Mistakes I Made In Love

18 Apr

We all make mistakes throughout life, and we all learn from them and try to do things differently the next time. Lately, with my long-distance relationship with J on rocks, I was forced to look back and evaluate what had happened that we are here now. And, where one side of me wants to accept all the blame and the other side doesn’t want to accept any of it to be my fault, I managed to reach a midpoint where I realized what my mistakes were – mistakes I had made from the moment I decided to be in a relationship at all.

1. He is a good guy; he will make a good boyfriend.

For growing up in the city, it was impressive J never tried any kinds of drugs, never smoked, drank only on extremely rare situations, stayed home with family at nights instead of gang-banging  and he sincerely liked me. He never fooled around with anyone, respected the sanctity of relationships. So overall, he seemed like a nice and different-than-what-I-was-used-to package to have. So, I loved him for that. Those kinds of genetic traits would be great to live with. Other things were ignored – such as the next point.

2. I forgot that good, decent boyfriends should evolve into good, providing husbands.

From time to time, J mentioned about what he would rather be doing with his life. His fear of failure, however, kept him from trying. Deciding what it means to be a caring girlfriend, all I did was try to convince him it is already time to start working on his ambitions. I dug up information about his dream career and present it to him – of how that will benefit him, and benefit the family he hopes to someday have. And I would say it every time he was sick of his current job and said he wants to do something else. Simply TRYING to reach this milestone was something I hoped he would have done before I was to go back, before I was to introduce him to my family, before we were to get married. Show me that he understands it is important to me that he feels fulfilled with his life. Worst case scenario, it could have been a few years of trying before he would have gotten there.

3. I tried to help him.

He had begun to complain about his feelings of incompetency – when I took him to social circles where everyone has at least a Bachelor’s degree, and are applying or already enrolled in Masters and PhD programs. He felt attacked every time someone challenged him, and made him feel they are better than him – when they clearly did not even suggest that. So, through my tough love techniques, I suggested these feelings can disappear if he gets off his ass and does something about it. That is where I became a bitch.

4. I concluded from endless accusations that I am really a selfish bitch, so I apologized, and backed off.

I was not exactly called a bitch per se; it was just implied how I am the villain. I was made to see myself in a different light, where I am selfish and I have changed from what I used to be and how I am obsessively controlling and dominating [I like how it’s perfectly acceptable to be a dominatrix, but a woman dare not have a dominating personality], and how I am driving him to want to die by speaking about my feelings. So I backed off.

Because wanting somebody you thought you would spend the rest of your life with to feel fulfilled in life is so selfish.

5. I realized too late I had no support for my aspirations.

I talked a lot about what I wanted to do – and I tried a lot to get where I want to be. Be it as mean and selfish as it could, I knew I was not going to let an unambitious person in my life stop me from fulfilling my own life’s purpose. I looked into schools all over, I took the GMAT with almost zero time on my hands to study for them, I applied any way, and I kept applying for jobs I wanted a career out of in the meantime too – even those that would cause us to drift apart.

And he blamed me, and resented me for doing this. It was like, he rather I stay the way I am and we will build a life out of where we were. I was never encouraged. I was made to feel guilty because I wanted time alone to study, because I did not hesitate in stating that I will move if education and career opportunities arise in a different corner of the world.

So, I added he is more than welcome to come with me. He said I don’t care what he wants. “What do you want?” and he replied, “to stay here where I am!”

6. Somewhere along the line, of the constant fighting and guilt-tripping each other, I realized I lost respect for him. And yet, I stayed.

So well, I am now the bitch. When we are going to fall through, he will go around telling his friends and family and future girlfriends how I never let him breathe, how I suffocated him by throwing his dreams at him. I would be the selfish ex who cares only about what I want to do with my life, and for wanting things out of his life.

And, because of his several declarations stating how much he needs me, I do not know how to tell it to him that a break would be best for us. I don’t know how to explain to him that while I do still probably love him, I forgot how to miss him. I do not have the feeling of being in love anymore. I do not live feeling an empty feeling, I do not go to bed smiling about him, and I do not wake up thinking of him. I actually believe there is no cure for his procrastination in his life. I actually believed for a while there I am obsessively controlling, until I was jolted into the reality that I never pushed anything on him. Merely suggested.

7. I evaluated us in a serious-relationship context way too late.

One of the worst things we women do is tell our girlfriends to take it easy, to go with the flow when we start a new relationship. What we are really supposed to do is know that relationships are supposed to get serious at some point – and if they are not getting there, then there is a problem.

Speaking generally, we all want a faithful and successful husband; a man successful enough to be happy with his life, and to be able to provide for the family. But when it comes to a boyfriend, financial stability doesn’t matter. How the chemistry feels is the main concern. And, of course, we plan on not caring, and not thinking too much of where we are and where we are going.

This is THE stupidest idea. Because, sooner or later, one of us is going to fall in love with the other, and soon plans to be together forever are going to have to be made. And then, little things are going to start mattering.

I mean, I knew what I always wanted in a man. I figured I will evaluate J in that manner when the time comes. I figured that when he will be in love with me, he will slowly start to see me in a manner where he would just magically want to TRY to give me the stars and the moon, like he always said he wanted to – because I deserved it.

How effin’ romantic!

But, that never came to happen. All I got was a “Back off! Then I will be happier. The happier I am, the less I will cheat, too.” That is what it came down to. It came down to, in his own words, calming down my personality to suit his needs. Ouch.

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Mistakes I Made In Love”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Re-Evaluation Time | Gwen Owens of Relationships Start With You - May 1, 2013

    […] Mistakes I Made In Love (numzical.wordpress.com) […]

  2. Do you like your life? | Spread Information - May 4, 2013

    […] Mistakes I Made In Love (numzical.wordpress.com) […]

  3. Do you like your life? | Madeline Scribes - October 28, 2013

    […] Mistakes I Made In Love (numzical.wordpress.com) […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: