness? I’m the middle child. After a careful comparison to several other middle children, I feel credible enough to state that 90% of all psychological disorders occur among the middle children. We lack the positive attention from parents, we internalize our emotions, we either like being alone and detach ourselves from all human beings, or when we choose to build relationships, we do so outside of family and we hold these relationships very dear to us. It’s only psychology. More prone to depression, more prone to becoming silent from years of not being taken seriously or just simply being ignored, more prone to destructive outbursts when there is no more room to contain anything inside anymore, just simply more prone to feeling and believing we are misunderstood.

Only a middle child would understand what I am actually talking about. I speak after researching works of several psychologists who have written about middle child syndrome. The condition actually has a name. That makes it a serious condition, eh?

Low self-esteem? Check. More the most part.

Shyness? Uh, we can definitely check that too.

Problem Child? Ha. No doubt about that too.

Every time there is any child in a family causing chaos, it is the middle child. I guess the death of a middle child is probably much easier to get over, too. Especially when added to the syndrome is a bigger challenge of being the less gifted of the older and younger sibling. There is no recovering from that.

Sometimes, it’s a guilty feeling I can’t get out of me when I think the daily text I get from my parents asking if I am home is something they do out of responsibility. Something they have to do to show me they care I exist because they did bring me into this world. And, it sucks because it is not their fault either now, when for more than half my already lived life, I remained the last child to cross their minds. What was approved or taken lightly for my other siblings was never so done for me. Now, it’s come to the point where communicating with my blood is hard. Pointless for the most part. They all could care less, and I should just not either.

What am I supposed to be drawn towards when there is only one person holding my hand and telling me they support whatever decision I make, even if it negatively affects them? And I am going ahead with a decision against them and they still accept me? Mind games.

The healthiest families are the ones with two children – the oldest and the youngest. Both are equally loved and praised and held accountable for. If I am ever again lucky enough to receive the love that leads to marriage, I am NOT having more than two kids, and I am not having just one. I’d be damned if I start the vicious cycle of psychologically putting my child through the misery I have lived through, and am continuing to till I am put to rest.

Come March, it’s an all-in situation. My dad tried to tell me whatever will happen will only be good thereon. And it’s the biggest gamble with my life – either they will win and my life becomes an open road of endless opportunities, or what we all feared happening – a dead end. Either way, this seems to be some way of proving to me I actually matter. If a better future that they are so strongly¬†guaranteeing¬†me does not actually happen, well… I will age holding on to memories, accepting no blame on myself or my choices.

A parent’s love is greater than any other person’s love, eh? I am leaving it all for them anyways, trusting they know what they are doing. So they best give it to me so I feel it enough to not crave any outside sources of affection. And they best be right about my future, or it would be a serious struggle to not blame them for messing up my Plan B.

Too Afraid?

24 Nov

It is no breaking news I am a bottle full of anger, hidden from most pretty well. Most of it comes from existing chauvinism and ignorance. And cowardice. I dream in my sleep of guns and fights, I daydream about punching some people to death. But based on my physical strength, that is just not going to happen. You could say disturbed, but my blood boils on several issues.

Right in this moment, if I could be a leader, I would lead my country to back up Palestine. The last week full of Israel-Gaza headlines has pretty much made me mad. And I do not understand why and how the world continues to remain blind to what is really going on. And they are all accepting of a clear massacre and taking over land. And worse, have been granted immunity. They can kill and control how much food comes in, and they get away with it. I say it’s a shame Iran is the only one trying and suggesting help. They are the only ones fearless right now. Everybody else in the Middle East, go jump off a cliff.

That is why the world should be lead by younger people. You might say they will mess up the economy, but trust me, they won’t have ulterior hidden motives and they won’t be as thirsty for riches that they approve of murder. Young people live by “live and let live” and if that was the motto of every leader right now, the world and the economy would be so simple.

Like why don’t the old leaders get one simple thing? At most, you have 15 to 20 more years on you, and you are not getting any sexier. You might as well earn the majority’s love and respect before you lie down in your grave and see what you really did.

