Tag Archives: blabber

Imagine. Think. Write

5 Jul

They said I should get creative. The only creativity I have ever known was writing. I started with short stories and then poetry. I had this whole book of poems and songs I wrote back in middle and high school, and now I just do not know where they could be.

*note to self: find your shoebox from the eighth grade!*

But I guess I will give poetry a shot again. Make up scenarios or write from the past I have had. Since current is not interesting enough – day in and day out and the same faces and same routine. But that is poetic in a gloomy sense.

I also am realizing I like being wanted. I just cannot stand belonging. I, however, do not mind owning. I don’t know if it is slightly evil or just pure issues with attachment, but if I had more funds and time for a double major, psychology would have been it. But I stay informed through several publications so it helps me figure how my mind works.

But anyways, I will give poetry a shot. I can taste just how much I loved writing.

Activities! Yay!

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Longest Road To Nowhere

13 Nov

Scenario 1:

I start a life with my boyfriend and give up on my family. Who knows what will become but I halfway win. My name, my identity, will be burned along with everything of my past.

Scenario 2:

I return home, obviously with the greatest feeling of defeat I have ever felt, and end all ties with my boyfriend to make my family happy. What happens of me there? I drown in sorrow refusing to try anymore for anything. Or I do manage to get out to some place else and be thrown in someone else’s care while I work whatever job I am working.

Scenario 3:

I go home, and hope I get into school so I can come back here. Long shot but who knows we might have another shot to making it work? But yeah, that is not happening.

Either way, I am losing. Why is being here so important to me? Maybe I suffered here, but I also had the most emotional support here. I had the itsy bitsy pieces of the life I wanted here. My freedom, my free will, my own boss to the little decisions about what time I can come home at night.

I look at my tiny apartment and it is made up of the first few pieces of me being my own person. It is my first step, where I am trying to build myself up to proceed to the second step. This is where my post college life as I dreamed of began. This is where I was first appreciated, first learned I can be loved for who I am and want to be.

I know Scenario 2 and 3 will only increase my demotivation levels because of the feelings of defeat. I lost a dream I had of me in the city before it could turn all real. Before I build up the belief I had in myself. Yeah, I am just a child who all her life had to be second choice for everything that now, she grasps on to everything that makes her feel the first and only option.

Take it all away. I would fight, but there is only this much pain I can cause others and myself. I would be happier in a situation where if I don’t win myself, no one does. No one gets me, no one sees me. Let’s all lose and call it quits on each other. Aren’t we all just better off alone, anyway?

Something Or The Other

16 Oct

We are all a bunch of some sort of psychological disorders, aren’t we? Blame it all on external sources, why don’t we?

Paranoia. Hysteria. Anger issues. Schizophrenia. Bipolarity. Sleepwalking. Psychosis. MPD.

We all have something. Probably a term I didn’t bother mentioning here.

All The Suffering, For What?

4 Sep

I got sent home early from work today. Because I was too sick. Sick because of my period cramps. Happens every month, and every month I feel like death is upon me, or should be upon me because staying alive through this suffering is like hell on earth. Every single time, I find myself whine about how I am definitely going and getting my ovaries or uterus removed because I cannot live like this.

Trust me, the pain is horrible. I can’t stand up, I can’t sit down, I can’t even lie down in bed and feel comfortable. To top it all, I most of the time find myself throwing up, sweating and shivering at the same time. And go on for hours feeling that way. No amount of Midol seems to help. I overdose on those painkillers and nothing happens. I dread I have become immune to them. I hold hot water bottles against me but they turn cold before they even start to relieve me.

And, again, this time very seriously, I question myself. I question God. WHYYYYY!!!! If it wasn’t enough to have our hoohas explode to pop out babies who are going to be a moment’s joy and a lifetime of disappointment, we have to bleed all our lives and we have to hurt while bleeding.

