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Realize.

17 Jun

There is only one way to survive in this world, and that is to not show your good, because your good makes you weak. That is the knowledge that you will succeed being a youngling only when you become – or portray yourself as – a cutthroat bitch.

When you have the face of a young teenage girl, when you give excessive amounts of free warm-smiles, when you are welcoming and accepting of people, when it is because you look 16 that men are programmed to not take you seriously as an adult … that is when you realize you are giving the world what it wants, you are letting them eat you alive. You gotta be rough around the edges so you are painful to swallow. Get them with the element of surprise. Do not go trying to fix everything and everyone who happens to cross your path – you do not have the obligation to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders when it will not do the same for you. What you do is burn it to the ground. Be firm, be fair. Possess the spirit of vengeance, be unforgiving.

Remember, moderation in its best form – do not be so sweet they swallow you in, do not be so sour they spit you out. That is how you win the battle of yourself against the world, when you constantly get told your face is too young-looking, and these entry-level professions would be best. That is how you destroy their superficial minds – be the bitch* they did not expect you could be.

*hate using the word bitch, but apparently society uses only that to define a strong, determined woman who does what men do to be called men.

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The Wisdom of A Struggling Man

30 Mar

I recently hired back one of my favourite drivers from childhood. From driving me to middle school, he now drives me to work. I think one of my most favourite things about him was how chatty he was. He never stopped talking, and was always amusing. Apart from being one of the rare few who could be trusted.

Before you judge me, I live in Saudi Arabia. We women still do not have authorization to drive, hence, we hire drivers. Also, because I’m too scared to drive.

This morning, he talked about the Middle Eastern life, which he learned from the 25 years he lived here, moving from Bangladesh for work so he could support his wife and children back home. He had sponsor issues and suddenly had to leave, and took him quite a few years before he could come back with a new sponsor.

Anyway, through it all, he emphasized how working in the Middle East is a bad decision overall. The only good thing is the money he sends back home converts to a fairly large amount to afford a few luxuries as well. As for his experience, the treatment he received he described with the simple analogy of a tissue paper: Thrown away after the purpose is served, used and abused.

True, he came here to be a driver. While some paid him good, others abused his need and either paid less, or mistreated him. He did not go into detail, but I can imagine what he meant. Some employers cannot respect somebody in manual labour. They act like they aren’t human. It’s not just the Middle East. In the West, almost every profession is treated non-human by the employers to a certain degree. But here he was, aging and feeling disrespected. Such few people in the Middle East can actually be nicer to the unfortunate, and only those who know what struggle is themselves.

He went on to summarize people’s lives today, quoting what their motto seems to be: “Money is the second God of the world”. While our belief puts nothing in comparison to God Himself, he wasn’t wrong when he said people now treat it like it is. It’s sad. We chase so much, not exactly money, but thing only money can bring to us. We get so caught up in this life we never realize it’ll be gone at any moment, we do not dedicate any time to the riches of the eternal afterlife.

He acknowledged, too, that some people treat life like it is a picnic, determined to be crazy and wild because they want to feel fulfilled. And by that, we have ignored our very basic instinct. To be better human beings.

In his very struggling innocent observation,there is no denying he is right. His real happiness is with his family where comfort as needed can exist. The simple life. And getting to work for people who are kind-hearted and generous. And human.

And as easy as it is to say that, for us used to such luxuries, it is hard to be done. We are grown up in a different environment, we are raised with different happiness scheme where high education is the start of the whole process, followed by career to build till we settle down, and then marriage. Oh, my driver had something more to say about settling – that building a life can take forever. There is no such thing as satisfied because of the evolutionary human instinct of greed.

I admire his opinions. I was lucky enough to be raised in a family who put great amount of emphasis on charity and treating the less fortunate with kindness and equality. And that extends to all animals, too. If I have a heart and the capacity to understand people from all walks of life, it is thanks to my parents who never overworked any servants and maintained a friendly, respectful relationship with all, sharing jokes and personal stories. It is thanks to them that I understand the value in the words of someone who would normally be considered insignificant in this ruthless world because of his social class.

