Tag Archives: future

Reflection

8 Jan

Don’t waste what little time you have got left on emotions from the past. Look ahead with the enlightment your eyes have gained, your heart has felt,and your mind has finally grasped. That is the purpose of reflection – to not just understand what happened and why, but to make sure your future is not a mirror image of your past. Use it to decide what you need to do, to hold on to, to let go off – to become what your best self could be.

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Every So Often

28 Dec

There is a life that is
dreamed of every so often.
Like a destination that will be
the answer to all the struggles.
Always caught in that vision,
a realistic fantasy.
That every so often,
here and now is forgotten,
left unappreciated.
Unrecognized remains the beauty
in the troubles that make
life what it is supposed to be…
alive.

Easy

18 Nov

It’s so easy
to pretend
isn’t it?
With the fake smiles
and all the lies,
that everything
is okay,
and you don’t have
anything to hide?
You do such a
god damn good job
at it,
no one can
fucking guess
the kinds of demons
that live within you,
teasing you
of your past,
haunting
your present,
destroying
your future.

24.

26 Apr

That is the age I will be, come tomorrow. It would have been a blast in Chicago or Lansing, but Saturday is actually the first day of the work week in Saudi Arabia and by far, the most uninteresting.

ImageI would say, to an extent, this lame quote does apply to me. Age, to me, is a number. But looking back, I know for sure who I am, where I stand, and what I want to do with my life. As sure as I can ever be. The only thing left to do is probably to establish my credibility to become that person, and I am settled thereof building a career I can see myself absolutely happy doing. So, yeah, it took about 23 years for me to figure that out after imagining myself in several other careers.

I know what my life priorities are, too. I know what each person existing in my life means to me, and the role they all play. I know what interests me, I know what I want to represent. And, I see all these doors slowly opening up for me, presenting me with opportunities I once wished for. It is as if God knew when I will be ready. And I am ready just in time, before I freaked out about the ability to round my age to the higher 5s and still being clueless.

So, that makes me happy.

What is sad is, I am in a long-distance relationship where I do not miss him and still blandly agreed to spend the rest of my life with. Sadder, even, is that I do not feel in love, and I cannot even say “I love you” in a manner that makes it sounds truthful. Hence, I shortened the 3 words to 2 words – “love you“. I think it is safer. Anything and everything and everybody can love him, eh?

Yes, I am a horrible person. And, I cannot feel guilty enough to apologize for it either. Being physically away has allows me to channel my own feelings than absorb and empathize his emotions. It is not that I am self-centered. It is just my tolerance level for crap is low. So, to say, at least the serious dating has made me realize what it is that I want and do not want out of a romantic partner/relationship at the same time. Much progress made.

Now, with the path to a me I can be proud of laid down in front of me, I am excited. And thankful to God for proving His plans for me once again. The only thing I need to still get rid of is the feeling of loneliness that falls on me on my birthdays. I hate that feeling. It has made birthdays miserable. Period.

The Battle Between ‘What-If’ and ‘So-What’

12 Oct

Sometimes, I really don’t know what I’m doing and why. It’s like, I see the end but I hang on to “what if“. I still feel torn between what I want, what I should want, and what everybody who loves me wants for me, from me. And they all want different things for me.

It makes me resistant to change. It also puts me on guilt trips and surrendering. I have tried to explain myself when I try to take a stand for myself. All in vain. I have more guilt in my conscience than pride.

My exam is in two weeks, and I can see myself needing to repeat. Just to get a better score in Math. I feel like I am surrounded by spite. It’s not just an instinct, it’s a definite. It shouldn’t bother me, and normally it doesn’t. But their spite is turning into actions against me, and here I am, trying to find a way out forever.

Different opportunities are arising from different corners of the world, but I find myself hanging on to where I am. And I don’t even know why. I hate almost everything about it.

I was left speechlessly in shock when nobody knew why I obsessively freaked out that a body lotion had urea in its ingredients, because they had never heard of the term urea.

It continously bothers me they are living sponges to everything TV tells them, but not sponge enough to absorb what’s between the lines, what it hides behind all its faces.

Ignorance of every single person makes me want to put a bullet through my head. And with how busy life is here, I feel horrible being the last one to get the news that is making headlines around the world.

I don’t want to become this person. There is so little, but at the same time so much, going on I keep losing sight of things. Maybe I’ll be ready when the real time for change will finally come along. And it’s getting close.

It would have been so simple. I just drag on with the same job to survive the next few months. Come January, I go on that reunion trip with my girls, and then back here, pack everything and return home. And await a reply from the programs I applied to. And meantime, start work there and figure it out from there.

