Tag Archives: family

The Two Battles

14 May

So, for the past several days, all I have been doing is fighting, and protesting and resisting from miles away.

For one, the school came around and are accepting me into their program (woot woot!! Yayyy!! Yayyy!!). But laid down reappearing my GMAT for 170 points more would grant me the full scholarship I am looking for. So now, I have 3 options to choose from:

– reappear in a month, and get 170 points more and complete my MBA in a year
– impress future employer in the Emirates and live my freedom and start clearing my student loan debt myself (which has to be done in the next few weeks)
– pursue my MBA part-time in Dubai, or get my employer to sponsor my studies elsewhere at a B-school they value.

That is my dilemma. Parents already placed indirect emphasis on me being a burden because I am suddenly so demotivated, concluding they would like to stop supporting me. If that doesn’t make me feel like Hannah from GIRLS but without selfish best friends, I don’t know what will. I mean, when you are limited by your own personal finances, there isn’t much of a choice. Especially when the question comes of how am I going to support myself while in school, as in food and supplies, when I have no legal authorization to work in that country. So, those are my ultimatums.

If I look towards Dubai, I get to share an apartment with my sister, I get to go out when I want and do my shopping when I want and go to the movies and several arcades, basically live the same lifestyle I lived in Chicago – just with a more fulfilling job and more finances available this time. And after a couple of years, pursue my MBA. Is that so bad?

That is my internal battle. As for my external battle, I suddenly developed an overwhelming sense of patriotism. But in the sense, where I will join forces with anyone fighting for something I see as right. And right now, I am helping one of the countries I belong to, Pakistan, to grant its citizens the right to their stolen votes during the May 11 election. And to drive out the thugs that have taken over the city my dad’s family calls home. It is not easy because of lack of international coverage on news channels, so every person in resistance is using his or her own social networks to mass protest from all over the world. And, I am one of them.

It is like the Arab Spring in Pakistan, except where they throw gas bombs to break protests, here they fire bullets. So, I have been busy. Tens and thousands of Pakistanis and half-Pakistanis round the world are trying to get an international news network to cover our stories, but, so far nothing has been done. It is kind of like they do not care, or are paid to ignore us.

Too many battles, too little time. Now I have to figure out my course of life, and kind of just dreading that I would need a driver’s license in Dubai. I cannot express my phobia of road accidents enough.

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The Wisdom of A Struggling Man

30 Mar

I recently hired back one of my favourite drivers from childhood. From driving me to middle school, he now drives me to work. I think one of my most favourite things about him was how chatty he was. He never stopped talking, and was always amusing. Apart from being one of the rare few who could be trusted.

Before you judge me, I live in Saudi Arabia. We women still do not have authorization to drive, hence, we hire drivers. Also, because I’m too scared to drive.

This morning, he talked about the Middle Eastern life, which he learned from the 25 years he lived here, moving from Bangladesh for work so he could support his wife and children back home. He had sponsor issues and suddenly had to leave, and took him quite a few years before he could come back with a new sponsor.

Anyway, through it all, he emphasized how working in the Middle East is a bad decision overall. The only good thing is the money he sends back home converts to a fairly large amount to afford a few luxuries as well. As for his experience, the treatment he received he described with the simple analogy of a tissue paper: Thrown away after the purpose is served, used and abused.

True, he came here to be a driver. While some paid him good, others abused his need and either paid less, or mistreated him. He did not go into detail, but I can imagine what he meant. Some employers cannot respect somebody in manual labour. They act like they aren’t human. It’s not just the Middle East. In the West, almost every profession is treated non-human by the employers to a certain degree. But here he was, aging and feeling disrespected. Such few people in the Middle East can actually be nicer to the unfortunate, and only those who know what struggle is themselves.

He went on to summarize people’s lives today, quoting what their motto seems to be: “Money is the second God of the world”. While our belief puts nothing in comparison to God Himself, he wasn’t wrong when he said people now treat it like it is. It’s sad. We chase so much, not exactly money, but thing only money can bring to us. We get so caught up in this life we never realize it’ll be gone at any moment, we do not dedicate any time to the riches of the eternal afterlife.