Numzie’s Kitchen: Pasta Numzato

6 Feb

So I had quite a productive day. I mailed out my passport, I did a lot of grocery shopping and it cost me only $10. I can’t thank Aldi enough for existing. I cleaned some of my apartment and did two loads of laundry. And then I wanted to cook, and I just made the best pasta I have tasted in recent times.

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This is the final product. I wanted to do something a little different than just boiling pasta and adding frozen vegetables and hot sauce. I went on to make a tomato sauce – I am not quite sure where the recipe came to mind but I did it.

I chopped up a quarter of sweet red pepper, baby carrots, and grape tomatoes. I took another handful of tomatoes I had, put them in some vegetable oil, added salt and pepper and put them on the stove to cook. Stirring occassionally, I added spoonful of water every time it felt like it’s getting dry, and kept stirring.

Then in another pot, I made the pasta like I was supposed to. When the water was allmost all gone and the pasta looked good to go, I added hot sauce, and then the tomato sauce I made, and stirred till the nice orange-red colour was prominent. And when I tasted it, I was the happiest girl in the world. It was delicious. It tasted like Italian food made under Middle East cuisine.

My boyfriend wants to try it tomorrow, but I am pretty sure he’s going to complain about the vegetables and only half appreciating it – and having potato chips right after. Nevertheless, adding corn to the sauce is going to be my only modification, in addition to figuring out how to makebm two servings instead of one. So far, I don’t think this can be cooled and heated, so I recommend [look at me with my free expert chef advice] just cooking it fresh. It won’t take more than 20 minutes.

Middle Child? You’re Screwed.

25 Nov

Hello, blog world. Hello, my safe haven to let out everything that is on my mind – well, almost everything. There are some things that are safer not said out loud. I took my sweet time to figure out my options, and did some self-research and what the ever it is.

So my conclusion was I will go back home. Yeah, I am not doing much here. Career wise. Barely surviving. But, at least, learning to come out of my shell and stay out of it. Which I don’t think I will ever fully accomplish. Sometimes, I just do not want to converse, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. But, my confidence building process shall remain incomplete as I move back home where I can lock myself in my room to be in solitude.

Until, well, I move on to my job hunt in the Emirates. Worst part is the interview process. I stand by my belief that this whole process is uber waste of time. Where I have not interviewed for jobs and secured the position, I have actually done much better. But, you have to continuously seem interested in the interviewer when they are clearly not interesting. All I really want to know is what my responsibilities are, and all I really need to do is prove to you I can do it. Which, looking at several job descriptions, I know I can totally handle. The only problem is always going to be the nerve-wrecking feeling of being in the hot seat, being evaluated, being judged. I’m sorry I had too many traumatic experiences in my childhood in the area of evaluation and being in the interview room destroys me down to pieces.

Oh well, has to happen. I don’t know how many weeks and months of therapy is actually needed to heal a traumatized personality. Sabrina has helped me put up a strong face for the world. But when I stopped feeling like I needed her, I began to lose her. I began to lose the only person strong enough to possess me and give me the boost I always needed.

Either way, it’s happening. Come March, I say goodbye to every piece of me I built here. My college friends who stood by me through my gruesome experiences. Even though I am in a different city, there was always the convenience of taking a weekend off to go see each other. It was only a let’s plan it away. Now, that is never going to happen again.

And, the fact that it had barely been a week that I was able to say those cheesy three words back to my boyfriend. Barely been a week that I felt like I was ready to take the step away from fun and games to let’s see what we can become. And it was decided that I have to leave. That’s how cursed I am in terms of relationships. The ever-so-emotional conversations happened, and now we are just living it on to our inevitable end. I had no choice but to choose. The shitty part where I had to choose between him and not being disowned by my family. He understood, tried to smile, and I will never forget his words: “you’re the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me.”