Except now, I let people in. I let myself become somebody to someone before I could become me. Maybe it’s healthier to grow with someone to increase in compatibility, than grow up and then find someone who is hopefully compatible. So now, at this stage, I cannot eliminate him from big life decisions when he is starting to see me in his.

But the end of January next year is still hanging over our heads. With trying to live the moment, making the most of what we for sure have together, it’s all good for him because he is a one-step-at-a-time kind of person. I am more of a planner. I need to know what I am taking with me, what I’m leaving behind, so I can have less things to worry about.

I didn’t have to say or ask, he made his feelings for me clear and I know I have his word. If I am in, he’d do anything to stay with me. It’s just me, and my unsure future. I am keeping my emotions on hold till I know.

I admit, I hate to want to miss out on being appreciated and adored and loved. It has come in my life after so many years. He’s so much above all the useless guys and their useless intentions, and yeah, I shall be all girlie-girl about it and admit I love the feeling of meaning so much to someone that I actually find his cheesiness kinda cute sometimes.

In the end, I know I have one of the folowing choices to make.

1. To go back home to my family who I do miss but to a life I don’t think I can live anymore after being on my own for so many years. And move to New Zealand or Dubai from there in case I do not get in the schools here.

2. To come back here when I get in school and I am set from making any big life decisions for the next 5 years.

3. To do the hard thing and tell my parents about this boy who will convert to my religion if that is what it takes to be with me, and then figure out my career from there.

4. To mysteriously disappear when my landlords decide to use me as their ritualistic blood sacrifice. And then I won’t have anything to worry about when I’m gone.

And who would have thought… all decisions revolve around my career. I can hear those voices say I am gonna lose everything chasing a career which I might never even have, because I am leaving behind what my real meaning of life should be, what my legacy is supposed to be… (taken from the movie premier of Sinister I saw last night, which is hella scary – you should watch!) But, who is to say if I do not take a chance?

And the other voices that say I am not yet 30, I am only a woman and I should just marry into something financially stable (but which I know will be a financially stable arsehole) and then settle in a good enough career.

No, it’s not about money. When I think about it, it’s all about giving my parents the joy of seeing their children being successful and happy. I will do whatever and not complain because I am not really sure most of the time if I like something or if I hate something… most of the time I could care less about having an opinion about everything. All I know is, I just want to be happy. And at this stage where I have only hit 2 milestones of my life – high school and college graduation – I am still figuring out what really does make me happy.

Walk-Thru The In-Crowd

22 Sep

Being the silent observer was awesome. I don’t know how I let myself slip into let’s see what the in-crowd has to offer, let’s make new friends.

Worst idea of my life. Well, currently the worst idea. Not everybody life forces you to interact with regularly should be befriended. Giving people a chance is brave, they said. Giving people a chance is also stupid, they never said.

But, I should say, becoming a part allows you to learn more. Kind of, hands on. My sole purpose had become to observe human behavior and interaction. And then it took me little time to realize I was becoming a victim of their subtle attacks and gossip. And, that was my cue to leave.

And that got them worried. I sensed some concern, more curiosity, but most of all, I sensed fear. Fear from not understanding why I am not making eye contact, why I am not engaging in conversation, or laughing along to the silliness.

I have found organizational behaviour research interests just in time, I would say. I am pretty sure I can create a motivational theory by classifying them together based on similar traits. My inspiration to stick around, I guess.

So, here I am, reverting back to exclusion. For the most part. It’s like, one thing I have observed, you will be a victim of gossip despite having the lowest profile possible. There’s no escape from it.

Much progress I have made in the so many days I have been missing from here. Besides the return to high school life, I am only growing in other areas of my life. I am surprised how easily a relationship fell in line without it being loads of work like I thought it would be. Or it’s just the person he is, easy to be with. He was a real good sport when I dragged him to see one of my favourite DJs perform this week.

EDM, oh how I love. It made me miss my friends in college soooo much. We’re planning a getaway in January, and I cannot wait to be reunited with them. It’s been forever, and the year has flown by so much faster. I am kind of really scared being blank as to what I will be doing for 6 of the months before I start school. I love my parents and I miss Saudi Arabia, but I don’t want to return from taking care of myself and my life to becoming a burden they cannot wait to marry off, in the suicidally horrible event of being rejected from the graduate programs I am dying to get into.

Uh yeah, no. This is all I can see, and this is all that I want. Future work out how I want it to. InchAllah, inchAllah, inchAllah :/

Dreams Of A Vagabond

24 Aug

Europe does not sound so bad. I see the opportunity of learning a new language. And, well, it’s pretty nice out there, in terms of what nature has to offer. Also, free Masters and PhD programs in several countries. Something very important to take advantage of.