He acknowledged, too, that some people treat life like it is a picnic, determined to be crazy and wild because they want to feel fulfilled. And by that, we have ignored our very basic instinct. To be better human beings.

In his very struggling innocent observation,there is no denying he is right. His real happiness is with his family where comfort as needed can exist. The simple life. And getting to work for people who are kind-hearted and generous. And human.

And as easy as it is to say that, for us used to such luxuries, it is hard to be done. We are grown up in a different environment, we are raised with different happiness scheme where high education is the start of the whole process, followed by career to build till we settle down, and then marriage. Oh, my driver had something more to say about settling – that building a life can take forever. There is no such thing as satisfied because of the evolutionary human instinct of greed.

I admire his opinions. I was lucky enough to be raised in a family who put great amount of emphasis on charity and treating the less fortunate with kindness and equality. And that extends to all animals, too. If I have a heart and the capacity to understand people from all walks of life, it is thanks to my parents who never overworked any servants and maintained a friendly, respectful relationship with all, sharing jokes and personal stories. It is thanks to them that I understand the value in the words of someone who would normally be considered insignificant in this ruthless world because of his social class.

The Mind Manipulation Into Fear And Guilt

6 Mar

The flight that was going to take me out of here back to home in 5 hours from now – well, it was cancelled a few hours ago. It was a silent prayer I had made – or not so silent. But it was a prayer I made. And I remember waking up with a feeling that I am not leaving any more, and fifteen minutes later, my parents call and tell me it has been cancelled.

You won’t believe the WHOA moment I had right there. I was in the process of imagining different scenarios of how the goodbye with J will be – both of us had a rough night and he said we should just get married come morning, and it was the fastest yes I have ever said in my life. And this morning, we smiled about how this is a sign we should both get new, better jobs and he should take me right now and marry me, and there will never be anything to worry about – if I leave, I am definitely coming back, and I am coming back to him.

Oh, the fairytale we humans play and replay in our minds. So, I went ahead, and without mentioning J, told my mother we could probably start looking at this as a sign that maybe greater things lie here for me and we should accept this as God’s plan. To which, she denies His plan, and believes it’s how people are jealous of her children and it’s all how bad they have jinxed my success and they are holding me back. Right. I mean, I believe jinxes happen, but then, why would someone jinx me into staying here? This is where I am actually happy. They would do that and send me back to Saudi Arabia, where I will keep struggling to make a place my home again. And, of course, I have a greater believe in God’s plan. He has the ultimate reason for everything He does. He could be giving me more time here to mentally adjust myself to coping with the lifestyle change; He could also be trying to say this is where I will forever be happier than I could be anywhere else. Who knows?

However, mother added I have become too westernised in the sense I like my freedom too much – well, who doesn’t? My parents had always been too strict for the kind of person I was – had to beg my arse off to go to a friend’s birthday party, and I would never be allowed to go for lunch with the gang if I wanted to. So, from that lifestyle, to this, yes, it has been a blessing. I can go to the mall, I can go the movies, I can go to see friends, I can go out for dinner – however, I still have to answer million questions to them about where I am and when I will be home. It sucks, a lot. I always had something inside of me that wanted to do things, but I was always too controlled, and I never learned. It’s so late for so much now.

She went on to say family doesn’t seem to matter to me much – well, I know they love me. I love them. If I am holding back from doing what I could do, it is for the respect I have for them. I could go ahead cut all ties with them, marry away and not care about their blessing, start my own life the way I could and follow my heart – but I am not. I am not because I care about my family, they matter to me. The only thing with the distance I wish was that they were here with me, so I do not have to worry about them being there.

