Tag Archives: destiny

When We Met

15 Aug

For when our paths crossed
Worlds collided
Devils departed
Flames of passion ignited
And our souls divided
A piece of yours for mine
No matter the distance
Forever united.

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What The Boring

31 Mar

You know how it goes:

You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.

And Saudi Arabia brings you to the realization of the harsh reality of your life will be, on average, boring. I mean, psychiatrists are concerned about the boredom levels among youth in Saudi Arabia. There is so much NOT going on, that they are concerned about youths resorting to causing trouble and breaking the law to find a little bit of excitement in their lives.

Coming from several years of killing boredom at bars and nightclubs and occasional parties, concerts and movies, museums and arcades, exploring the city and trying new restaurants and coffee shops, it is impossible to transition into a Saudi female’s lifestyle. Limited by transportation, limited in the number of activities available, limited in what to see, and now the scarcity of family hookah bars has absolutely destroyed fun for me.

It all comes down to, “Let’s go to the mall… there is an arcade there and some rides!” or “Hey, I’m bored with nothing to do, come over and entertain me!” We will chat and catch up, decide to download a comedy, or a scary movie because for some reason they have a tone of thrill which we lack in real life, turn off the lights and create a home cinema. On a rare weekend, we will go to the beach. I hate the beaches in Arabia, because of the┬áscorching┬ásun that will give me a tan I despise for the rest of the year, running into the water with all your clothes on because well, this is Saudi Arabia, you have to keep your clothes on, and the fact that I don’t know how to swim. So, I just let myself float in salty water. Since I am uncomfortable with nudity or partial nudity anyways, I don’t mind the sea close to sunset, and I enjoy the barbeque meals there at night, and playing Cricket or Soccer.

But the beaches are once in a summer kind of a thing. It takes so much planning, and convincing parents to take us and enjoy out there themselves. It’s only possible on a weekend, and if all our friends’ families have no other plans with other family friends.

Then, there is the mall. You can only have fun at the mall if you intend to shop. And for the most part, not all of us are in the frame of mind for shopping, be it lack of interest in purchasing something nice because you will be wearing an Abaya over it outside of home anyways, or the lack of finances for something we really like.

At times, we host themed parties. Sometimes it’s a more West-themed dance party, sometimes we dress traditional and eat traditional food, put on ethnic music, and take lots of pictures where we look pretty together. Or, we make a plan and go out to Applebees or Pizza & Co., and sip non-alcoholic cocktails and margaritas, because you know, we are cool like that.

But that is my potential summer when I will get together with my girls who are coming back when their classes end. That’s late June or early July. In the mean time, there’s nothing. Except work. Except finding all the adventure I need in Sidney Sheldon classics. Except living a long-distance relationship and the drama that comes with it. Find my colleagues interesting and develop some sort of informal friendships with them, where I can have some sort of social interactions.

Anyway, Saudi Arabia takes you to a whole new level of boring. With your limited options for fun, you suddenly do not know what fun means, other than digital entertainment. While boys still have opportunities to go to the gym, play billiards, go bowling, find hookah bars, drive around the beaches and inhale fresh air, girls unfortunately do not. We cannot all get in one car, freely talk about anything and everything, move in our seats to music, because of the presence of a father. Having a brother drive us anywhere is still more preferred by us, but then, brothers have their own lives that they do not want to waste on entertaining us and our girls.

So, where in other countries, we are responsible for the boredom and the lack of passion in our lives, it is not so in Saudi Arabia. It is this country that is responsible for it. It is the way it has nurtured our parents to be strict to unreasonable levels, and bred in us the fear of disobedience towards them. On a plus side, women here develop a sense of rebellion which they satisfy through building a passion for change, a passion for education, a passion for a career. So while every girl in the rest of the world can have passions of traveling and exploring and freedom and music to easily make it happen for them, our passions stay limited to achieving something through our minds, through reading, because that is the only escape to go ahead and find more passions.

The minimal physical exposure, and the lack of emotional and financial support for that exposure, that is needed to develop our passions, till then will keep us boring. Or, we can try and find adventure in our struggle.

Always Happy?

4 Jul

So a friend of mine randomly messages me today: “pray for me when you are happy and since you are always happy always pray for me :)”

It was kind of really sweet of him to say that. But always happy? It’s not like he has ever met me. He follows my every single tweet on twitter, and most likely sums me up from it.

But always happy… That is what almost everyone says to me. They say whenever they would look at me, I would always be smiling, or if they aren’t looking at me, they’d always hear me giggling about one thing or the other.

Well, I guess I do tend to do that. Even when I am breaking, I manage to just not let things get to me. There’s something funny about every misery when you observe your life from someone else’s point of view. So despite everything I lose and gain on the daily, I have no complaints, I don’t get bored, I don’t feel anything close to miserable.

