Tag Archives: betrayal

Nightmare

18 Aug

Memories of a darkness I once lived consume me

They originate in my head nightmares of fluctuating intensities

The fog of vacuum around their ears nullify my screaming

Tormented and turned into ruins, the core of the earth now emerges as my only sanctuary

An escape from the heavenly winter night beauty

That only knew how to lie and betray me.

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Nightmares

7 Jan

For the past couple of nights, I’ve been having dreams of being emotionally attacked. It’s better than the usual running-from-something-I-never-see dreams. But, both times the dreams woke me up with a sharp feeling of betrayal and resentment.

One dream revolved around being bullied and pranked out of pure dislike, where I could feel my anger make my bones scream “kill them all!!” Very much like Carrie. Except, in that moment, I stayed the only victim, completely helpless.

The other revolved around how I tried for a loved one to not lose focus, to not be talked into the wrong things, but I lost to the villian again. Or, I woke up before I lost. This dream was themed betrayal too; betrayal by mind-control, to be exact.

My dreams have barely ever been pleasant. The issue is they keep getting harder to win and I do not enjoy losing something I am supposed to have absolute control over.

We All Know Men Who Hate Women

25 Dec

The most interesting movie I’ve had the chance to watch this year is no doubt The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. The dark underlying theme of aggression towards women was much needed to be brought forward on big screen, especially today… Today when the world is redefining rape and trying to shun women to silence, as was done in the past.

I started off liking the male lead character, Mikhael. He seemed like a good husband and father, trying to solve the mystery of a missing girl, eager to crack the case of a serial rapist and murderer. However, he was still a douchebag – he still cheated on his wife, had sex with Lisbeth while working with her, and when they do find out who the killer is, he tries to defend him and why he could have done all the horrible things that he did.

“He had the same chances as us to choose what he wanted to be. He was no victim. He was a sadistic motherfucker who hated women.” – Lisbeth.

Of all the messages the movie conveyed, there was one that stuck out to me the most: that of trust. The trust Lisbeth found so hard to have in someone, especially the men in her life. And just when she thinks she could finally trust a male with her mind, her body, her heart, he still ends up betraying her, leaving her all alone.

The movie was a sharp reality-check. There was basically no nice man in the movie. Mikhael could have been – he could have loved the woman who put her life in danger to save his life, help finish what he started. But instead, he chose to hide his affair from his wife and continue being with her, not caring a bit about Lisbeth. Left her all alone.

As a woman who is often called a “man-hater”, the movie basically made my beliefs about the scarcity of good men even stronger. The rapists, the abusive spouses, the honor-killers, pedophiles, chauvinists, typical college douchebags – they are literally there every step I take. Everywhere I’d hear some male crack sexist jokes about how women belong in the kitchen, are horrible drivers, can’t be good leaders, calling them whores and justifying sexual assaults with “she was asking for it”.

They’d tell me to learn to take a joke. Well, I refuse to find anything funny about rape. I refuse to find anything funny about a girl who is working three jobs to support herself & her family being told she should be making sandwiches for the men in her life. I refuse to agree a girl is a whore just because she decides she could use a one-night stand to relieve whatever stress she could be having, all the while a boy is being praised as a womanizer for doing just that. To me, all these men are men who hate women.

You cannot be violent with a woman and say you did it because you care – you just left bruises all over someone like you would on someone you hate.

You cannot buy and sell women in trafficking and say you’re doing it cuz you need them – you are treating them far worse than you could treat an animal.

You cannot make sexist jokes and still say you love women – you just ridiculed them and their right to be who they choose to be.

You cannot sleep with them and forget them – you just disrespected them, refused to understand who they are, how they feel.

You cannot date them and cheat on them – you just played with their trust, you betrayed them.

None of that falls under love. It’s hate. Hate that could possibly stem from looking down on women, not thinking of them as human, or being jealous of how you’ll never be who they became, or simply envying how they fought and survived every hardship that came upon them better than you yourself could. Either way, it’s simply hate. And unfortunately for many women like me, there are not many places we can go without being attacked by men with such hate.

The most I can hope for and hopefully accomplish is to find that rare man I don’t experience this hate from, and when and if I do have a son, teach him to respect and love women for who they are, what they do… And especially to understand them before making judgemental statements about them. Basically, raise him to be a feminist.