Well, best relationships are short and sweet rather than long and miserable. Who knows how hard it would eventually become to tolerate each other in the long run, eh?

What is the core of all my internal battles and relationship issues and indecisiveness? I’m the middle child. After a careful comparison to several other middle children, I feel credible enough to state that 90% of all psychological disorders occur among the middle children. We lack the positive attention from parents, we internalize our emotions, we either like being alone and detach ourselves from all human beings, or when we choose to build relationships, we do so outside of family and we hold these relationships very dear to us. It’s only psychology. More prone to depression, more prone to becoming silent from years of not being taken seriously or just simply being ignored, more prone to destructive outbursts when there is no more room to contain anything inside anymore, just simply more prone to feeling and believing we are misunderstood.

Only a middle child would understand what I am actually talking about. I speak after researching works of several psychologists who have written about middle child syndrome. The condition actually has a name. That makes it a serious condition, eh?

Low self-esteem? Check. More the most part.

Shyness? Uh, we can definitely check that too.

Problem Child? Ha. No doubt about that too.

Every time there is any child in a family causing chaos, it is the middle child. I guess the death of a middle child is probably much easier to get over, too. Especially when added to the syndrome is a bigger challenge of being the less gifted of the older and younger sibling. There is no recovering from that.

Sometimes, it’s a guilty feeling I can’t get out of me when I think the daily text I get from my parents asking if I am home is something they do out of responsibility. Something they have to do to show me they care I exist because they did bring me into this world. And, it sucks because it is not their fault either now, when for more than half my already lived life, I remained the last child to cross their minds. What was approved or taken lightly for my other siblings was never so done for me. Now, it’s come to the point where communicating with my blood is hard. Pointless for the most part. They all could care less, and I should just not either.

What am I supposed to be drawn towards when there is only one person holding my hand and telling me they support whatever decision I make, even if it negatively affects them? And I am going ahead with a decision against them and they still accept me? Mind games.

The healthiest families are the ones with two children – the oldest and the youngest. Both are equally loved and praised and held accountable for. If I am ever again lucky enough to receive the love that leads to marriage, I am NOT having more than two kids, and I am not having just one. I’d be damned if I start the vicious cycle of psychologically putting my child through the misery I have lived through, and am continuing to till I am put to rest.

Come March, it’s an all-in situation. My dad tried to tell me whatever will happen will only be good thereon. And it’s the biggest gamble with my life – either they will win and my life becomes an open road of endless opportunities, or what we all feared happening – a dead end. Either way, this seems to be some way of proving to me I actually matter. If a better future that they are so strongly guaranteeing me does not actually happen, well… I will age holding on to memories, accepting no blame on myself or my choices.

A parent’s love is greater than any other person’s love, eh? I am leaving it all for them anyways, trusting they know what they are doing. So they best give it to me so I feel it enough to not crave any outside sources of affection. And they best be right about my future, or it would be a serious struggle to not blame them for messing up my Plan B.

Too Afraid?

24 Nov

It is no breaking news I am a bottle full of anger, hidden from most pretty well. Most of it comes from existing chauvinism and ignorance. And cowardice. I dream in my sleep of guns and fights, I daydream about punching some people to death. But based on my physical strength, that is just not going to happen. You could say disturbed, but my blood boils on several issues.

Right in this moment, if I could be a leader, I would lead my country to back up Palestine. The last week full of Israel-Gaza headlines has pretty much made me mad. And I do not understand why and how the world continues to remain blind to what is really going on. And they are all accepting of a clear massacre and taking over land. And worse, have been granted immunity. They can kill and control how much food comes in, and they get away with it. I say it’s a shame Iran is the only one trying and suggesting help. They are the only ones fearless right now. Everybody else in the Middle East, go jump off a cliff.