Okay, so in return for all that we suffer now, we are promised no suffering in Heaven. Fair enough. But why suffer in the first place anyways?! To go to Heaven where we will have to share our husbands we love so much with 72 virgins who we are supposed to enjoy watching being violated by the man I am married to? Yeah, it requires women to be heartless, but they were not made that way, so just had to put insane amounts of heart towards being heartless to eventually avoid going insane themselves.

I mean, okay, so women are promised everlasting beauty in Heaven, but what is the use if it fails to keep a man’s mind and heart all to ourselves? Don’t men get the easy way out on earth and in heaven? They can have four wives here under certain circumstances, 72 virgins in heaven, it’s never a dull moment for them. It’s not even so hard for them anyways because they are born with no heart, and only think with their wing-wangs.

If it’s ultimate happiness in Heaven, I guess it could only mean that women there are going to have no heart, no feelings, no sense of what love is. They are going to be too absorbed in themselves to worry about anything else. Which would be considered narcissistic and selfish in this life. Basically, women in Heaven are going to have to be ignorant to be happy.

And then, women are called bitter. I guess we are bitter for a reason. There is no win for us, no matter what. If we hurt when all these questions pop in our minds, we are probably shunned away for feeling this way. We get told it’s the Devil that is making us think like that. So I wonder, why were we made sensitive and emotionally weaker than men if we had to do the suffering and not them? We should have just been machines, who without any sense of right and wrong obey whatever command is given to us without question. Which a lot of women do, but they do while still breaking into pieces on the inside. I would not question anything then.

Upon research, all scholars have to say is temptations are higher for men than for women in this life. If he acts upon even a teeny bit upon those urges, he loses the 72 virgins, along with other levels of punishments. But if a woman acts upon those urges, she is shamed throughout her life on Earth, and well had nothing like 72 virgins for herself to lose, so just goes on to eternal torment in the afterlife.

I mean, it doesn’t mean I am going to turn away from my religion. I know Islam grants women more rights than other religions grant women, but even though it says equality, there is still several levels of inequality. If we were naturally programmed to not notice the inequality, I could say the world would be a better place for us. If we were born with the innate fetish of sharing our men, of being sadomasochistic enough to enjoy deathly cramps and labor pains, I would call it equality then. If we were supposed to live being treated as objects – whether it is sex objects or objects of affection – we should just not have been given the curse of feelings. We should have been made immune to pain. We should have been made immune to heartbreaks. If sexual temptations were greater for men, then for acting upon them, suffering for them should have been greater. Losing their virginity should have been painful, they should have carried the unborn child so they learn responsibility, they should have not been promised four wives and seventy-two virgins.

What message is that supposed to send to us women? That we are so easily irreplaceable, we are not enough, and we should just whore ourselves out because that is all we are worth in the end?

Nervous and Excited

31 Aug

Did a little cat-friendly apartment search on Craigslist. Nothing interesting. Nothing close to work. I don’t know if I want to sign a lease either, considering I don’t know what my plans are for 2013. I get this one day off of work today, I should have studied. But so mentally exhausted, followed by physically exhausted from errands and cooking and cleaning when it was 93 degrees in my apartment, I had to nap. Then try to chillax.

Work is leaving me in charge of the store this weekend. I think it’s a big much-desired progress, and I am nervous, but excited at the same time. I got this showing a high level of commitment to my job, for the mere desire to come out on the top. Which I did. I am nervous because I really want to do a damn good job this weekend too, because this could mean climbing up that ladder. I just need to be braver with the alpha retards, and I would be all set.

The roommate who moved in last weekend is already moving out this weekend, and another girl is coming in. I haven’t met her yet, but I shall tomorrow, probably after work. Attempts to socialize? Well, this one wanted to. But her suggestions have always been “let’s go grab a beer!

Mehhh.

