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20 Sep

Who was he,

but a figment of a past once spent

Imagining a future happiness

That never once came to be.


I Know Not Much About Love

14 Feb

I don’t know much about what true love is supposed to feel like. But I know of moments waking up next to you and seeing your smile. I know of the way you could make me laugh, and I know of the moments when my misery never felt as bad. I know of how comfortable silence felt with you, and I know of days there were not enough hours in to finish our stories. I know of sharing dinner in bed with you, watching pirated DVDs, and I know of how wonderful it felt falling asleep with your lips on mine. I really don’t know much about feeling empty without another, but I know of you making me the happiest I have ever been, and that felt a lot better than whatever the fuck true love was supposed to make us feel anyway.

His-&-Her Eight Word Story

10 Dec


In temptation
He lost
All of
His soul


In lust
She burned
Her ability
To love

Fine Line Between Love and Appreciate

4 May

“Guys like girls they can control. That’s not you. Which is a good thing. For me.” – J

That is what J, my now ex, said. We were talking about it is time to move on, and how I just do not see myself back in the dating world, for reasons I explained in my previous post.

I find it baffling how quickly men change after you leave them. They are suddenly filled with a whole lot of appreciation of who you are – at least, in my case, it has been unquestionably true.

Where he disapproved of how I never listened to him and did what I wanted to, he now appreciates my headstrong opinions and says he respects my courage to fight in whatever way I can for what I believe is right. I’m one of the bravest people he says he has ever met. He has gained respect for me – he has actually finally understood who I am.

I wonder, where was this man all the while we dated? Why was I made to feel like the culprit in this relationship all this time? Why could he not appreciate me while I was still in his life as a lover? Why did I have to walk out for some sense to be knocked into him? Why was I ever taken for granted to such a degree? Is it really true, that you do not realize a good thing till it’s gone? Maybe that just means the good thing should remain gone, so you learn to appreciate the replacement.

In this light, it becomes clearer to me how all my guy friends view me – I have received nothing but respect from them. They all have had several debates with me about different issues, and they have always valued my opinions and insisted on hearing them. In return, I listened to their views and understood their interpretations and learned from them. They challenged me to bring out my fire, not to undermine me. And that, I have only received from guys strictly in friend zone – and from few who showed that respect to try to date me; or get in my pants, whichever way it works.

However, this appreciation lacked in all my relationships. It made me evaluate how these relationships were different than friendships – and I came to a conclusion: I probably let them “feel like a man” when I decided to be nice under socially acceptable norms for a woman. You know, when you do little favors for them, that boost their ego to the sky. I let them state their views before I stated mine, and when I started to state mine first, I came off as a relentless bitch.

Or, maybe, it is not even me. As J said several times since we broke up, he had never met a all-in-one girl like me, and now I have left him in great difficulty trying to find someone as remotely comparable to who I am. In his head, I was the trophy. He felt a sense of accomplishment calling me his own – his mother couldn’t keep her eyes off me, his friends were like ‘wow’, strangers passing us by would stop to compliment me, and go on to tell him his girl is very pretty. [Very confidence-boosting especially when I left the house every other day cursing the mirror because I did not like what it showed me.] He became deluded and treated me like an object. My voice became unacceptable – and, it all came crashing down to realizing I was a human being when I was not “his” anymore. I was not a puppet anymore.

Does this mean I will go back to him? Likely, no. I do not want to have to leave or threaten to leave to be appreciated. It won’t change the fact I had once felt miserably treated, and statistics can prove I will go through the same upon returning. After all, isn’t insanity defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?

Yeah, no, thank you. I am not trading respect and appreciation for puppetry love. Never again. I pray to God that when He does send another man in my life, let him fall in love with my mind first, before he falls in love with what is visible to the eye. But please do let him fall in love with what meets the eye, too. It helps my shaky confidence unconditionally. Amen.

Mistakes I Made In Love

18 Apr

We all make mistakes throughout life, and we all learn from them and try to do things differently the next time. Lately, with my long-distance relationship with J on rocks, I was forced to look back and evaluate what had happened that we are here now. And, where one side of me wants to accept all the blame and the other side doesn’t want to accept any of it to be my fault, I managed to reach a midpoint where I realized what my mistakes were – mistakes I had made from the moment I decided to be in a relationship at all.

1. He is a good guy; he will make a good boyfriend.

For growing up in the city, it was impressive J never tried any kinds of drugs, never smoked, drank only on extremely rare situations, stayed home with family at nights instead of gang-banging  and he sincerely liked me. He never fooled around with anyone, respected the sanctity of relationships. So overall, he seemed like a nice and different-than-what-I-was-used-to package to have. So, I loved him for that. Those kinds of genetic traits would be great to live with. Other things were ignored – such as the next point.