The whole theme of my life is of breaking free. I have forever felt restrained, I have forever felt the fear of disappointing my parents. I just wish they would accept happiness in things that make their children happy. I remember when my sister wanted to go ahead study Public Relations and Broadcasting, they all objected saying it’s a waste of a degree, and there is no scope of success in it. They wanted her to study something all Eastern parents want their children to study – Business, Medicine, Computers, or Engineering. But that is not what made my sister happy. She argued back and forth with them, and even though they still disagree to several degrees, they had no choice but to let her go ahead with it.

So, that is the question I asked them: why would someone jinx me into staying in my happiness? It is not what makes my parents happy, but they are not trying to keep me with them. They are still trying to send me to the Emirates, so I will still be the same – caught up in a busy life, not finding the time to have long conversations with them. They say at least there is peace of mind there. I do not find peace of mind when for sure, after retirement, you have no future in the Middle East. They will deport you off to a war-stricken country where people are now not even safe inside their own homes. So, what peace of mind is that? My mother never replied to that. She knew I was right. What is her ultimate plan? It’s an Eastern family – they do not consider daughters as important as they consider sons because at some point all they want us to do is get married and start calling in-laws mom and dad. And, then they will think they have accomplished success for their daughters. It’s like, I can reach the height of my career, and they will still keep thinking I am unlucky because I am not married. They will say how I am too successful to be appealing for a man. Yes, that is why my mother is probably silently praying I do not get accepted into the PhD program, because I will be too educated to find myself a man.

I know the religious obligations they are facing. It’s the whole thing that worries them that there is no father or brother figure in my life to watch over me. My father said at a point that people are talking, saying things like they sent a girl far away with no supervision, and it’s not right. That is what pisses me off. They give me everything they think I need – food, shelter, their presence be it near or far – but I want several other things to feel complete. I needed the ability to make decisions. I don’t know how they expect me to build a corporate management career when they are making all vital decisions for me that I should just offer them the job because they know decision-making better than I do. So, in several ways, they are limiting my ability to grow. And they are not realizing it. They controlled me so much that when I first had to think on my feet, I could not. I did not know what to do, how to do. I went through several traumatic confidence-building phases, and I have finally learned how to impress during an interview – because I have learned who I am, and how I do things.

Mother said parents in the US kick their kids out at 18 – it is the simplified, stereotyped version of the process of kids getting kicked out at 18. They could send them away for school, the kids could move out because they have found a job and do not want to be a burden to them to them financially. I mean, there could be several reasons. She thinks they pack their bags and kick them out. From what I have seen, kids moved out because they relocated to different states, they started their own families, they got sick of their parents nagging them all the time, and found they grew closer once they lived further away from each other.

So, what do I want to achieve living alone? I love the idea of a place I own. Or rent. But either way, it is under my name. I love being responsible – I am lazy at it because I get tired from long hours at work, but I like it. I like not having to eat home-cooked food all the time because I do not want to dedicate so much time to the kitchen. Either way, yes, I like the grown-up feeling. That is something I wanted since I was a little girl, and that is something I have lived, and never want to go back to the old theme of my life – *wanting to break away*.

So, I have made a decision. When I get home, I will let my parrots free. They stay in cages with us dictating their lives, and everybody yelling at them when they start to chirp or squeal even, I know exactly how they feel. And, I will feel good about myself when I do that. And, somewhere, somehow, they will set me free once again.

Feed Me Diamonds

5 Mar

“I don’t know your parents – it might be just stereotyping, but from what I’ve seen before , all my Muslim friends’ parents never say YES to a marriage like that :/ you know their response better than anyone.”

That was my best friend’s response to my reply that I cannot get married without my parents’ consent. Or, at least my father’s. I would very much want him to give me away. And, I really really wish there was a way that everyone could just be happy and accepting of my decision of what makes me happy.

On one hand, where my parents would love the idea that marriage is finally on my mind, they would hate I am thinking of it with someone they did not find for me. They would never give me their blessing under any circumstances, and I cannot imagine making that step of my life without their permission.

On several levels, she is right. We will never be allowed to marry anyone our parents did not introduce to us. It is their decision, which we are expected to accept and find eternal happiness in.