What should my excuses be? I am a paranoid calorie-counter? It could have worked, except she sees all my chocolates and candy, which I bring in every time I go out. And she sees how I am always drinking green tea or Cola, and barely ever drink water. BLAME IT ON THE INSANELY HOT WEATHER WHERE WATER DOES NOT QUENCH THIRST!!! 

Since I am no party pooper and do not want to perceived that way, but I just don’t want to explain the true reason to someone I just met and am pretty sure would not understand, what could my defenses be? I have a liver condition? A kidney condition? A brain condition?

I did try to be a little social. It’s just kind of gotten hard since I got out of college. I am only comfortable enough to be able to be myself with the people I work with, and it’s with them I do not mind going out with. Aside from when the dudes are starting to cross the line being touchy-feely. For that reason, I hesitate going out most of the time.

Well, I now need to find a masquerade mask for my friend’s party next weekend. I kind of have a great dress for the occasion. I just hope it arrives in time or I am so screwed. I rather just shop online. Much variety. Without knowing exactly how I will look in them. But that is the purpose of the mask, after all. Everyone I shall meet, I shall not be recognized by many. Works just perfectly for me. Let’s just hope I receive it in time.

And, maybe buy new shoes. I don’t know. I have enough. But I have a gift card just sitting in my wallet for the past so many months now, I might as well use it, eh? =)

Dreading

18 Aug

So I am going away for Eid. Dreading leaving my sanctuary. Dreading having company for 48 hours straight. Dreading having to converse. Dreading all the questions people will be throwing at me about my life out of curiosity. Dreading having to sit in those social gatherings smiling awkwardly at the adults because I have nothing of importance to say to them and their humour goes over my head.

Dreading having to be face to face with distant cousins who were too quick to speak shit about me.. grrr… dreading also the awkwardness of having blocked him off of Facebook. Dreading  the possibility I lose my temper and break his nose. From what they tell me, I had made him cry several times when we were kids. I wouldn’t mind being at it again.

Dreading actually not socializing with people of interest for that matter. Dreading the fact that it is Eid means everyone I could IM would be too busy with their festivities. The fun ones. The ones out of my reach. With the people I know and care about. Would it be disrespectful if I am playing Words With Friends in the middle of an Eid party?

Okay, self. Chillax. It’s once in a blue moon kind of thing and you should be able to handle that. Come Monday night, you will be comfortably tucked in your own bed in your own room which by the way, you seem to have done a good job cleaning. Just a few weeks ago, you didn’t even know how to hold a broom or a mop. Look at you now! Go ahead and rub that in the face of people who find it highly amusing watching you clean like an amateur. As for your kitchen skills, oh well, one thing at a time.

Every Time I Try To Be Strong…

9 Jul

… something happens and I come undone.

I have been frustrated. I don’t even know how much fun I will be when my friends come down. I am so shut down, I don’t know if I will be able to talk about what has been going on. I have all kinds of walls up, I don’t know if I will be able to let them down to show what I have been feeling. I am sick of being put on the hot seat, questioned, tested, analyzed, judged, and then having a picture of my future painted right in front of me.

And now they have made me angry. I haaate being angry. It’s probably the only feeling that makes me act on impulse in some dire need to prove something to someone, where I say and do things without thinking, which further makes me angry at myself for letting myself feel anger in the first place. I am sometimes scared of my own anger.

Of course, at every turn, there is going to be someone who has something negative to say about any and every step I decide to take. Everyone has some opinion and somehow just know what the perfect thing for me to do is. I should stop putting my faith where it should be, and instead go along with whatever suggestion whatever immoral source has for me.

Where my usual reaction is to just roll my eyes and keep doing what I am doing, when stuff finally gets to me, it crashes into me. I have a mini outburst as I start to realize I had been wrong when I refused to believe “20% of people don’t care about your problems and 80% are glad you have them”.

It kind of sucks when you just don’t want to trust anyone because of a few blows from places where you shouldn’t have put your trust in but did anyways. And then you go ahead calling yourself stupid before anyone else can do it for you, and let your life become a joke for your “friends” to laugh along at.

