Tag Archives: dating

Love As We Know

13 Aug

Love as we know
Is a beautiful sunny day
Strange hands in each other
A pair of soft lips touching another

Love as we know
Is a beautiful starry night
When a sin couldn’t feel more right
When the feel of another’s skin brought the most delight

Love as we believe
Is a twinkle in the eyes
Is a peaceful smile
A connection of souls
That fulfills our hearts’ goals

Love as we like
Is of words that flow endlessly
Company we appreciate completely
Silence we sit in comfortably
Life we proceed to live thankfully

But what is the love we remember?
The one that walks away
One that after the glory, brings pain?
It brought remorse, it fed resent

What of the love
That believed lies for truth
That saw a lover’s letter on a dove
And saw nothing of the bad spell it flew in

Love as we remember
Is goodbye of everything that made sense
Is loneliness that left us incomplete
Is existence of happiness only in past tense
As we continue on the search for another time and place where we’ll meet

Till that day, my love
Love as I want, the love as I need
Will forever hide inside my heart
Its key lost in your touch

Love as I wish
A touch, a confession, a promise
A burning flame in my body
Waiting to be pleased
Will be at your command
Dying to be released.

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She

22 Jul

Here I lie quite hopelessly
I can’t believe how easily

She took you away from me
Oh how I wish I could have seen
It coming

She kissed your sweet lovely lips
While you held her strong beautiful hips

That I just did not have
Even though I really wish I had

And you left me wondering why
What did I do to deserve to cry

What did I not give to you
What did she know so well how to do
To win your heart
So that you never look back
To see me fall apart in parts

Did she light up your eyes
Better than I could
Did she make you smile
More often than I ever would

Did her touch comfort you
Better than mine did
Did her body make you scream
Louder than mine ever did

Was what I am not good enough
Was the love I gave not strong enough

Does she even come close to knowing you
Like I do
Does she truly see your soul
Or does she just care about fucking you

Does she hold your hand
When you are afraid
Does she fight your demons
Does she keep you safe

Does she know the pain
That she inflicts upon me
When she dances with you in the rain
When you kiss her soft rose cheeks

Sometimes I wanna rip your eyes out of their sockets
When they shine so bright as you slip
Your hands into her back pockets

Why don’t you both fly away
Crash and burn into another day

Where I forget your existence
So I can let go of this nuisance

So I can apply my two cents
Learn how to stay in my senses

But I wish you both the best anyway
I hope you love her for the piece of shit she is everyday
Even though she will, I pray that she never strays
You’re fucking stupid, you deserve her anyway.

Fine Line Between Love and Appreciate

4 May

“Guys like girls they can control. That’s not you. Which is a good thing. For me.” – J

That is what J, my now ex, said. We were talking about it is time to move on, and how I just do not see myself back in the dating world, for reasons I explained in my previous post.

I find it baffling how quickly men change after you leave them. They are suddenly filled with a whole lot of appreciation of who you are – at least, in my case, it has been unquestionably true.

Where he disapproved of how I never listened to him and did what I wanted to, he now appreciates my headstrong opinions and says he respects my courage to fight in whatever way I can for what I believe is right. I’m one of the bravest people he says he has ever met. He has gained respect for me – he has actually finally understood who I am.

I wonder, where was this man all the while we dated? Why was I made to feel like the culprit in this relationship all this time? Why could he not appreciate me while I was still in his life as a lover? Why did I have to walk out for some sense to be knocked into him? Why was I ever taken for granted to such a degree? Is it really true, that you do not realize a good thing till it’s gone? Maybe that just means the good thing should remain gone, so you learn to appreciate the replacement.

In this light, it becomes clearer to me how all my guy friends view me – I have received nothing but respect from them. They all have had several debates with me about different issues, and they have always valued my opinions and insisted on hearing them. In return, I listened to their views and understood their interpretations and learned from them. They challenged me to bring out my fire, not to undermine me. And that, I have only received from guys strictly in friend zone – and from few who showed that respect to try to date me; or get in my pants, whichever way it works.

However, this appreciation lacked in all my relationships. It made me evaluate how these relationships were different than friendships – and I came to a conclusion: I probably let them “feel like a man” when I decided to be nice under socially acceptable norms for a woman. You know, when you do little favors for them, that boost their ego to the sky. I let them state their views before I stated mine, and when I started to state mine first, I came off as a relentless bitch.