I call bullshit to that rule. It is not like they have to spend day and night with the partner they choose for us, they are not the ones to have to love him and lust him and care for him. They believe they know who their children are – in today’s times, no parent really knows what their child’s preferences are. To top it all, they are not even in a position to judge someone the child wants to marry.

It’s how when I tried to tell my mother about J. She asked his religion, she asked his job. And with those two questions, and nothing further, she decided he is no good to be a husband. She concluded how he can never be faithful, how he is a liar, how he is not the one for me. That was unfair. And there was just nothing else for me to say. She made that conversation all about her and I ended up apologizing and never talked about him again with her – never told her I am still seeing him either. She didn’t want to be part of that life, anyway.

How many of our life decisions do parents have to make for us? I do not want to do anything that will hurt them – they have sacrificed everything they could think of for the sake of our dreams. So, I want to return them the favour by keeping them happy. And my happiness lies in their happiness – and their happiness should lie in my happiness when it comes to decisions like marriage.

Now, they expect me to move countries, and they expect me to find work there, live there, and eventually find a man there and marry him. It’s their idea of my happiness. It is not mine. At what point are they going to get that worse comes, I will do what they want – and I will do it with no enthusiasm, I will do it by slowly dying inside.

It’s not like they are ever going to force me to consider marriage to someone they find suitable, it’s just the nagging – and the fact that all chemistry I want in a relationship I have already found. And it is not just going to develop with somebody else just like that. And, trust me, if I ever even try to have this conversation with my mother, she will get all emotional and I will be guilt-tripped into shutting up [female voice suppression 101].

And whenever I start to realize how wonderful my romantic life is, something is always around the corner to crush it. Just when I started rejoicing over the 4 extra days I got to stay here and spend it with my boyfriend and his family, and just when I thought my flight would just have to be delayed a few days again, it turns out NO!!! No flight is getting delayed, my passport arrived safe and sound, and now I can miserably start packing after the rush of endorphins as a result of emptying my bank shopping away like I hadn’t in a long time.

I have been suffering from insomnia too, lately. I barely sleep 2-4 hours and I am still wide awake early in the morning. From the little course in depression for CNA training, I learned waking up too early is a sign of depression. Okay, I am not suicidal and sulky, I’m just bitter with the fact I am losing something, and I have no set plan for my next step in life. But my parents do. They have it all perfectly planned out. Perfectly planned out to find me jobs that will barely help me pay my rent in the most expensive city in the world, and from that, they think they have given us a successful future.

No. Success is happiness. Happiness in life, in career, in love. So, why then do they insist they know best? They know best based on societal expectations, not best based on the personalities they raised.

“Or will you play a good daughter and suffer inside and out?” asked my friend.

Everything comes and goes, your family sticks around. When you have no one to turn to, your family will be there. And I know how much they mean to me, and I can’t live knowing I hurt them through impulsive arguments and decisions. So the answer to her question is, yes.

I will resent them forever. I will blame them for any obstacles I face in the course they put me on, I will become comfortable and settle into the life they chose for me, I will force myself to pretend happiness.

And that is all I can give to them – and none of it will involve marrying anyone they pick out for me. If they do want to pick out someone, he has to be a multi-millionaire who signs a pre-nup with me that if he ever so slightly gets caught cheating, I’ll be entitled to 50% of his treasure. And then send women to make him cheat on me. And with that, marry someone I actually love.

End of story. I love my parents, and that is me being a good child – because the excessive amount of control they put on my life has impaired my ability to be anything better to them.

The Battle Between ‘What-If’ and ‘So-What’

12 Oct

Sometimes, I really don’t know what I’m doing and why. It’s like, I see the end but I hang on to “what if“. I still feel torn between what I want, what I should want, and what everybody who loves me wants for me, from me. And they all want different things for me.

It makes me resistant to change. It also puts me on guilt trips and surrendering. I have tried to explain myself when I try to take a stand for myself. All in vain. I have more guilt in my conscience than pride.