2. I forgot that good, decent boyfriends should evolve into good, providing husbands.

From time to time, J mentioned about what he would rather be doing with his life. His fear of failure, however, kept him from trying. Deciding what it means to be a caring girlfriend, all I did was try to convince him it is already time to start working on his ambitions. I dug up information about his dream career and present it to him – of how that will benefit him, and benefit the family he hopes to someday have. And I would say it every time he was sick of his current job and said he wants to do something else. Simply TRYING to reach this milestone was something I hoped he would have done before I was to go back, before I was to introduce him to my family, before we were to get married. Show me that he understands it is important to me that he feels fulfilled with his life. Worst case scenario, it could have been a few years of trying before he would have gotten there.

3. I tried to help him.

He had begun to complain about his feelings of incompetency – when I took him to social circles where everyone has at least a Bachelor’s degree, and are applying or already enrolled in Masters and PhD programs. He felt attacked every time someone challenged him, and made him feel they are better than him – when they clearly did not even suggest that. So, through my tough love techniques, I suggested these feelings can disappear if he gets off his ass and does something about it. That is where I became a bitch.

4. I concluded from endless accusations that I am really a selfish bitch, so I apologized, and backed off.

I was not exactly called a bitch per se; it was just implied how I am the villain. I was made to see myself in a different light, where I am selfish and I have changed from what I used to be and how I am obsessively controlling and dominating [I like how it’s perfectly acceptable to be a dominatrix, but a woman dare not have a dominating personality], and how I am driving him to want to die by speaking about my feelings. So I backed off.

Because wanting somebody you thought you would spend the rest of your life with to feel fulfilled in life is so selfish.

5. I realized too late I had no support for my aspirations.

I talked a lot about what I wanted to do – and I tried a lot to get where I want to be. Be it as mean and selfish as it could, I knew I was not going to let an unambitious person in my life stop me from fulfilling my own life’s purpose. I looked into schools all over, I took the GMAT with almost zero time on my hands to study for them, I applied any way, and I kept applying for jobs I wanted a career out of in the meantime too – even those that would cause us to drift apart.

And he blamed me, and resented me for doing this. It was like, he rather I stay the way I am and we will build a life out of where we were. I was never encouraged. I was made to feel guilty because I wanted time alone to study, because I did not hesitate in stating that I will move if education and career opportunities arise in a different corner of the world.

So, I added he is more than welcome to come with me. He said I don’t care what he wants. “What do you want?” and he replied, “to stay here where I am!”

6. Somewhere along the line, of the constant fighting and guilt-tripping each other, I realized I lost respect for him. And yet, I stayed.

So well, I am now the bitch. When we are going to fall through, he will go around telling his friends and family and future girlfriends how I never let him breathe, how I suffocated him by throwing his dreams at him. I would be the selfish ex who cares only about what I want to do with my life, and for wanting things out of his life.

And, because of his several declarations stating how much he needs me, I do not know how to tell it to him that a break would be best for us. I don’t know how to explain to him that while I do still probably love him, I forgot how to miss him. I do not have the feeling of being in love anymore. I do not live feeling an empty feeling, I do not go to bed smiling about him, and I do not wake up thinking of him. I actually believe there is no cure for his procrastination in his life. I actually believed for a while there I am obsessively controlling, until I was jolted into the reality that I never pushed anything on him. Merely suggested.

7. I evaluated us in a serious-relationship context way too late.

One of the worst things we women do is tell our girlfriends to take it easy, to go with the flow when we start a new relationship. What we are really supposed to do is know that relationships are supposed to get serious at some point – and if they are not getting there, then there is a problem.

Speaking generally, we all want a faithful and successful husband; a man successful enough to be happy with his life, and to be able to provide for the family. But when it comes to a boyfriend, financial stability doesn’t matter. How the chemistry feels is the main concern. And, of course, we plan on not caring, and not thinking too much of where we are and where we are going.

This is THE stupidest idea. Because, sooner or later, one of us is going to fall in love with the other, and soon plans to be together forever are going to have to be made. And then, little things are going to start mattering.

I mean, I knew what I always wanted in a man. I figured I will evaluate J in that manner when the time comes. I figured that when he will be in love with me, he will slowly start to see me in a manner where he would just magically want to TRY to give me the stars and the moon, like he always said he wanted to – because I deserved it.

