Archive | October, 2013

Moon

17 Oct

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Look up to the sky and know I’m looking at it too
I see what you can see and I am left just as breathless as you
The moon lights up my nights, just as I am aware it does for you
You haven’t the slighest clue, but all the moon does is remind me of us two
And how I’m nothing but a lost puzzle piece without you.

Keep Me Cold

17 Oct

Let this approaching winter make its way into my soul
Let it extinguish the fire within and let it freeze everything that dwells in my blood.

There is no point in denying the bitter truths
That cut deep like a scalpel through all layers of skin
So let the blood that has kept me alive stream its way out.

Cut me open, cut me inside out and take away my summer that kept my bones warm
No point in hesitating when I’m sick of burning on the inside.

Let the winter come, let it seep into me.
Let the ice crawl through my flesh and eat away my insides
Just so that next time, I can be true to my core.

Kept me warm once now keep me cold
Take everything but leave behind the gold
With no sun in this part of the world
I can’t rot to death when I’m frozen old.

M.I.A. Literally.

9 Oct

Back! Was retardedly busy all this time, adjusting to kids and work and all the changes that come up with doing something new for the first time. Finally it is holiday season and I get these 10ish days to relax and unwind and catch up with friends I lately had no time for.

I moved from kindergarten to Grade 1 to another school, where I teach all girls and with exception of 5 girls, I do pretty amazing with them. It is easier because they are able to read and write and I can move at a faster pace with them. And concentrate on discipline. At least over here in this school, they don’t mind being tough with the kids in order to get them to behave. We can yell at them when they do not listen, and I can do the thing where “She is being a bad girl. Whoever talks to her will be a bad girl too” or “So pretty girls sit and listen to teacher” and then I get full attention on the lesson. No, I do not believe in putting words like pretty or beautiful or cute in little girls’ minds – but that was the first effective disciplinary move that actually worked.

Overall, it has been nice. Stressful days are inevitable, where I am so mad at the kids that I stay mad all day long till I lie down in bed at night. Sometimes I have dangerous ideas but then I decide against them cuz after all, they are kids. Absolutely spoiled good-for-nothing monsters. Still, kids.

I can try and make them more down-to-earth, but more than anything, I want them to be eager about learning. I want them to grow up to become theoretical physicists. The girls enjoy my lessons – they commented today they find learning fun with me. That was like a little aww moment in my head. It is the worst when I am so angry and then these girls would come and hug me and repeat “teacher, I love you” over and over till the only way to get rid of them is to return the affection.

Girls.

Oh well. Everything else is slowly unwinding beautifully. Though it seems like one thing I have managed to do is just be invisible on paper. So non-existent they can never find any record of me, it is really annoying. The only proof are the eye witnesses. First, back in the day, the hospital had every file of my family but not a single one of mine – when I had been there recently too. Unexplainable. Then today, my salary hadn’t come through, and I spent an hour at the head office and they could find no record of me – at all. All paperwork had been promptly completed and filed with other teachers as well, and only mine had to go missing. This is highly annoying. They said I should come back tomorrow and collect the pay and I have fingers crossed that they have it ready. At this rate, someday records of my whole existence will go missing. I don’t mind, but thiiis, when it concerns getting paid for hard ass jobs, I would like my records to be right there in bold and caps in front of their eyes, never to be missed.

Painful to know “I’m just a silhouette. A lifeless face you’ll soon forget.” It is more funny. It does make living in general easier, when there is nothing to hold on you – dragging you back, or freezing you in your current state. Keeps emotions on lock – that seem to come out like waterfalls during movies and even TV shows. Like the season finale of Dexter. Just everything about it, since that was my fictional charcter crush breaking into pieces. Part of me was like, “karma, son” but I still cried like a baby.

Embarrassing to admit.

Only midnight and I am already dozing off. Have to go try my luck tomorrow so I can clear my pending dues.

But I did realize though, I haven’t stuck at anything for over a year in recent years. Jobs, relationships. I get in, and get out, and replace. But since everything is temporary and is meant to fade away, then let it be. All doors are never closed all at once. There is always another option, better too. 3 more months till I actually give a shot at something long-term. Let’s see how that pans out.