My exam is in two weeks, and I can see myself needing to repeat. Just to get a better score in Math. I feel like I am surrounded by spite. It’s not just an instinct, it’s a definite. It shouldn’t bother me, and normally it doesn’t. But their spite is turning into actions against me, and here I am, trying to find a way out forever.

Different opportunities are arising from different corners of the world, but I find myself hanging on to where I am. And I don’t even know why. I hate almost everything about it.

I was left speechlessly in shock when nobody knew why I obsessively freaked out that a body lotion had urea in its ingredients, because they had never heard of the term urea.

It continously bothers me they are living sponges to everything TV tells them, but not sponge enough to absorb what’s between the lines, what it hides behind all its faces.

Ignorance of every single person makes me want to put a bullet through my head. And with how busy life is here, I feel horrible being the last one to get the news that is making headlines around the world.

I don’t want to become this person. There is so little, but at the same time so much, going on I keep losing sight of things. Maybe I’ll be ready when the real time for change will finally come along. And it’s getting close.

It would have been so simple. I just drag on with the same job to survive the next few months. Come January, I go on that reunion trip with my girls, and then back here, pack everything and return home. And await a reply from the programs I applied to. And meantime, start work there and figure it out from there.

Except now, I let people in. I let myself become somebody to someone before I could become me. Maybe it’s healthier to grow with someone to increase in compatibility, than grow up and then find someone who is hopefully compatible. So now, at this stage, I cannot eliminate him from big life decisions when he is starting to see me in his.

But the end of January next year is still hanging over our heads. With trying to live the moment, making the most of what we for sure have together, it’s all good for him because he is a one-step-at-a-time kind of person. I am more of a planner. I need to know what I am taking with me, what I’m leaving behind, so I can have less things to worry about.

I didn’t have to say or ask, he made his feelings for me clear and I know I have his word. If I am in, he’d do anything to stay with me. It’s just me, and my unsure future. I am keeping my emotions on hold till I know.

I admit, I hate to want to miss out on being appreciated and adored and loved. It has come in my life after so many years. He’s so much above all the useless guys and their useless intentions, and yeah, I shall be all girlie-girl about it and admit I love the feeling of meaning so much to someone that I actually find his cheesiness kinda cute sometimes.

In the end, I know I have one of the folowing choices to make.

1. To go back home to my family who I do miss but to a life I don’t think I can live anymore after being on my own for so many years. And move to New Zealand or Dubai from there in case I do not get in the schools here.

2. To come back here when I get in school and I am set from making any big life decisions for the next 5 years.

3. To do the hard thing and tell my parents about this boy who will convert to my religion if that is what it takes to be with me, and then figure out my career from there.

4. To mysteriously disappear when my landlords decide to use me as their ritualistic blood sacrifice. And then I won’t have anything to worry about when I’m gone.

And who would have thought… all decisions revolve around my career. I can hear those voices say I am gonna lose everything chasing a career which I might never even have, because I am leaving behind what my real meaning of life should be, what my legacy is supposed to be… (taken from the movie premier of Sinister I saw last night, which is hella scary – you should watch!) But, who is to say if I do not take a chance?

And the other voices that say I am not yet 30, I am only a woman and I should just marry into something financially stable (but which I know will be a financially stable arsehole) and then settle in a good enough career.

No, it’s not about money. When I think about it, it’s all about giving my parents the joy of seeing their children being successful and happy. I will do whatever and not complain because I am not really sure most of the time if I like something or if I hate something… most of the time I could care less about having an opinion about everything. All I know is, I just want to be happy. And at this stage where I have only hit 2 milestones of my life – high school and college graduation – I am still figuring out what really does make me happy.

Dreading

18 Aug

So I am going away for Eid. Dreading leaving my sanctuary. Dreading having company for 48 hours straight. Dreading having to converse. Dreading all the questions people will be throwing at me about my life out of curiosity. Dreading having to sit in those social gatherings smiling awkwardly at the adults because I have nothing of importance to say to them and their humour goes over my head.