Or, maybe, it is not even me. As J said several times since we broke up, he had never met a all-in-one girl like me, and now I have left him in great difficulty trying to find someone as remotely comparable to who I am. In his head, I was the trophy. He felt a sense of accomplishment calling me his own – his mother couldn’t keep her eyes off me, his friends were like ‘wow’, strangers passing us by would stop to compliment me, and go on to tell him his girl is very pretty. [Very confidence-boosting especially when I left the house every other day cursing the mirror because I did not like what it showed me.] He became deluded and treated me like an object. My voice became unacceptable – and, it all came crashing down to realizing I was a human being when I was not “his” anymore. I was not a puppet anymore.

Does this mean I will go back to him? Likely, no. I do not want to have to leave or threaten to leave to be appreciated. It won’t change the fact I had once felt miserably treated, and statistics can prove I will go through the same upon returning. After all, isn’t insanity defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?

Yeah, no, thank you. I am not trading respect and appreciation for puppetry love. Never again. I pray to God that when He does send another man in my life, let him fall in love with my mind first, before he falls in love with what is visible to the eye. But please do let him fall in love with what meets the eye, too. It helps my shaky confidence unconditionally. Amen.

Nothing Changed

3 May

Me and J ended things and became friends. Oddly, we have been surprisingly at ease. It was not just me, I had acted upon his signs and suggested we are best separated and he finally agreed he wanted to do so, too. It was like a weight was lifted off our shoulders.

Love… it is such a funny business. This girl he almost dated before asking me out is trying to set in his life and I do not feel a cringe of jealousy. I joked how he wouldn’t have to worry about her leaving because she is a US citizen and is there to stay. He seems hesitant and I get it. It’s too soon and he is being respectful. But apparently she was already talking to him before things even ended between us, but were on the rocks. I was not delusional when I felt his need to fight.

When it comes to me, things were on the rocks because of the view of marriage I’ve always held. A little part of me would enjoy a fairytale for myself, but a huge part has laid down an endless list of reasons and explanations of why marriage is not meant for me. And, I am perfectly okay with it. The tragedy is, I do not make myself clear enough when I get into a relationship. I assume I’ll come to like the idea, which so far has proven to be pretty short-lived.

Maybe, it is not even my list of reasons; maybe it is just that the right kind of man has not made the dramatic, ground-shaking entrance in my life. Maybe we can conclude I fail at dating. I should just go over a man’s professional and personality resume, interview him, and decide if he deserving of the privilege of making me his wife, which I plan on being the best I can at. Eliminate the whole lifetime long dramas that come with dating. It always ends miserably anyways. And after 3 tries at it, I really feel exhausted. I have nothing left to offer except repeat myself with another person in hopes he gets me and treats me better than the last one.

I am sick of repeating myself. I should have a whole report written on me, stating my personality, beliefs, passions, fears, likes and dislikes, and handed to a suitor. Mostly as a forewarning as to what the idiot is getting himself into. It shall contain very vital information which cannot be shared by everyone, so only those approaching me with a serious proposal get access to this report.

Yes, so I am done dating. I’m done with all that crap. I have been unable to Keep a one-track mind regarding a lover, and with so much I feel I need to do in my life, a stable marital status of “single, not looking for ANYTHING AT ALL” would help keep me focused. Meanwhile, staying friends with J isn’t bad. I resented the idea of a past lingering in my life without being my present and future. Especially because they almost always make you nostalgic and cause problems in your current relationship. But I think the physical distance makes it easier to be friends. All it takes is the click of a button to have them out of your life again. Saves me from having an awkward confrontation.

Mistakes I Made In Love

18 Apr

We all make mistakes throughout life, and we all learn from them and try to do things differently the next time. Lately, with my long-distance relationship with J on rocks, I was forced to look back and evaluate what had happened that we are here now. And, where one side of me wants to accept all the blame and the other side doesn’t want to accept any of it to be my fault, I managed to reach a midpoint where I realized what my mistakes were – mistakes I had made from the moment I decided to be in a relationship at all.