Not going to lie, I do get depressed sometimes. But instead of dwell in it, I always find myself making every attempt to distract my mind, even if that meant I sometimes needed to hang onto someone to get out of the black hole.

I keep things to myself, mostly. And when I do let it out, I let it out in a manner that makes it seem like I could care less about what I am going through.

I can’t remember myself this way back in high school; actually, I don’t even know when I turned into a person who doesn’t mind being teased by every friend and every colleague, when I became too perky for people who are carrying way too much unnecessary baggage.

Maybe I just accepted I can’t change any past of mine, and I might as well throw away the baggage since it won’t do anything worthwhile for my present or my future. Guess that is why I am able to smile like a newborn, who doesn’t know of any evil, any sorrow or any deception.

Until life smacks me in the face, but I deal with it and go back to myself. That’s where I know, though, for every hardship I go through and come out of, I just appear several degrees happier to people around me than I was before.

My coworkers say reality hasn’t hit me in the face. When it does, I will become bitter and angry and that is when I will grow up. Well, if that is what mature means, maybe I don’t want to grow up. If depression is what grown ups choose to live with, I am sorry, you might as well kill yourself now.

I am not the most pious person; I am a sinner if anything at all. But I believe life is nothing but a precious gift from God, and it is our job as His believers to not question it, but simply accept it, live it to the fullest, and fight to make it happy. He took a lot of time and care into designing our destiny, and if the best we can plan is to just stay stuck and wait for our end, we are an extremely pathetic lot. We have not learned anything from any of the tests God has put us through. We have failed, and we can now miss out on the rewards He was reserving for us.

So, if I am happy, maybe my gift has been the strength He has given me so far. The strength I need to do alright on my own, the strength needed to fight and live through without feeling like I am fighting and living through anything. God has required us to pray, but He has also ordered us to not forget to multitask – live this life, and to love in this life too. Maybe so we never forget Him when we keep turning to Him for guidance through difficulties, and when we are thanking Him for all the wonderful people and things He sent in our lives.

Reality has hit me. I am 23, not 16. I just learned from it what I was supposed to, not what young-people TV and music and books tried to tell me to learn from it. To me, bitter isn’t mature. And will never be.

A Quick Reply

1 Jun

So while I was praying my Friday prayer today, and praying for a sign, a sense of direction, my phone went off. And the timing for the message was perfect.

I was feeling far beyond lost, I couldn’t keep my head straight, and maybe it was an answer from God. An answer for every distress I have been going through.
Maybe this is something I should consider. My life has always gone through big leaps for change, nothing was ever gradual. Breaking every meaningless bond as I have made these changes. Maybe that is what I need to do. I wouldn’t get such a quick response to my complaining in prayer if it wasn’t important.

I have questioned God several times for why I had to go through everything I have been through, I have found myself turned away from Him because I couldn’t justify fate.

But I know now He has a plan, and I will only truly understand the reason for everything I got and didn’t get, reason for every person who passed me by… when I reach the end of my life. For now, I explore this opportunity He has knocking on my door, and see what it’s all about.

The Building Blocks

22 Apr

A friend recently said that happiness is a facade. To me, it’s a state of mind I have reached and fallen out of for reasons I am unaware, at times when I should be feeling the opposite.

It’s like, when one area of my life starts playing out as smoothly as I wanted it, another obviously is not able to reach that stage, when I had just started with the perfect plan to get there.

So, well… I have been looking for my own place since God knows when. And now, I have all I need to be able to make that possible – the strongest reason being I live too far from where I work and the night commutes are not working out. But…!!! The day I find potential apartments and make plans to contact the places the next day, guess what I encounter?

Obstacles.

Not that these obstacles are my concern, not for most of the part anyways, but it’s my undefeatable instinct to show empathy is what gets in the way of having my world my way.

So all I am hoping is other miracles happen so I am not bound to be stuck here with someone who said and done what they did recently and have forever lost my concern for their situation.

Family is complicated. Well, at least I feel so. I have been on my own for so long now, I am unable to find myself fitting in at all. I feel obligated to build relationships and maintain contact with people I don’t even want to. I don’t want to share a piece of my day with them, but I am forced to try and make conversation.

All I know is, as I repeat to myself everyday, it’s not the end if things are not in place. There is so much beauty in imperfection, an overwhelming feeling of success after all the struggling to get to your destination. The best of things in life are going to come with time anyway, if they are meant to.

Such is my hope for me to be able to be me 24/7 without being moulded into something others desire of me. Guess I still have 7 more years to finally navigate myself onto the road I been wanting to travel down for so long, where I will be able to have those 5minutes of awareness that all areas of my life are just the way I had pictured them to be.