Because I refused to ask for help when I was in a fix a few days ago, and when they showed me how my life appears  to them, I snapped back at them that I can take care of me by myself – and I was in return reminded without any hesitation of how that decision is a wrong decision too.

And, that is where I started to shut down from the outside world, again. Since I can’t differentiate much between who really cares and who really doesn’t anymore. I shall let them talk, I shall let them look at me how they want to, I shall let them decide what they want to about who I am and let them paint all possible futures for me too. I don’t think they deserve any effort from my side to prove why I do what I do, and why I don’t do what they think I should do.

A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor, and while some have said the sea is no place for someone like me, well… I still know some people who will tell me to go all the way, as far as I can. So well, all storms welcome.

For now, I pursue change with saying goodbye to my roommate today, later dying my hair again, and then awaiting the arrival of a new roommate. Whenever that shall be.

Changes

1 Jul

Yeah, I got the changes I am trying to make in my life. Yet again.

Started off with a haircut, something so much shorter than what I had for such a long time, considering I cut my hair last year July. I feel refreshed, reborn. I guess it’s true that a haircut can make you feel like a new person. Helps you make newer, better pacts to yourself you can see through, until your hair grows longer and you give up on those pacts and screw up – and then end up back on square one again.

Yeah, let’s hope I don’t do that this time.

Then I also finally cooked my first real meal last night – fried salmon with boiled veggies. It was seriously yummy. I surprised myself. I got the seasoning and flavoring whatever it is right to perfection. Proud of myself considering it’s my first attempt in trying to make something other than Ramen noodles and frying eggs.

But, I impatiently wait for tomorrow – Euro cup finale!!! Always a Barca fan, I am bound to be on Spain’s side. I used to love Italy till they disappointed me in Fifa 2010, and it’s a no-no since then. I really hope Spain gets this!!

VIVA ESPANAAAAA!!!!!

Itsy Bitsy Pieces

13 Jun

I don’t believe in horoscopes, I just read them every morning, forward them to my best friend so we can “yeah right” and laugh it off.

But for the past few days, I have been finding myself able to relate, like it’s a direct message to me.

Today:

“Something in your life keeps repeating. Some sign keeps appearing to you. Some message seems to be repeatedly whispered in your ear. What is it that you are supposed to learn? You have been ignoring the wisdom the universe is trying to impart to you – probably because it requires some kind of change that you think will be awkward or upsetting. But once you spread your wings and make that change, you will experience a sense of freedom and renewal, and it will all begin to make sense. Be open to a big change.”

Yeah, I know. I’m looking at it less as “OMG HOROSCOPE!!!!” but more as a piece of advice.

Change… yeah, we can all use it at some point in life. For me, it’s like I really want it. Cuz basically, lately, I have been feeling like a machine, with a few traces of life. I have shut down, maybe. Well, I brought myself to this point. I wanted this, but I had pictured it differently.

The other day, I took an hour something trip downtown just to get this ice tea from this one cafe. And I sat there in the midst of the city life hustle, people in their business suits, all the cars rushing past, not to forget that one dude on a 10 day hunger strike. The best part was when I got up to start heading back, this whole flock of pigeons flew at me.

Well, not literally at me. They flew from the other end to go past me. But it was odd because there was no one throwing them food where I was. So, I stood there for like two minutes as they flew across, and I couldn’t help but smile.

And nah, my perfect moment for once was not ruined to become a comedy. They didn’t poop on me or around me. I could actually enjoy that instead of rolling my eyes repeating “fml fml fml”.

And then coming to work the other day, there was this adorable little puppy sitting calmly on a leash by its owner. It was looking at me so I smiled, and when I crossed it, it got up and started to follow me, all excited.

I am not a dog person but it was one of the most adorable puppies I’ve seen and those few seconds I knew it for, I felt like I would love to have a puppy of my own someday.