That is why the world should be lead by younger people. You might say they will mess up the economy, but trust me, they won’t have ulterior hidden motives and they won’t be as thirsty for riches that they approve of murder. Young people live by “live and let live” and if that was the motto of every leader right now, the world and the economy would be so simple.

Like why don’t the old leaders get one simple thing? At most, you have 15 to 20 more years on you, and you are not getting any sexier. You might as well earn the majority’s love and respect before you lie down in your grave and see what you really did.

If there is anything I know, the first place to start would be to unite. You united during the uprise, you unite now, as a whole country, to stand up for the innocents in Palestine. They had over 90% of their land stolen from them in a very very short time, and Israel has all the support it could ask for. Yeah, I am speaking in favour of another Gulf War. Let’s see what they can do when a bunch of countries attack Israel. Be destroyed in two days for sure.

Yeah, that is another story for America and Britain are going to do, but have you Arabs forgotten Who you are supposed to fear more than death? Have you!??

Something Or The Other

16 Oct

We are all a bunch of some sort of psychological disorders, aren’t we? Blame it all on external sources, why don’t we?

Paranoia. Hysteria. Anger issues. Schizophrenia. Bipolarity. Sleepwalking. Psychosis. MPD.

We all have something. Probably a term I didn’t bother mentioning here.

Has It Truly Been Worth It?

27 Aug

After a long day of chores and errands, I finally had time to explore and inquire about PhD programs in New Zealand and well, New York too. All of it made me reflect back to the fact that I have been out of school for about eight months now, and have been working for about six months. In this whole time, going on several different job interviews, working the job I am now, I found me questioning myself: “how useful was college?

Presidential Scholarship. Cum Laude. Several student loans. So much time and dedication and impressing professors and sleepless nights. Putting in all my waking hours towards my internship, perfecting my report. What for? To be offered mere B2B sales jobs, must I add – all commission based? To be called in for a small-time restaurant manager job, and immediately presented a front-line position instead? Which, I ended up not getting? And finally landing a minimum wage+commission retail sales job, which one could do without the need of any degree or even a high school diploma.

I don’t quite know if this is mere luck or a combination of a lot of facts.

  • Economy just blows. Jobs are truly scarce.
  • I am a woman.
  • I am a coloured individual.
  • I represent multi-racial minority. 
  • I belong to the most ill-reputed religious group today.
  • I physically don’t look the part I am applying for – I am short, I have what people call a baby face, my voice seems too tiny when I am only soft-spoken out of respect for the person I am addressing.
  • I was really not qualified for the position?
  • I did not have “inside” contacts.
  • They can’t say my name. Hence, my resume gets tossed in trash.
  • 23 might be too young for the job? Is that even possible?

What was all the effort I put towards my degree for, I wonder sometimes. Why are salesmen now called manager trainees, when they are mostly only learning to sell while being kicked out or having doors slammed on their faces? Why do they only make money when they sell, and not for the time and effort they are genuinely putting in to their job? Why was it that I had no choice but to settle in order to make it for a while?

A bachelors’ degree was not going to be the end of it for me, I knew that. I knew I wanted to take my education as far as is possible for me. I knew that for my Masters, I would need a year of relevant work experience. I didn’t think it would be that hard at all. With previous experience in sales and management, and an education to back it all up, I should have easily started off as a manager trainee in retail or office or of a sales force. A proper trainee, you know. Where I am inducted to the company and the policies and procedures, where I am taken through different scenarios and perfected on the skills to handle those situations. So I ask, where is my relevant work experience? Why are they not giving it to me? Why get rejected over someone who is less qualified for a particular position?

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy my current job. It’s easy, it keeps me busy, it pays me enough to support myself. But it is not something I want to do for the rest of my life, and it is definitely not something I went to school for. How far will this job take me? They say everyone gets promoted, once we hit the sales mark, once we understand the ins and outs of the company and its policies and procedures, once there are open opportunities. But that is obviously going to take a lot of time.