New Zealand again looks like an extremely beautiful opportunity. I don’t think there can ever be a dull moment if you are surrounded by the green and blue of nature everywhere you go.

I really wouldn’t mind getting out of here when I think about it. Detachment and seclusion from everybody has made the world a lot bigger. So far away from everybody too involved in my life, I don’t know why it seems like it could be a perfect fresh new start. Also, I probably wouldn’t get teased for sounding too British sometimes. Of all the countries I have been to, it’s just sad to admit I haven’t experienced ignorance at heights that I have here.

I would take the leap, God willing and finances permitting. I have about 6 more months to save up and make a final decision. See, I seriously do not even go shopping – you become like that when you limit yourself to home and work. I am reduced to bills and groceries and charity, and I do not mind that. Surprisingly. I question sometimes if I am a girl now that my Diva-ish days feel so far behind o.O

Oh well, like a good girl, I shall discuss this with my parents. They would probably be more than happy I am finally considering leaving. I would, however, would love to visit Six Flags and New York and Disneyland before I leave. I mean, I just have to. I am supposed to go to New York next month to visit my friend, but it seems like everybody at work wants a vacation same time and I do not get paid time off yet. Bummer. Or probably the month after I guess then. If my friend’s stay there extends. Or we could just take an awesome road trip – one of my favourite things in the world! =)

Oh well, I know life will figure itself out, as long as I keep looking for the right direction to move towards. And maybe someday in the future, I will be able to write a detailed account of my real experiences through the 5 something years I have been here. Or maybe I won’t. I really don’t feel comfortable turning back pages to a previous chapter in my life. If anything, stay on the same page if I am not moving ahead.

So let’s hope these late night feelings towards an intended future don’t change when the sun comes up. Lately that hasn’t been happening. But you never know when that will come back =\

Wedding Bells? No, Thank You.

7 Jul

So I guess enough time has passed and I will reveal the psychic reading I got earlier this week. Nothing she said about the future seemed like wow. It was the pretty basic you-will-marry-your-soulmate-and-will-be-very-happy-and-there-will-be-no-separation-ever. Thank you for being so general. A time would have been a much better detail, like will I be 25? 35? Or, 45? Considering the rate at which I am progressing in that area of my life?

If it was up to my mum, I’d actually be married tomorrow. Few days back, agaiiin, she was at it with having people with their eyes open for “nice guys” and going on to make suitor recommendations from her distant side of the family. Like, no, thank you mum. Your daughter shall only freak away everyone you plan on introducing her to.

So I tell her marriage is not my priority, and I am determined to try to get into a good phd program, to which her reply was a “by the time you are done with that, you will be 28 or 29. Who would want to marry you then?”

Ouch. Thank you for the support. But I am pretty sure I’d still be young, fresh meat for a dying old rich man with a huge estate and a will that would leave everything he could ever own to me… maybe. Who would NOT want to marry me then???

Oh the drama that started again with the whole marriage thing. It’s like there is something they aren’t telling me, as to why they are so eager, so desperate to just throw me off that they were like if I meet someone, I can have a small ass wedding ceremony, which they didn’t even seem to care enough to attend. What did they say? “We’ll send the money for your wedding.”

Wow. Wow. WOW!!!!! They didn’t tour my university before I moved there, they didn’t attend my graduation, now they don’t even seem to plan on attending a wedding that they want for me!??!

Sigh.

Probably what bugs mum is that people have said way too many times no one will marry me or keep me, I am too much of a brat to make anyone but myself happy and I know of no sacrifice or compromise. Probably the news of me actually exchanging wedding vows would let her be like, “seeeeeee!!!!”

But still. Doesn’t help my non-existent confidence in myself when I am suggestively being tossed around for wifey-material-evaluation to a suitor and his family.

I mean, I sort of understand when she says she wants me married off in a good age, cuz the older I get, less likely I will find a decent husband. But, it doesn’t give my heart a freaking break.

And now, my college girls will be visiting me next weekend, for which I am uber excited. But, both are now in healthy relationships with real sweet guys and I am honestly happy for them. But I know what they will tell me.

One would be like “you will find someone too”. Aww jee, thank you.

The other, as she has always done, would criticize my choices and steps I take, and basically go over everything I do wrong and brainstorm why guys don’t want me for me. End result would be me just wanting to get drunk till I pass out cuz they would have successfully slapped reality in my face by twisting it.

Or I’d shove what the psychic told me in their faces. “Yo! I am on the road to awesome ever after..” and hopefully they will see it happen in their life time, when their kids and the kids of all the guys in my past are getting married too.