1. He is a good guy; he will make a good boyfriend.

For growing up in the city, it was impressive J never tried any kinds of drugs, never smoked, drank only on extremely rare situations, stayed home with family at nights instead of gang-banging  and he sincerely liked me. He never fooled around with anyone, respected the sanctity of relationships. So overall, he seemed like a nice and different-than-what-I-was-used-to package to have. So, I loved him for that. Those kinds of genetic traits would be great to live with. Other things were ignored – such as the next point.

2. I forgot that good, decent boyfriends should evolve into good, providing husbands.

From time to time, J mentioned about what he would rather be doing with his life. His fear of failure, however, kept him from trying. Deciding what it means to be a caring girlfriend, all I did was try to convince him it is already time to start working on his ambitions. I dug up information about his dream career and present it to him – of how that will benefit him, and benefit the family he hopes to someday have. And I would say it every time he was sick of his current job and said he wants to do something else. Simply TRYING to reach this milestone was something I hoped he would have done before I was to go back, before I was to introduce him to my family, before we were to get married. Show me that he understands it is important to me that he feels fulfilled with his life. Worst case scenario, it could have been a few years of trying before he would have gotten there.

3. I tried to help him.

He had begun to complain about his feelings of incompetency – when I took him to social circles where everyone has at least a Bachelor’s degree, and are applying or already enrolled in Masters and PhD programs. He felt attacked every time someone challenged him, and made him feel they are better than him – when they clearly did not even suggest that. So, through my tough love techniques, I suggested these feelings can disappear if he gets off his ass and does something about it. That is where I became a bitch.

4. I concluded from endless accusations that I am really a selfish bitch, so I apologized, and backed off.

I was not exactly called a bitch per se; it was just implied how I am the villain. I was made to see myself in a different light, where I am selfish and I have changed from what I used to be and how I am obsessively controlling and dominating [I like how it’s perfectly acceptable to be a dominatrix, but a woman dare not have a dominating personality], and how I am driving him to want to die by speaking about my feelings. So I backed off.

Because wanting somebody you thought you would spend the rest of your life with to feel fulfilled in life is so selfish.

5. I realized too late I had no support for my aspirations.

I talked a lot about what I wanted to do – and I tried a lot to get where I want to be. Be it as mean and selfish as it could, I knew I was not going to let an unambitious person in my life stop me from fulfilling my own life’s purpose. I looked into schools all over, I took the GMAT with almost zero time on my hands to study for them, I applied any way, and I kept applying for jobs I wanted a career out of in the meantime too – even those that would cause us to drift apart.

And he blamed me, and resented me for doing this. It was like, he rather I stay the way I am and we will build a life out of where we were. I was never encouraged. I was made to feel guilty because I wanted time alone to study, because I did not hesitate in stating that I will move if education and career opportunities arise in a different corner of the world.

So, I added he is more than welcome to come with me. He said I don’t care what he wants. “What do you want?” and he replied, “to stay here where I am!”

6. Somewhere along the line, of the constant fighting and guilt-tripping each other, I realized I lost respect for him. And yet, I stayed.

So well, I am now the bitch. When we are going to fall through, he will go around telling his friends and family and future girlfriends how I never let him breathe, how I suffocated him by throwing his dreams at him. I would be the selfish ex who cares only about what I want to do with my life, and for wanting things out of his life.

And, because of his several declarations stating how much he needs me, I do not know how to tell it to him that a break would be best for us. I don’t know how to explain to him that while I do still probably love him, I forgot how to miss him. I do not have the feeling of being in love anymore. I do not live feeling an empty feeling, I do not go to bed smiling about him, and I do not wake up thinking of him. I actually believe there is no cure for his procrastination in his life. I actually believed for a while there I am obsessively controlling, until I was jolted into the reality that I never pushed anything on him. Merely suggested.

7. I evaluated us in a serious-relationship context way too late.

One of the worst things we women do is tell our girlfriends to take it easy, to go with the flow when we start a new relationship. What we are really supposed to do is know that relationships are supposed to get serious at some point – and if they are not getting there, then there is a problem.

Speaking generally, we all want a faithful and successful husband; a man successful enough to be happy with his life, and to be able to provide for the family. But when it comes to a boyfriend, financial stability doesn’t matter. How the chemistry feels is the main concern. And, of course, we plan on not caring, and not thinking too much of where we are and where we are going.

