Archive | April, 2014

Mad

24 Apr

I’m mad about everything. I am mad about the double-cross plots against me at work. I am about the disrespect management treats us teachers with. I am mad one of my closest friends just got married and never told us until it was done. I am mad I haven’t been able to sleep for more than two hours a night for over a week. I am mad my job description changes far too often and suddenly I am held accountable for things I was told are not my responsibility anymore.

I am mad that people aren’t just backstabbing but frontal-lobe stabbing too. And yes that is a thing too. I am mad people come to me for favors and despite a busy schedule, I try and accomodate them and even when they see I am in no mood or condition to accept any responsibility, they give me this disgusting look that is supposed to make me well, feel disgusted at myseld for refusing to help this one time. I am mad that I just don’t seem to get sick enough of people betraying me when I put my trust in them. I am mad I am that stupid to continue giving them chances after chances.

I am mad that my supervisor tried to turn my students against me, but they held me high enough to come and have a truthful clarification of matters. In the midst of it, I had just the support of a couple of coworkers who actually understood the unfairness I am being treated with and didn’t mind lending a listening ear, even if it was just out of curiosity.

I am mad I was taught to respect and honor people. I am mad I don’t say no when I need to. I am mad I am young and I will work my ass off to learn and grow. I am mad that there is no appreciation or recognition for the effort I put in. I am mad I am one of the youngest teachers and the envy of coworkers is just penetrating fires inside my skin when they see how all students simply stated I am the coolest teacher they have ever had. I am mad they pass sarcastic comments meant to hurt my almost negligible self-esteem. I am mad they don’t know shit about me and still assume. I am mad I want to turn in my letter of resignation but I can’t cuz I care about these students and I care about the money I make out of this job.

End this academic year in a month and I will never return and I will express myself fully to the director who holds me in high regard as well. As long as he is made aware of the number of bullets being fired in my direction, I know things will be better. I know he is probably the only management who will snap at any and everyone who create a hostile work environment for me.

A Day’s Breather

11 Apr

Survived Pakiland. Survived one of the funniest embarrassing moments of my life. Survived meeting extended family, and well actually had a good experience right there cuz this wasn’t that horrible side of the family. I even got along with my cousins, which I was surprised went so well. I guess part of me looked at them as the same age as my students though they are barely just 4 to 6 years younger.

Came home after a week of wedding ceremonies, and returned right to work. As the activity coordinator in addition to the number of different classes I had to teach, I really don’t feel like I get any time to breath. There is my afternoon nap lasting around an hour and a half if I am lucky, followed by a 3 to 4hr sleep at night.

Not that I am complaining. I actually enjoy being busy. I enjoy the number of people who come running to me for several different things all day long. And that moment when the coordinator did that embarrassing thing by having the school applaud for my hard work in successfully organizing the spelling bee competition. I like being appreciated, I hate the attention. Though I still made them add “you’re super awesome” on my certificate of appreciation.

Being called the coolest teacher ever by students keeps me giving as much as I can to my job I guess. When I dress like a high schooler (from my time in high school), I guess it helps. I even organized a haunted house with my friend and our students for the Fun Fest, and needless to say, became the most anticipated and successful event at the school that day. Some kids made it through successfully. Others made it through crying. While the remaining ran out the front itself after a minute inside. But they still paid and came back for more. My throat literally was dead for the rest of the day and night after laughing like a witch and screeching out, “you’re all going to die in here!”

Tiring. But fulfilling. Such is life. Sometimes you end up finding meaning in something you never considered looking in the direction of. Just a month and a half more until summer vacations and I wonder how empty and lifeless I will go back to becoming then. But I guess when you make up your mind to lead a life with an attitude of gratefulness, you can ultimately achieve what you really need out of life – fulfilliment and happiness. I get it by filling holes in the development of my students, and when I come home to my cat who is waiting to meow and purr cuddling with me.