How effin’ romantic!

But, that never came to happen. All I got was a “Back off! Then I will be happier. The happier I am, the less I will cheat, too.” That is what it came down to. It came down to, in his own words, calming down my personality to suit his needs. Ouch.

Settling In A Relationship?

2 Mar

I read the quote today about how so many things in life are mediocre, and how love should not be one of them. It was beautiful, and put me in one of those self-reflecting moments, wondering how I have approached my love life.

Of course, like every other person, I had a checklist, which I have mentioned on and off in my previous posts. And on some level, it did obviously become superficially perfect too, like I myself am flawless. Tall, dark and handsome kind of superficial which made all other shortcomings invisible.

I am not supermodel skinny and beautiful, I am not head of UN, I don’t own a large condo, I do not have a BMW. Of course, all those things are something that would be cool, but not something that should be a falling in love criteria.

If there is one thing new people in my life know about me, I am shy, quiet, I speak when addressed, and avoid saying anything so as to not offend anyone. Simply put, I am nice and accepting. So, where making good, close friends was a task and never came naturally, finding myself in a romantic relationship would be even more impossible. Add to that, a checklist.

But I met J. And there was no dull moment. We were attracted to each other. Like most, we have our unconcealable flaws we are too ashamed to admit. As conscious as I am/was about my body, my acne outbursts, my small apartment, my shopped-on-a-budget wardrobe, I was just surprised he didn’t care. And vice versa with him. Where I lacked, he made up. The fact that we start smiling like fools texting thirty seconds before we are about to meet up, finding each other physically desirable, I know we passed the first test of whether we are settling or not. It made me realize my Mr. Right checklist was not looking for a Neal Caffrey, who fits into a do-and-leave category.

There was something I heard that said that if there is anything you want to change about a romantic partner, you should start looking for another. And then I heard how one should try to get the best out in their partner, make them who they could be, who they wanted to be. All of us have several dreams. As for me, on one hand, I dream of becomimg a well-known and powerful philanthropist or business tycoon. On the other, I see helping make changes on a smaller scale, living a decent life and spending quality times with friends and family. Plain and happy. I will take what I get, because both will make me happy, because both have a good and a bad side. And what J has shown me is his support for both of my dreams. He jokes about how he will be the house-hubby while I can make all the money if I follow my first dream, and perfectly acceptable of an easy life of raising children with me if I follow my second dream. We both shared our dreams, and we encourage each other to reach them, we know the other’s potential and we push each other towards it. So there – we have passed the second test as well.

I also analyzed our overall chemistry, and it’s surprisingly great. We joke too much, wrestle too much, fight minimal, talk about where we think the other is being unreasonable – we do not sugar coat our thoughts – we say it like it is. Brutal honesty is always awesome. We can do several things with each other, or even nothing at all, and we still enjoy every single moment together. I never thought I would come to a point where I will stop to be embarrassed about me, my life, and my family. I discuss everything with ease; I do not have to pretend to be anything I am not.

Am I looking at it through rose-coloured glasses? Well, yes, like a normal couple, we do argue. We give a few minutes of silent treatment, followed by a rush of critical comments, and then make up. It does not last over ten minutes. Even the most serious of issues end with a joke. His family really likes me, too. The only thing is my conversative family who have yet to know about him (Ouch hashtag).

So, there it really is. We create a whole checklist of our ideal partner, we forget how many of those items are actually a need and how many are empty and superficial, because of what friends tell us we deserve – handsome, smart, rich, reliable to sum it up.

I mean, do we ever sit back and wonder why exactly we think we deserve that? The mainstream view of classy women where we need to have standards? Of course we do. Our standards should be a reliable human being with the capacity and desire to be a loyal husband and a great father. And at the same time, look at our capacity to be just that for a man. We cannot expect to have our men be cool with us having a girls night out when we constantly feel threatened when they have a boys night out. It’s not fair.

And after it all, the only thing that matters is the chemistry you will have with your partner. Admiring the heck out of each other should be exciting and make you blush, being away should make you miss each other, looking at each other with eyes full of love should be frequent, not letting each other make a fool out of yourselves alone – be a team and do it together, and of course, not lose sight of reality without letting it pop your only happy bubble. Live up the crazy stupid love you got – it only happens these many times.

Telling-Apart Trauma

21 Oct

That awkward moment when your mind cannot separate what it feels like being in a real relationship from whatever feelings associated with being in a casual passing thing.

That’s what years of training yourself to not feel does to you. You have trouble trying to feel again where you should feel.

Should force be used here? If one can force herself to become heartless, can she also force herself to love?