Dreading having to be face to face with distant cousins who were too quick to speak shit about me.. grrr… dreading also the awkwardness of having blocked him off of Facebook. Dreading  the possibility I lose my temper and break his nose. From what they tell me, I had made him cry several times when we were kids. I wouldn’t mind being at it again.

Dreading actually not socializing with people of interest for that matter. Dreading the fact that it is Eid means everyone I could IM would be too busy with their festivities. The fun ones. The ones out of my reach. With the people I know and care about. Would it be disrespectful if I am playing Words With Friends in the middle of an Eid party?

Okay, self. Chillax. It’s once in a blue moon kind of thing and you should be able to handle that. Come Monday night, you will be comfortably tucked in your own bed in your own room which by the way, you seem to have done a good job cleaning. Just a few weeks ago, you didn’t even know how to hold a broom or a mop. Look at you now! Go ahead and rub that in the face of people who find it highly amusing watching you clean like an amateur. As for your kitchen skills, oh well, one thing at a time.

Practicing Patience

21 Jul

Work has taken up all my life. I barely have time for anything else. The most time I give to myself is sleep, and trying to look fresh and good for work. All things good and bad and fun and remorseful happen at work. But I seriously appreciate it that way. After all the hours of the day I spend in the company of people – some who make sense and some you wonder why they exist in your life – it’s a blessing coming home to an empty apartment that is just the way I left it. It’s my time away from the hustle and bustle to either just fall into bed and pass out, or to sit back and reflect.

This weekend has been eventful. I went to midnight premiere of The Dark Knight Rises and I think that was one of the best decisions I made lately. I was completely blown away. But getting home at 4 in the morning and having to be awake within the next 4 hours was not so awesome.

Starved and tired, I couldn’t fast that day. But I practiced it, testing how long I can go without food and water and my patience with the people I encountered. Most of whom caught me by surprise.

Like, this little girl when I went with my coworkers to get lunch at Domino’s. She was going all psycho outside the store with her mother trying to calm her down, and she just runs and makes her way into the restaurant, comes and falls on my knees, then well, HITS ME!!!

My reaction? Frozen in ultimate shock, until my coworkers prompted we better wait outside the store. After being quiet for the longest time, the only thing I found myself utter was “that girl is soooo possessed!!!” Well, she was being a little brat. When her mother finally brought her out and tried to make her apologize to me, all she does is make an “aaachoooo” sound, without the sneeze. The devil.

Yeah, I change my mind from hating kids to starting to find them okay to back to finding them a nuisance. I know I would have smacked my kid if it behaved in such an embarrassing way. Manners sometimes must be taught the harsh way so they learn to carry themselves properly out in the world.

As if that experience wasn’t enough with kids, we return to our store to find a little boy puking all over the floor, and the mother kind of just standing there, letting him throw up and just apologizing with a nervous smile. Yes, it took a lot of practicing patience and leaving the chaotic situation to stay calm during that.

It was probably the only time I said no to my manager to cleaning the store: “not my baby, not my mess to clean.”

Then more incidents with a new coworker with her trying to steal my sales [because I am too nice to ever just tell somebody to back off] and then even insulting me trying to be funny. I just laughed it off, but none of the guys we work with found it funny and actually all stood up in my defense, like “we got your back don’t worry.” I guess that will teach her to watch what she says to me, about me next time. It was just super sweet of them to do that for me.

And then came practicing patience with customers. Especially today, while I was fasting. Customer service can be a tough thing sometimes, where you have to be nice and all smiley when you clearly just want to break some jaws. Like the old men who come in and somehow manage to convey every dirty thought they are having about you, and you just laugh it away like “awww what a cute old man” when clearly they are not trying to be cute. And those that try to flirt instead of letting me complete my transaction with them. And those who force you to give them your number or they will not leave the store, so you end up giving them the store phone number, all the while their deluded mind doesn’t realize.