I still do keep getting interview calls from other places, but they are all similar to what I am doing now, with a little better pay though. But what I am is seeking the title, the prestige, not so much the money. What I want is challenge, responsibility, control. I like the people I work with, but I can’t let myself worry about what they might think if I decide to move on when and if a better opportunity comes along.

I have come across people who talk loud and obnoxious, without saying much. They know how to be heard, but they respect none. They are like the snobby jocks from teen movies everybody loves despite the darkness  inside them. They are given everything without having to work for it, much less considering the fact they are not really deserving of it. Are people like that really ethical towards their employers? Do they give the person above them any respect? Can they honestly handle a critical situation when it arises?

Of course, a strong personality is important. Confidence is vital. But so is originality and loyalty and commitment and determination. But where does education fall under all of this? All the research papers, all the case studies, all the presentations, all the theories proposed, what for? When all you need is personality and confidence, why do we spend over $50,000 on a Bachelors’ degree? Why not, instead, put it towards classes that help build you as a person of character and confidence? Really, though? Why college when a 4-week crash course by a company can teach you everything you ever needed to know about business?

But mind you… mind you, mind you, mind you. This is so far, only the scenario observed in the North American side of the world. The emphasis on education is, however, recognized in the Middle East and Asia. A degree is worth everything, and the interview is basically going over your resume and cover letter, and an opportunity to discuss anything not mentioned on it. But the higher your grade, the better your chances are for scoring that job, given your competition doesn’t have better references or skills. And take your American education back there, the job is practically all yours. Local degrees cannot be compared in value, even though it is a piece of cake compared to the advanced education in that part of the world. You’re really going to be getting all the paper you put in, all in less than a year sometimes!

I guess it is where and how I was raised that makes me want to go further with my education. And I know I am not stopping. I am going to go after it, and make it happen one way or the other. And if I want all my education to be worth something, anything at all, I should take it where it is no doubt going to be recognized and respected.

Maybe now I am beginning to understand why I have observed most Americans taking their sweet time with school, and being dedicated to working while in school instead of school itself – a trend very different from the Asian and Middle Eastern lifestyle, even in some European countries! It has always been finishing school before finding a job.

It’s always a rush in North America, to be the best in class, to be the best at work, to not breath, but instead, take a night out intoxicating yourself to “unwind”. I have come across but a few people who unwind with sleeping in, reading, bubble baths, detoxifying, and spending quality time with loved ones. The reward for all the mental exhaustion you went through at school is supposed to be a comfortable life after, making money and enjoying  fringe benefits you deserve for all your hard work – not being ripped off of comfort after college.

Thunders

20 Aug

You know my favourite thing about nature? It’s kind of a tie between clouds and the sea. Today, I am simply enjoying looking out on thunder clouds.

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Kind of stuck out here in Round Lake now, waiting for rain to clear out before I can head out, but it’s kind of beautiful sitting out watching the rain fall.

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I was trying to capture a picture of lightning but I guess that is not going to happen anytime soon. Not that I am a fan of thunder. I am a little scared… scared this could turn into a tornado which is like my worst fear considering I have had tornado nightmares on and off for a few years now. But well, it gives me a little bit of adrenaline rush so that’s worth it.

I feel like a photographer when I take nature pictures, I cannot help it. Plus, these pictures look highly professional when on my phone, so shhh.

:]

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The Silent Lover – Fail.

17 Aug

The Silent Lover - Fail.

1. This right here, after cat pics, is my entertainment on Facebook.

2. This is the reason why my friends on Facebook and Twitter followers do not know about the existence of this blog.

3. The comments basically summarize what I feel like screaming at people who frustrate me with their constant nagging about being in a relationship already.

4. Mean? Nah. Just helpful.

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It Was…

29 Jul

It was the only woman you ever loved
That got burnt by the sun too often when she was young
And the cancer spread and it ran into her body and her blood
And there’s nothing you can do about it now

Blood.