Archive | June, 2013

For Women Who Are Difficult To Love

30 Jun

[Warsan Shire]

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

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Part 1: Idea

30 Jun

Two weeks away in Dubai. It was fun, an escape from a sleep-eat-pray-tv routine. Also was a new sort of eye-opener – we learn something new everyday.

Back home now, lethargy taking over mostly because I feel in jetlag mode, and the hot weather makes me not want to move.

It is life right now that is waiting to jumpstart. I read this quote the other day how life is like a bow-and-arrow where it pulls you back before it throws you forward at your target, so we should never stop aiming. Oh, I have an aim. I know of several things that will make me happy – number one being a simple need to be on my own. And that is what just doesn’t seem to happen.

Where I once broke out, I am back in again. My life is like a bad remake of Prison Break – get out only to be in again, plotting another great escape. Even there I believe they didn’t do it alone – they broke out with the help of each other. Where is my partner in crime when I need one o.O

Nice or Right?

26 Jun

They say if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. But I say, if you have something right to say even if it destroys more than it heals, then do not shut up till you have spoken your heart out. Screw being nice. Nothing will be achieved with silence – you will either remain silently miserable, or become even more pathetic to bear.

Knowing, Anyway

20 Jun

It’s an odd thought, but have you ever noticed… that moment you are falling asleep to conversations in the background, your mind starting to process the incoming information in such a manner that you know exactly what will be said next, and if it will be followed by some external noise?

It has been like that with me, for as long as I can remember. Falling asleep to people talking or to the television, and it isn’t surroundings leading my thoughts, it is my thoughts leading the surroundings is what it seemed like. And times when I was completely zoned out concentrating on nothing, in moments of absolute calmness, where I knew exactly what will be said next – even if the thought was the most random word ever. I knew exactly in what direction the conversation was going to go, I knew if there would be screaming or laughing or anything of that sort. I never understood then why.

I know brain waves are fastest when we are our calmest with no brain strain. It makes me wonder if that solitude and placidity makes the brain work in such a manner you become a little – for lack of a better word – psychic?

I remember only three to four deaths in my lifetime. One was an elementary school friend I lost touch with after moving for middle school, two of my friends’ dads, and my own grandmother. I remember the time when I woke up crying thinking of my grandmother with a strong feeling something terrible had happened and later that evening was told she passed away. I remember having a dream of my friend saying goodbye to me, and I learned years later he died around the time I had that dream. I remember being my perky self all day long until suddenly I was sitting in a corner and crying and I didn’t understand why and no one understood – just a feeling I felt before others did – because few moments later everyone was crying when received the news of the death of my friend’s father. This happened with the death of both of my friends’ fathers.

It makes me wonder. About the power of the human mind. We have so many secrets within ourselves, few have chosen to explore it ever so secretively. I wonder how they are able to hide their discoveries from public knowledge. Is it just a gifted ability or a wonder of science I never paid attention to before until a certain situation in life recently made me think about it? Is it a derivative of empathy… I would totally conduct experiments on myself to figure out why and how… or I can focus on making it better and stronger cuz somewhere it will benefit me. Or I can just come to the conclusion I might just be a freak :/

Realize.

17 Jun

There is only one way to survive in this world, and that is to not show your good, because your good makes you weak. That is the knowledge that you will succeed being a youngling only when you become – or portray yourself as – a cutthroat bitch.

When you have the face of a young teenage girl, when you give excessive amounts of free warm-smiles, when you are welcoming and accepting of people, when it is because you look 16 that men are programmed to not take you seriously as an adult … that is when you realize you are giving the world what it wants, you are letting them eat you alive. You gotta be rough around the edges so you are painful to swallow. Get them with the element of surprise. Do not go trying to fix everything and everyone who happens to cross your path – you do not have the obligation to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders when it will not do the same for you. What you do is burn it to the ground. Be firm, be fair. Possess the spirit of vengeance, be unforgiving.

Remember, moderation in its best form – do not be so sweet they swallow you in, do not be so sour they spit you out. That is how you win the battle of yourself against the world, when you constantly get told your face is too young-looking, and these entry-level professions would be best. That is how you destroy their superficial minds – be the bitch* they did not expect you could be.

*hate using the word bitch, but apparently society uses only that to define a strong, determined woman who does what men do to be called men.

The Ghost In Me

10 Jun

You glide ever so softly. Nobody feels your presence. Nobody feels your absence. You come and you go, you may make a drastic change. Yet, the footprints disappear somehow. You sway away smoothly in the minds of people, and creep out unnoticed. You exist between the shadow and the soul. You’re an invisible entity, only acknowledged and felt and realized by a chosen few.

First Impression. WRONG Impression.

9 Jun

“The quiet one.

The shy one.

The simple one.

The hesitant one.”

They still think that about me. I’m sorry I do not think I want to show you a piece of my mind. We are all different people, and our comfort level varies based on our past experiences – those who were welcomed with open arms grow up confident in social situations. Those who were ignored or shunned grow up to want to stay invisible.

I am the latter. I choose to be invisible. However, when I want attention I know just how to get it – and it is never something good. So strangers should just appreciate my silence in their presence. I do not find you interesting and trusting enough to be myself around. Not all of us are trained to grow up into social butterflies.

People should just give a break and let others be. The more you judge, the more I’ll naturally hate. There is like no room to be accepted as the silent observer – I am able to conclude such a person’s presence is threatening.

Handful Of Anger

3 Jun

Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.

– James Russell Lowell

One of the most frequent comments I hear about myself from people is that I am angry. This is my reason.