Literally. A lot of patience.

And then getting a phone call from the aunt I was living with and then one day got up and ran away from. Although it was a voicemail. I still haven’t called. I don’t know how to call back, talk past the awkwardness of the way we left things. I definitely do not want to talk about things – like I have mentioned before, confrontations and recovering after falling apart by going over the past is not my forte.

But I guess I will give a callback tomorrow, see how and where things flow. I definitely hope there is no drama – another thing that makes me super uncomfortable. I am an unreacting, emotionless person towards majority of the people in my life – except the chosen few special people. And I can’t fake anything, especially sympathy. But I guess that is the thing with blood relations… you can never end those. They are always going to come crawling back in your life even when you don’t want anything to do with them.

Or maybe I will learn to blend into what we are now? Forgive and forget? Start new? Time heals everything, right? Is it going to be worth it? Will it benefit anyone? Am I thinking, planning too much?

I don’t know. Guess I just have to be patient again and let time unfold what will become of us. Considering it’s Ramadan, holding grudges and being angry is another thing not acceptable. So I just have to look at reopening the lines of communication with her as a step towards the better person I had made up my mind to be. Let’s see where that shall take me…

Itsy Bitsy Pieces

13 Jun

I don’t believe in horoscopes, I just read them every morning, forward them to my best friend so we can “yeah right” and laugh it off.

But for the past few days, I have been finding myself able to relate, like it’s a direct message to me.

Today:

“Something in your life keeps repeating. Some sign keeps appearing to you. Some message seems to be repeatedly whispered in your ear. What is it that you are supposed to learn? You have been ignoring the wisdom the universe is trying to impart to you – probably because it requires some kind of change that you think will be awkward or upsetting. But once you spread your wings and make that change, you will experience a sense of freedom and renewal, and it will all begin to make sense. Be open to a big change.”

Yeah, I know. I’m looking at it less as “OMG HOROSCOPE!!!!” but more as a piece of advice.

Change… yeah, we can all use it at some point in life. For me, it’s like I really want it. Cuz basically, lately, I have been feeling like a machine, with a few traces of life. I have shut down, maybe. Well, I brought myself to this point. I wanted this, but I had pictured it differently.

The other day, I took an hour something trip downtown just to get this ice tea from this one cafe. And I sat there in the midst of the city life hustle, people in their business suits, all the cars rushing past, not to forget that one dude on a 10 day hunger strike. The best part was when I got up to start heading back, this whole flock of pigeons flew at me.

Well, not literally at me. They flew from the other end to go past me. But it was odd because there was no one throwing them food where I was. So, I stood there for like two minutes as they flew across, and I couldn’t help but smile.

And nah, my perfect moment for once was not ruined to become a comedy. They didn’t poop on me or around me. I could actually enjoy that instead of rolling my eyes repeating “fml fml fml”.

And then coming to work the other day, there was this adorable little puppy sitting calmly on a leash by its owner. It was looking at me so I smiled, and when I crossed it, it got up and started to follow me, all excited.

I am not a dog person but it was one of the most adorable puppies I’ve seen and those few seconds I knew it for, I felt like I would love to have a puppy of my own someday.

There is this dog I walk by everyday back and forth from work – the owner keeps him loose behind the fence and it always walks from one end to the other end of the fence with me. He seems sad, and very lonely. I have never seen the owner give any attention I guess, the 14 seconds of company we give each other everyday suffices somehow.

It’s these little things in life right now that are giving me a reason to keep pushing through. I don’t know anymore where I am heading, what tomorrow will bring, I am grateful to have what I asked for even if it came a little too twisted, but there is still comfort that I didn’t have before.

I missed my family last night. It was a sudden rush of emptiness and before I knew it was a little too late and I was there crying.

And then I had to shake myself out of that state. I asked for this. Parts of it, at least. And if my horoscope has the least bit of decency, maybe what seems like signs I keep seeing everywhere actually do navigate me in the rigjt direction.