There is this dog I walk by everyday back and forth from work – the owner keeps him loose behind the fence and it always walks from one end to the other end of the fence with me. He seems sad, and very lonely. I have never seen the owner give any attention I guess, the 14 seconds of company we give each other everyday suffices somehow.

It’s these little things in life right now that are giving me a reason to keep pushing through. I don’t know anymore where I am heading, what tomorrow will bring, I am grateful to have what I asked for even if it came a little too twisted, but there is still comfort that I didn’t have before.

I missed my family last night. It was a sudden rush of emptiness and before I knew it was a little too late and I was there crying.

And then I had to shake myself out of that state. I asked for this. Parts of it, at least. And if my horoscope has the least bit of decency, maybe what seems like signs I keep seeing everywhere actually do navigate me in the rigjt direction.

Or it will be another horoscope app that gets uninstalled with a poor rating.

Hmmph.

The Right Time vs The Right Person

11 Jun

“The older you get, the harder it is to find someone you can truly love. Cuz you have grown into who you were going to be, and then there is no room to give yourself a chance to grow with someone.”

Or along those lines is what my friend told me last night. And yes, it came from a guy. Not a girl. And he really got me thinking when he asked, “if you’re promised you will find the one you are looking for if you go on a thousand dates, would you do it?”

That is because I initially refused to want to date several people; I wanted to date one. But according to him, sitting on my arse waiting for love to come knocking on my door isn’t anywhere near realistic.

I know. I have a friend who is out there, dating and dating, searching and searching. She is definitely closer to finding her perfect someone. Even though every guy is the one, she is on the right – maybe a little bumpy – road to a happy future.

I, on the other hand, I have avoided relationships. Sometimes, very aware. Sometimes, purely subconsciously. And the conversation brought light to it. Through university, I knew I wasn’t going to stay in the city, or in the state for that matter. I knew I was leaving, I refused to try to emotionally connect with someone for that reason.

And since I have been out here, I have kind of done the same thing. I have let myself avoid guys who wanted something real, even when I said I wanted something real. I always continuously felt there is something more, another milestone I need to reach, before I can start looking. It used to be really easy to keep my heart on lock, until I realized I had started to let my walls down way too fast, way too soon. Probably at the worst time, or at a place I knew very well would be labelled Fail.

What this friend said and implied was, if he meets the girl who is everything he had been searching for in ‘the one’, time and place won’t stand in the way. It’s the person he would want beside him when he is on his death bed looking back at his life, not the career he built or the status he earned.

Realistic, with a tint of hopeless romantic.

I know what he means. I can’t say I don’t want that. And I also can’t deny I find myself nervous about wanting to take that step. Since everytime I prepared myself, it was only a matter of time I got crushed, or made a total fool of myself and then got crushed.

There is a song by Pakistani singer, Bilal Khan, where he talks about him being the only one who can fight his loneliness, if he would get up and go get the one, instead of waiting, wondering. Just fyi, his lyrics are beautiful. Some of it I don’t understand, but what I do get, I find there to be a lot of emotion in every word he sings.

Anyhoos. Basically, this is a discussion with myself. I know when I am able to open up to someone, and I know when I will never be able to tell them anything. And I know when I am not able to, that person has no important placement in my life, and I can’t even give myself a second try to open up to them.

And what else? I want to be understood. I want to be admired for who I am, and I want to be accepted for things about me I can’t change without turning back time.

Considering I have accepted every person in my life the way they are and never attempted to change them, all I know is when I am able to get that back from someone and be loved, that would be the one I would go ahead take the leap with. Whether we fly, or we fall to the ground.

I do believe when the person is right, there isn’t a thing like the right time. Every fight you put up for them is justified. Now, all that remains is, when the time comes, when a person accepts me the way I am, would I really be able to believe him… or would I run away telling myself it’s just bad timing??

I will end with what he ended our conversation with:

The hardest thing to do is usually the right thing to do.