This is THE stupidest idea. Because, sooner or later, one of us is going to fall in love with the other, and soon plans to be together forever are going to have to be made. And then, little things are going to start mattering.

I mean, I knew what I always wanted in a man. I figured I will evaluate J in that manner when the time comes. I figured that when he will be in love with me, he will slowly start to see me in a manner where he would just magically want to TRY to give me the stars and the moon, like he always said he wanted to – because I deserved it.

How effin’ romantic!

But, that never came to happen. All I got was a “Back off! Then I will be happier. The happier I am, the less I will cheat, too.” That is what it came down to. It came down to, in his own words, calming down my personality to suit his needs. Ouch.

And Then Appeared a Sign…

3 Apr

image

That’s the text from my boyfriend I just received. That’s the family he always talks about having, and he saw them right when I was talking to him like I am losing all hope.

I like how much he believes in us. But then, I just watched 500 Days of Summer and he seems to be just as hopeful and sure as Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in the movie. And it scares me. What if that is what we become?

Nevertheless, the text made me smile, and seemed to be some sort of sign that appears right at the moment I am giving up, telling me to keep holding on.

Or, the devil in me says that was going to be my life, but someone leaped to the future, took my life, and made it theirs in the past.

Is time travel secretly possible yet even?

Settling In A Relationship?

2 Mar

I read the quote today about how so many things in life are mediocre, and how love should not be one of them. It was beautiful, and put me in one of those self-reflecting moments, wondering how I have approached my love life.

Of course, like every other person, I had a checklist, which I have mentioned on and off in my previous posts. And on some level, it did obviously become superficially perfect too, like I myself am flawless. Tall, dark and handsome kind of superficial which made all other shortcomings invisible.

I am not supermodel skinny and beautiful, I am not head of UN, I don’t own a large condo, I do not have a BMW. Of course, all those things are something that would be cool, but not something that should be a falling in love criteria.

If there is one thing new people in my life know about me, I am shy, quiet, I speak when addressed, and avoid saying anything so as to not offend anyone. Simply put, I am nice and accepting. So, where making good, close friends was a task and never came naturally, finding myself in a romantic relationship would be even more impossible. Add to that, a checklist.

But I met J. And there was no dull moment. We were attracted to each other. Like most, we have our unconcealable flaws we are too ashamed to admit. As conscious as I am/was about my body, my acne outbursts, my small apartment, my shopped-on-a-budget wardrobe, I was just surprised he didn’t care. And vice versa with him. Where I lacked, he made up. The fact that we start smiling like fools texting thirty seconds before we are about to meet up, finding each other physically desirable, I know we passed the first test of whether we are settling or not. It made me realize my Mr. Right checklist was not looking for a Neal Caffrey, who fits into a do-and-leave category.

There was something I heard that said that if there is anything you want to change about a romantic partner, you should start looking for another. And then I heard how one should try to get the best out in their partner, make them who they could be, who they wanted to be. All of us have several dreams. As for me, on one hand, I dream of becomimg a well-known and powerful philanthropist or business tycoon. On the other, I see helping make changes on a smaller scale, living a decent life and spending quality times with friends and family. Plain and happy. I will take what I get, because both will make me happy, because both have a good and a bad side. And what J has shown me is his support for both of my dreams. He jokes about how he will be the house-hubby while I can make all the money if I follow my first dream, and perfectly acceptable of an easy life of raising children with me if I follow my second dream. We both shared our dreams, and we encourage each other to reach them, we know the other’s potential and we push each other towards it. So there – we have passed the second test as well.

I also analyzed our overall chemistry, and it’s surprisingly great. We joke too much, wrestle too much, fight minimal, talk about where we think the other is being unreasonable – we do not sugar coat our thoughts – we say it like it is. Brutal honesty is always awesome. We can do several things with each other, or even nothing at all, and we still enjoy every single moment together. I never thought I would come to a point where I will stop to be embarrassed about me, my life, and my family. I discuss everything with ease; I do not have to pretend to be anything I am not.

Am I looking at it through rose-coloured glasses? Well, yes, like a normal couple, we do argue. We give a few minutes of silent treatment, followed by a rush of critical comments, and then make up. It does not last over ten minutes. Even the most serious of issues end with a joke. His family really likes me, too. The only thing is my conversative family who have yet to know about him (Ouch hashtag).