Or it will be another horoscope app that gets uninstalled with a poor rating.

Hmmph.

One Step Closer To Unforgivable

9 May

Lately, the only thing significant about my life has been drama. Oh, how I despise it.

I mean, it’s made me have thoughts of running away, leave everything, try a fresh new start, where I don’t know anyone or anything, and can feel like a newborn. It would be nice, eh?

Sigh. Not so easy.

There’s just so much I am not even ready to leave behind. But I know the changes I want to make require just that. Eventually, someday, when pieces will start to put themselves together, and then I wouldn’t have so much please-shoot-me drama.

They have gotten me to the point I have to ask certain questions to myself:

1. Am I being ridiculously stubborn? Should I even apologize for something I didn’t do? Or for something I did that is of no direct or indirect concern to them?

2. Why are people, who unfortunately are my blood but don’t know a thing about me considering some of them haven’t seen me since I was 11, talking about me and calling me useless, unlovable, and stating no one will keep me, appreciate me, love me, marry me?!

For crying the fudge out loud!!!!!

I had been nothing but respectful towards them, I didn’t shun their opinions or advice, but calmly explained without revealing too much of the reasons why I see things differently than they do. And even to that, they called me hopeless, because I did not think like them.

I am sorry, I don’t intend to be accepted for who I am not, so yeah, you’re more than welcome to hate me for whatever illusion you have of what kind of person I am.

Not saying I am a saint. Oh, nowhere close to it. But there are aspects of my life I choose not to share because I am not seeking pity either. Great job so-called-family for telling my parents I am an out-of-control snob who only cares about myself and my happiness, who has no idea how to live in this world.

What do you know, anyways?

People gonna hate, I am gonna continue living – of course, with frustrations, outbursts of anger, but then shaking it all off the next hour.

I am seriously so frustrated with every conversation about me my aunts start ending in conversations about me being the furthest thing from wifey-material.

  • One, marriage is the last thing on my mind.
  • Two, it’s my life, I will talk about my unmarryableness, joke about it. It’s not of you to discuss so seriously.
  • Three, just because I stand my own and have certain standards I am not going to give up, I am the one who is unmarryable? Do they need to be reminded what rushing to settle with no self-respect and standards lead them into??
  • Four, I don’t even want to get married if I have to unwillingly change something about me to please someone. I don’t believe in fairytales, but I do believe in love being accepting of how the other is and loving them not just despite it, but because of it.
  • Five, if I am not getting all that, I am better off alone, chasing dreams that someday I will make happen. I am content either ways.

I am sick of these comments. And when the message is conveyed to them that I will get out of their lives, leave them in peace, they get furious. If I am that much of a fail, a disgrace, then let me go!!

I mean, what DOOOO they want!? Just to keep me in their lives, control me, tell me continuously poor-life-decision-making is all I ever do, torment me, make me miserable, then go backbite and gossip about me and increase their sin count!?

Yeah, sorry. That is not happening. Well, it can till I am out of their hair, but it won’t bother me anymore. Now I can roll my eyes, and laugh about it.

Frustrations

5 May

I’d like one day, just one day where I can be at work without being hit on by a customer, or having to listen to a comment about the way I look. Appreciate the effort, but this way I am never going to be taken seriously, and I would appreciate that for a change.

Maybe another thing frustrating me is my parents back in another part of the world can’t stop worrying about my hours. I appreciate being cared for by someone on this planet, They are forgetting this is how I always imagined my immediate post-college life to be. They don’t understand I love that feeling when I can claim myself independent, when I can live life like a grown-up. Of course, I understand my father will always see me as his little girl, my mother will always picture the worst of any scenario because that is what a mother does, and are forever going to be worried. But let me fend for myself for as far as I can. Like, just believe.

And then start their nightmares of how I could be followed by someone every night who could just be waiting for the right time to attack. Sigh. And if that wasn’t enough, comes the if anything does happen to me, I am disowned. Wow.  Just wow…