Tag Archives: discovery

Uh, Hi?

4 Jan

I know I’m a tad bit late, but Happy New Year! Things have started looking up ever since that crazy woman encounter, and it isn’t about all that “new year, new me” horse poop. Quite frankly, that never happens. And I never count on a birthday or a year or even a new job or relocation to ever do that.

Change is inevitable. Yet, in my life, it is also gradual. You can absorb all you will ever know in a lifetime in one go, but your change is still not going to immediately happen. So, if there is a list of anythings I have completed the last year learning, it is how I have enjoyed the pretty bumpy road to figuring out where my heart really lies.

My interests are varied, some influenced by curiosity others by passion and still, others by experience. Overall, I have enjoyed teaching. Just the few 6yr old girls I have taught. Mainly because part of me looks at some of these kids as friends, less students. Or because I get to be just myself and use a twisted sense of humor with them that they still laugh at even when they don’t understand. It has, however, not made me fond of kids in general. I still don’t like them. I just like a few of the ones I have come across because they are smart, eager to learn, hug and kiss me way too much, and aren’t spoiled little brats who throw endless tantrums that make you want to grab them and throw them out the window. Nah… these girls I adore.

Then I realized I treat my life like a comedy. Held 4 jobs in the past year, and where one would be stressed about it, I laughed about it. I get some kind of adrenaline rush out of the instability and never knowing what will happen. I mean, there is a limited supply of adrenaline in this part of the world when you run the risk of putting people you care about in more trouble than yourself. You seek it in a less obvious manner.

Then the long gaps between each job helped me become more in tune with myself. So where I didn’t spend time being productive for anybody or anything else, I did so for myself. Cleansing out, renovating self from within, understanding things that make me who I really am and making peace with it. Discovering everything about you, quenching your thirst for obscure knowledge… in the end, education didn’t stop because of limitations. All subjects I had remote interest in, I read up on. You know: where there’s a will, there’s a way!

Oh well, let’s see what 2014 has to bring overall. I don’t expect much, but I hope it will be one – or a few more than one – step closer to shaping and revealing my destiny. 14 has always been “my number” so pretty much fingers crossed for it to bring me luck.

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Dating 2011 – Who Is To Blame?

30 Dec

Something happened yesterday that made me look back on what my crap-of-a-dating-life has been like this past year, and the pattern has been pretty consistent, unfortunately.

I was approached by several guys this year, it was kind of crazy. Okay, so I won’t be a total saint – I did enjoy the attention if it was coming from a fairly attractive male. Considering I have had been single for a couple of years now, I didn’t think flirting back was wrong… Until well, a little snooping around on Facebook and the word around town revealed almost all of these males were in relationships – some for a couple of months, while others for several years – in well-committed relationships!

That is when I took several steps back till I disappeared from the picture. Of course, my initial rants would revolve around how all men are pigs, how the only thing they know how to do right is be unfaithful, how they have no conscience… But let’s assume I have said it all.

I’d take a more humble approach and instead of maybe blaming it on all mankind, take a look at myself this time.

Why do all the men showing any romantic or sexual interest in me do so while they are in pretty healthy and happy relationships? Do I have “home-wrecking vamp” written all over my freaking forehead? My wardrobe is pretty decent; I’m known more as a sweetheart than a sex-pot, I smile big, tease less, state opinions explicitly, help my girls genuinely rather than secretly plot on destroying them. Nothing I do portrays me as the girl who is going to aid in breaking a home that could have been. Nothing about a person too nice means home-wrecker! Or a one time thing that’s going to aid them in escaping whatever they are trying to.

While some hid their relationship, others were pretty explicit about them, and still expected to have me one way or the other. And even others who expected me to try to steal them away and make them my own. I kind of refuse to believe all the three kinds assumed me to be a home-wrecker or a vamp or desperate or just plain stupid for that matter. I mean, when they are in such long-term relationships, why do they suddenly feel the need to ruin it by dragging me into it?

I cannot understand what vibe I ever gave off to them. Am I someone they always wanted on their “list”? Do they find some kind of comfort with me they have not found with the one they are with? Does my presence make them realize they have been with the wrong person and are just settling? Or is it just the thrill of the chase?

But if the answer does not lie within how I come off as a person, maybe I am just meant to attract all the wrong kinds of shots at love. Don’t get me wrong, I have no complaints or regrets or feelings of loneliness resulting from being single. Finding love is not one of my top priorities in life, at least not at this age when I am focused on building a career and nurturing my friendships. I leave that up to fate to work its course when it thinks it is right for me. In the meantime, I enjoy being on the dating scene for the mere purpose of observing and putting together “dating today” theories – and of course, entertainment for when other areas of life are not happening.

But when these potential partners do come up in my life, they come up relationshipstically damaged and incompetent. They are either looking for nothing but a fling, or expect me to steal them from some other woman. I’d have liked to tell you that these men only existed in college, but sadly, it prevails after that too.

The result of such experiences on the dating scene has left me with limited expectations of my future: single workaholic with a cat and maybe an adopted child, single having forbidden affairs and meaningless sex, or ending up as a trophy wife.

I’m not cynical about life – it’s everything I have experienced and observed and concluded my theories from. I am still a very optimistic person. Optmistic about men despite my dating life… Because I have some very sweet friend-zone guys in my life, and I also see my girls dating true gentlemen. I’m honestly happy for them, but I do admit… I keep fingers crossed they don’t turn into the kind of men that suddenly are tempted to cheat and find a girl who shares similar luck to me in this game of love.