Overcoming Powerlessness

10 Nov

Malala is an inspiration. Just a little girl, with a big simple dream. What makes us different? I let myself believe for most of my life I cannot do things I want to. Every time I had an opinion or idea, I was always undermined and I eventually shut up.

Social pressures. One thing society has succeeded in is destroying my esteem to such an extent I am still struggling to jumpstart and act upon the voice in my head. The voice in my head since I was a little girl. I realize, maybe, if I had not feared people out if respect for them, I would have been a little further than I am as of now.

I would not have to pretend. Pretend to know nothing, pretend to care about things I do not, and show no knowledge of things I do care about. A victim of fitting in for the most part. Apart from some things here and there that I was always held my own for, I am somewhat a victim of wanting in on the in-crowd.

I know I can’t change the several years of damage – it has been done. I know it is time to move past, I know everything I am supposed to do. What I would really like is to wake up one morning and forget all my past, only know my present and am set on my future. Everything in my past is a scar, most of my present is a waste except the steps I am taking towards tomorrow.

What I should do is say what I want, where and when I should say it. What I should do is break out of the cycle, just like how I broke out of cycles in the past. Only this time, I am not going to be caught in another. If there was really an overnight memory erase process like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. One that is more publicly available with easier access.

It’s an ongoing struggle. Many would say I should probably get into therapy to find the root of it all, but I have already found it. I already know it. And I know of every decision that was a result of it. And, it is true that knowing lets you take progressive steps.

For one, it helped me realize just where I come from and why I had certain ambitions. It lead to completeing my personal essay and research interests. So, progress. It gave me a moment’s courage to stand up against the authority I never dared speak up to, mostly out of respect. I guess these are steps toward putting myself first. Even though beliefs I was raised with is another angry voice inside my head which sometimes makes me fear my new drive, I am fighting it.

Maybe, someday, my doubts in myself will all be a joke in the past. For now, still fighting, with more hope this time I will make it.

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