So, there it really is. We create a whole checklist of our ideal partner, we forget how many of those items are actually a need and how many are empty and superficial, because of what friends tell us we deserve – handsome, smart, rich, reliable to sum it up.

I mean, do we ever sit back and wonder why exactly we think we deserve that? The mainstream view of classy women where we need to have standards? Of course we do. Our standards should be a reliable human being with the capacity and desire to be a loyal husband and a great father. And at the same time, look at our capacity to be just that for a man. We cannot expect to have our men be cool with us having a girls night out when we constantly feel threatened when they have a boys night out. It’s not fair.

And after it all, the only thing that matters is the chemistry you will have with your partner. Admiring the heck out of each other should be exciting and make you blush, being away should make you miss each other, looking at each other with eyes full of love should be frequent, not letting each other make a fool out of yourselves alone – be a team and do it together, and of course, not lose sight of reality without letting it pop your only happy bubble. Live up the crazy stupid love you got – it only happens these many times.

Telling-Apart Trauma

21 Oct

That awkward moment when your mind cannot separate what it feels like being in a real relationship from whatever feelings associated with being in a casual passing thing.

That’s what years of training yourself to not feel does to you. You have trouble trying to feel again where you should feel.

Should force be used here? If one can force herself to become heartless, can she also force herself to love?

Or is the mind not letting you feel because something keeps telling you it isn’t IT?

Or you’re so used to douchebags that you would only want to try hard to keep one as long as possible? That you like trying to be someone instead of being wanted for just who you are?

And would your relationship become something like when you let him go, he evolves into something you want and need to keep? Like in the movies?

So I guess it’s safe to say, besides trying to understand my developed complicated possibilities, that it’s several years of nothings that has impaired my ability to dissolve into somethings.

One advice to women: for the sake of your sanity, avoid the whole ever-so-popular-because-of-convenience cuddle buddy/casual hookup phenomenon. You will only end up wanting more an more of what you’ve been so used to, after enjoying – for a brief period – being treated like a person who matters.

Something New, Something Different

16 Sep

I feel like I disappeared for quite a while. I was sick, recovering, midst of so much work, and a new relationship that was still supposed to be in the bud but bloomed pretty quick.

Yeah, he came out of nowhere when I had totally given up and absolutely enjoying being alone and feeling uncomfortable about the thought of sharing myself with anybody. But, we have spent every day of the one week we started dating together. And, surprisingly, I really liked his company.

Dinners and movies and shopping and aimless strolls and adventures on public transportation, it has been great. And he is successfully changing my forever-held opinion of all men are pigs, especially when they enter my life. I love how much he respects and appreciates and adores me, so I cannot even complain right now.

Except I still have my guard up pretty strong. He is one of the ultimate nice guys, and feels for me a lot more than I currently return. I mean, it has only been a week but it feels so much longer than that.

And well aware of the fact there are only two ends to a relationship: you break up, or you grow old together. And we already joked about both endings. I don’t even know if that’s an appropriate conversation to have.

All I know is, if there is someone you can trust, share your secrets with, be yourself, and feel comfortable doing that, there is no reason you shouldn’t be with them. I guess maybe it’s because it has been over three years someone has had genuine feelings for me is why I am remaining sort of skeptical… while trying to convince myself to let my guards down.

So, oh well, let’s see where this goes. I don’t want to be one of those girls who push away someone so nice and so sincere because she is too bitter to believe this would be anything different from her past. I like how he makes me feel good about myself, and I like how he is one of the few guys who know how to dress well enough to make a uniform look classy. I admire his avoiding-all-things-trashy lifestyle: no tattoos, no smoking, no drinking, no partying – he’s very much just my type 🙂

So, gonna live it one day at a time, and to remember I have an exam end of October I need to do extremely awesome at. No room for screw ups at all, or my future is going to be a blank page :/

Call Me, Maybe?

19 Aug

image

Lol. Typical. Sort of a shame all the fasting and repentance goes down the drain once Ramadan is over. But a hilarious depiction nonetheless. Woot Woot, Arab Memes! 🙂

Eid Mubarak!