Or is the mind not letting you feel because something keeps telling you it isn’t IT?

Or you’re so used to douchebags that you would only want to try hard to keep one as long as possible? That you like trying to be someone instead of being wanted for just who you are?

And would your relationship become something like when you let him go, he evolves into something you want and need to keep? Like in the movies?

So I guess it’s safe to say, besides trying to understand my developed complicated possibilities, that it’s several years of nothings that has impaired my ability to dissolve into somethings.

One advice to women: for the sake of your sanity, avoid the whole ever-so-popular-because-of-convenience cuddle buddy/casual hookup phenomenon. You will only end up wanting more an more of what you’ve been so used to, after enjoying – for a brief period – being treated like a person who matters.

Single Or Forever Alone?

31 Aug


Found it on twitter, burst out laughing. Since I went from in a relationship to single like over 3 years ago, I have varied between kinda talking, being led on, confused, with benefits, blah blah blahhh, all the while being bitter at the thought of it all actually simplified down to forever alone.

I would definitely add “a rebound” to the list. That was the stage even before my first relationship o.O That’s because from what I know, the girl who comes after me in any guy’s life, always becomes “the one” for him. Or at least something legit for a while.

Current status: only crosses mind when I see memes like this.

Favourite Pickup Line

19 Aug

So in my low self-esteem moments, my friend comes up with the cutest pickup line I couldn’t help but feel a little better:

“Even your smile is like a social service. The more you smile, the better the world gets.”

What can I say? I love my friends.


The Right Time vs The Right Person

11 Jun

“The older you get, the harder it is to find someone you can truly love. Cuz you have grown into who you were going to be, and then there is no room to give yourself a chance to grow with someone.”

Or along those lines is what my friend told me last night. And yes, it came from a guy. Not a girl. And he really got me thinking when he asked, “if you’re promised you will find the one you are looking for if you go on a thousand dates, would you do it?”

That is because I initially refused to want to date several people; I wanted to date one. But according to him, sitting on my arse waiting for love to come knocking on my door isn’t anywhere near realistic.

I know. I have a friend who is out there, dating and dating, searching and searching. She is definitely closer to finding her perfect someone. Even though every guy is the one, she is on the right – maybe a little bumpy – road to a happy future.

I, on the other hand, I have avoided relationships. Sometimes, very aware. Sometimes, purely subconsciously. And the conversation brought light to it. Through university, I knew I wasn’t going to stay in the city, or in the state for that matter. I knew I was leaving, I refused to try to emotionally connect with someone for that reason.

And since I have been out here, I have kind of done the same thing. I have let myself avoid guys who wanted something real, even when I said I wanted something real. I always continuously felt there is something more, another milestone I need to reach, before I can start looking. It used to be really easy to keep my heart on lock, until I realized I had started to let my walls down way too fast, way too soon. Probably at the worst time, or at a place I knew very well would be labelled Fail.

What this friend said and implied was, if he meets the girl who is everything he had been searching for in ‘the one’, time and place won’t stand in the way. It’s the person he would want beside him when he is on his death bed looking back at his life, not the career he built or the status he earned.

Realistic, with a tint of hopeless romantic.

I know what he means. I can’t say I don’t want that. And I also can’t deny I find myself nervous about wanting to take that step. Since everytime I prepared myself, it was only a matter of time I got crushed, or made a total fool of myself and then got crushed.

There is a song by Pakistani singer, Bilal Khan, where he talks about him being the only one who can fight his loneliness, if he would get up and go get the one, instead of waiting, wondering. Just fyi, his lyrics are beautiful. Some of it I don’t understand, but what I do get, I find there to be a lot of emotion in every word he sings.

Anyhoos. Basically, this is a discussion with myself. I know when I am able to open up to someone, and I know when I will never be able to tell them anything. And I know when I am not able to, that person has no important placement in my life, and I can’t even give myself a second try to open up to them.

And what else? I want to be understood. I want to be admired for who I am, and I want to be accepted for things about me I can’t change without turning back time.

Considering I have accepted every person in my life the way they are and never attempted to change them, all I know is when I am able to get that back from someone and be loved, that would be the one I would go ahead take the leap with. Whether we fly, or we fall to the ground.

I do believe when the person is right, there isn’t a thing like the right time. Every fight you put up for them is justified. Now, all that remains is, when the time comes, when a person accepts me the way I am, would I really be able to believe him… or would I run away telling myself it’s just bad timing??

I will end with what he ended our conversation with:

The hardest thing to do is usually the right thing to do.