If there is anything I know, the first place to start would be to unite. You united during the uprise, you unite now, as a whole country, to stand up for the innocents in Palestine. They had over 90% of their land stolen from them in a very very short time, and Israel has all the support it could ask for. Yeah, I am speaking in favour of another Gulf War. Let’s see what they can do when a bunch of countries attack Israel. Be destroyed in two days for sure.

Yeah, that is another story for America and Britain are going to do, but have you Arabs forgotten Who you are supposed to fear more than death? Have you!??

Longest Road To Nowhere

13 Nov

Scenario 1:

I start a life with my boyfriend and give up on my family. Who knows what will become but I halfway win. My name, my identity, will be burned along with everything of my past.

Scenario 2:

I return home, obviously with the greatest feeling of defeat I have ever felt, and end all ties with my boyfriend to make my family happy. What happens of me there? I drown in sorrow refusing to try anymore for anything. Or I do manage to get out to some place else and be thrown in someone else’s care while I work whatever job I am working.

Scenario 3:

I go home, and hope I get into school so I can come back here. Long shot but who knows we might have another shot to making it work? But yeah, that is not happening.

Either way, I am losing. Why is being here so important to me? Maybe I suffered here, but I also had the most emotional support here. I had the itsy bitsy pieces of the life I wanted here. My freedom, my free will, my own boss to the little decisions about what time I can come home at night.

I look at my tiny apartment and it is made up of the first few pieces of me being my own person. It is my first step, where I am trying to build myself up to proceed to the second step. This is where my post college life as I dreamed of began. This is where I was first appreciated, first learned I can be loved for who I am and want to be.

I know Scenario 2 and 3 will only increase my demotivation levels because of the feelings of defeat. I lost a dream I had of me in the city before it could turn all real. Before I build up the belief I had in myself. Yeah, I am just a child who all her life had to be second choice for everything that now, she grasps on to everything that makes her feel the first and only option.

Take it all away. I would fight, but there is only this much pain I can cause others and myself. I would be happier in a situation where if I don’t win myself, no one does. No one gets me, no one sees me. Let’s all lose and call it quits on each other. Aren’t we all just better off alone, anyway?

Overcoming Powerlessness

10 Nov

Malala is an inspiration. Just a little girl, with a big simple dream. What makes us different? I let myself believe for most of my life I cannot do things I want to. Every time I had an opinion or idea, I was always undermined and I eventually shut up.

Social pressures. One thing society has succeeded in is destroying my esteem to such an extent I am still struggling to jumpstart and act upon the voice in my head. The voice in my head since I was a little girl. I realize, maybe, if I had not feared people out if respect for them, I would have been a little further than I am as of now.

I would not have to pretend. Pretend to know nothing, pretend to care about things I do not, and show no knowledge of things I do care about. A victim of fitting in for the most part. Apart from some things here and there that I was always held my own for, I am somewhat a victim of wanting in on the in-crowd.

I know I can’t change the several years of damage – it has been done. I know it is time to move past, I know everything I am supposed to do. What I would really like is to wake up one morning and forget all my past, only know my present and am set on my future. Everything in my past is a scar, most of my present is a waste except the steps I am taking towards tomorrow.

What I should do is say what I want, where and when I should say it. What I should do is break out of the cycle, just like how I broke out of cycles in the past. Only this time, I am not going to be caught in another. If there was really an overnight memory erase process like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. One that is more publicly available with easier access.

It’s an ongoing struggle. Many would say I should probably get into therapy to find the root of it all, but I have already found it. I already know it. And I know of every decision that was a result of it. And, it is true that knowing lets you take progressive steps.

For one, it helped me realize just where I come from and why I had certain ambitions. It lead to completeing my personal essay and research interests. So, progress. It gave me a moment’s courage to stand up against the authority I never dared speak up to, mostly out of respect. I guess these are steps toward putting myself first. Even though beliefs I was raised with is another angry voice inside my head which sometimes makes me fear my new drive, I am fighting it.

Maybe, someday, my doubts in myself will all be a joke in the past. For now, still fighting, with more hope this time I will make it.