Archive | December, 2012

The Beginning of An End

25 Dec

He said this horrible truth the other day, where how several couples do not know whether they will be forever or not, and here we are, knowing exactly what will be of us, and when. Yet, we carry on. He would say something nice about what I mean to him everyday, and also tell me on occassion that he doesn’t think I love him anymore. That normally happens after long days at work where I am just too tired and frustrated, and all hugging and kissing just seems like effort I do not have energy to put in. Yet, we carry on. Maybe, because, we are not ready to let go. Maybe because his feelings are real, and I’m scared that any next step in our relationship to becoming serious would require of me to ask him to change several things about him. I can be a bully. I think something, I say it. When I think of someone as close to me, I do not sugar-coat the truth. I lack the ability to. I do that for him to push him towards dreams he talks about. But is it possible to still be in love, while trying to slowly detach your feelings so that day in March is not a punch in the face? I look at him and it makes me smile. I still unwind by talking way more than he sometimes wants to listens. I love to do little things with him, like the one time we made dinner together. I tease him calling him my part-time husband, and reminding him of traditional responsibilities, and he does it back. And, he still makes me laugh without fail. And I still see him as the person who accepted me with all my past – the mistakes I made, the nightmares that I lived through, and my hardcore anti-chauvinistic beliefs. So, I guess, that is love. Love that knows it has a time bomb attached to it. Love that happened despite knowing there are several things that stand between us and our future together. Like, our different religions. It does not matter to him. It matters to me. It matters to me more than it matters to my parents I marry someone of my faith. It is something I wanted to do, just a little differently than they probably hoped for me. So, that is that. I fell too sick to get out of bed today. I couldn’t be with him and his family for his Christmas, and he calls and courtesy-uninvited me. I guess maybe because he thinks I am trying to avoid his mother, and also he didn’t want his family to wait for me when they are all hungry and I am not even able to get out of bed. This, is what set off the alarm. Exclusion from events important to us. I’ll see him later today anyways, but it is where I sense more and more that it is all coming to an end. But, we have our first NYE, Valentine’s Day, as well as our first getaway together planned out. First, and last? Anyway, it is probably time to become blind again to the future, and look at the present I have with him – it is a relief I found him to love instead of someone else who would take all my energy to feel a sense of appreciation. I’m glad I’m with him.

Advertisements

Skeptical and Defensive

19 Dec

One thing I am starting to realize about myself is, that I am highly defensive. I constantly feel every one around me wants me to suffer, and no one is up to any good for me. Or, maybe it’s just lately.

It all started to make sense to me when some people started pointing out I am getting defensive when no one is attacking me in any way. But I kept thinking they were. I kept thinking they want to secretly see me suffer. I could not trust them.

Then, it all became clear when I started to blame my parents for trying to take me away from something I want. I felt they did not understand, and had some agenda behind everything. Then I convinced myself my boyfriend’s mother hates me now since I am leaving soon anyway. So, I started making excuses when it came to seeing his family. I felt guilty, and I felt she glared at me every time she even looked at me. He has tried to convince me several times she had nothing against me, but I cannot get over it. Maybe it’s my defensive personality, or maybe, for once, I am actually right.

I don’t know how I became this way, where every one is my enemy, and there is no one I can trust. The first time it was ever pointed out was early this year by people at work. I always took this person for too much of an arse and hence, never enjoyed his sarcasm.

Last night, I stayed up researching about defensive personalities and what causes them, and most of it revolved around childhood trauma and past betrayal, and the defensiveness can evolve at any time in later life.

Meh. I know somewhere down the road I have to become less skeptical, but this all results from probably the constant comment through high school about being too innocent and trusting of people, that I totally reformed. Over-correction. I don’t think I can ever go back to accepting any one is doing anything good for me, and as a result, constantly endanger all relationships that could possibly be the best thing ever.

Endless Possibilities

8 Dec

I feel like in such a better position right now. Like, I’m at peace with where my life is right now and where it is heading.

I read several articles about recent graduates with in even worse stages in their career and then I am like, of course, the economy. Most of the graduates I read about were from Northern Europe, where there are just no jobs. All are moving to the far away continent of Australia, or Canada, where staying out of the rest of the world’s business has helped them keep their economy stable and growing. So, hence, I am grateful.

I talked to my father and he agreed my next destination can be Australia or New Zealand wherever I wish. Although, I did not mention to him most grads going there are working in hospitality and pluckong fruits in fields. But, they afford a decent living, and it is still a legit way to learn about other cultures you do not normally come in contact with.

So now, I have several roads to choose from. And, all of them are open. Here is my chance to travel and live in several parts of the world, associate with several people, and basically, enjoy my life in peace.

As for relationships, I should have probably taken precaution before exchanging feelings. Now, I know. After this, I will be back on to avoiding relationships on the whole, because the heartbreak that is inevitably going to follow is just not something I seem to have patience for.

Road 1 would be to come back for my PhD. Road 2 would be settling in the Emirates. Road 3 would be a year in Australia, after working a few months in Saudi Arabia. So either way, I have come to peace with whatever life is going to offer me. There is a hidden adventure in each direction, and well, I am down for the ride.

Once Upon a Time, I Wrote a Twisted Murder Mystery

5 Dec

Something in the middle of the day reminded me of this crazy murder mystery I once wrote. When I was, I guess, around 9 years old. Or even years earlier. It was when I was first starting to learn to write with a pen, and had nothing better to write.

Odd? Well, it was a twisted version of Alice in Wonderland. And written in limited vocabulary. I still had a copy of it in my “creative” shoe box I kept hidden in my closet back home. I am still hoping it is there.

The whole thing randomly crossed my mind. I had written it in a course of a few days, and I remember I read it again some years ago, and totally loved it. I was pleasantly surprised by my imagination at such a young age. It was full of twists and turns and, of course, a talking Mr. Rabbit. I enjoyed how I had introduced every character, and all of them had a story of their own. All suffered some kind of loss.

I don’t know why my childhood writing experiment crossed my mind. I had a riddle in the story, and I don’t even know the origin of the riddle. I remember, it started something like, “If an ant had three brothers…”

I searched all over the internet. There is nothing about ants with brothers related to any book or TV I could have come across as a child. When I think about it, I never read the book Alice in Wonderland past the moment she fell into the hole. I just happened to create something myself. And no, I was not on drugs either as a child. That would be completely absurd.

Needless to say, I want to read my own book again. I want to get in touch with my inner Sidney Sheldon. I want to be that imaginative again. Tad bit too twisted for a little girl, eh? Well, shortly after this, I had also written a children’s story =) It was about these imaginary animals in an enchanted forest. I barely remember much of it – just that the waterfall in the middle of the forest was extremely significant.

I am suddenly intrigued to find out what inspired me to write about an orphaned Alice with a big heart who had experienced something traumatic when she was 3, and when she was older (but still not old enough), caught the culprit. I might have watched a lot of action-thriller and horror movies, but I definitely do not recall anything close to what I had written.

If I met this little girl now, I know I would be greatly intrigued by her, wanting to know more about her mind. Was I a genius. Now, I have filled up a once wonderful brain with uber worldly crap. I have to find the time and patience to empty it to return to my original state.