Yup. Hello there again, single girl problems. I hope the reunion and boy talk don’t make me want to get pathetically shit-faced again -__-

[Or I could always invent a boyfriend to avoid an intervention. Tadaaaa! Now you’re talking Sabrina, now you’re talking!!]

Gradual Improvements

28 Jun

I don’t like summer. I don’t like the sun. I can’t stand the heat, I definitely despise myself after a few minutes in direct sunlight.

I noticed the difference today – the skin on my outer hand is well over 5 shades darker than the skin on my inner arm [you know, the part under the palm. I am not the sharpest in naming body parts deal with it]. It’s kind of even obvious on my face and I can barely stand myself at this point.

So well, I decided to go ahead spend the leftover of my last paycheck on off-the-shelf skincare. Which involved lemons, lemon juice, and honey. I wasn’t able to find a few other things I needed to make different masks in any of the stores I went to. But I treated myself with all of that tonight, even did my eyebrows cuz they were another reason I couldn’t stand to look at myself. I think I can already see the lemon juice and honey results. Probably just half a shade, but it’s seriously improving.

It is likely to change when I go out in the sun again tomorrow. I can avoid the 23 minute walk and take the bus, but in attempts of being generous to my skin, I wouldn’t be doing justice to my body. About the only exercise I get time for is the walk from home to the train station, and from the next stop to work. Just like tanning salons exist at almost every corner, I wish anti-tan salons existed too. I mean, WHY NOT?! How far behind is your science and technology to care a little about brown-skinned people like myself who tan faster than anybody else against their will?!

Sighs. I have issues with my appearance if it wasn’t clear already.

The only time I appreciate the sun is when it’s negative Celsius weather and when it’s raining for the mere sake of spotting a rainbow. Yeah, I don’t care about beaches unless it’s between dusk and dawn. I would rather go shopping and to amusements parks at night [like everyone does in Saudi Arabia and probably other Middle Eastern countries too] just to avoid burning into charcoal or melting or dehydrating for that matter. Sometimes, I really do wish shopping centers and restaurants in Chicago knew a thing or two about staying open late, at least till 11PM, considering there is no sunset until sometime around 8PM.

I now smell like honey all over. This is not the smartest move either, since all day, I have been running and shooing away something that looks like a honeybee as it kept flying around in my apartment. In the whole battle, I managed to pull down the curtains and have failed to put them up properly – they can fall again anytime.

I could most likely get stung if the bee is still around, hiding, waiting. I need to shower again.

But, on a brighter note, I am moving on with my life and about to go ahead register for GMAT, once I am a week or two into preparing for it and being a 100% sure I can pass that stuff. Looking into taking it end of July or mid August, depending on when and what I hear back from the programs I am trying to apply for. And depending on how much I have after paying off rent and some of my loans.

I can do this.

I need to repeat these 4 words to myself a lot more often so I start to believe it. So I can start the journey towards being more than enough than being stuck on never enough.

The Right Time vs The Right Person

11 Jun

“The older you get, the harder it is to find someone you can truly love. Cuz you have grown into who you were going to be, and then there is no room to give yourself a chance to grow with someone.”

Or along those lines is what my friend told me last night. And yes, it came from a guy. Not a girl. And he really got me thinking when he asked, “if you’re promised you will find the one you are looking for if you go on a thousand dates, would you do it?”

That is because I initially refused to want to date several people; I wanted to date one. But according to him, sitting on my arse waiting for love to come knocking on my door isn’t anywhere near realistic.

I know. I have a friend who is out there, dating and dating, searching and searching. She is definitely closer to finding her perfect someone. Even though every guy is the one, she is on the right – maybe a little bumpy – road to a happy future.

I, on the other hand, I have avoided relationships. Sometimes, very aware. Sometimes, purely subconsciously. And the conversation brought light to it. Through university, I knew I wasn’t going to stay in the city, or in the state for that matter. I knew I was leaving, I refused to try to emotionally connect with someone for that reason.

And since I have been out here, I have kind of done the same thing. I have let myself avoid guys who wanted something real, even when I said I wanted something real. I always continuously felt there is something more, another milestone I need to reach, before I can start looking. It used to be really easy to keep my heart on lock, until I realized I had started to let my walls down way too fast, way too soon. Probably at the worst time, or at a place I knew very well would be labelled Fail.

What this friend said and implied was, if he meets the girl who is everything he had been searching for in ‘the one’, time and place won’t stand in the way. It’s the person he would want beside him when he is on his death bed looking back at his life, not the career he built or the status he earned.

Realistic, with a tint of hopeless romantic.

I know what he means. I can’t say I don’t want that. And I also can’t deny I find myself nervous about wanting to take that step. Since everytime I prepared myself, it was only a matter of time I got crushed, or made a total fool of myself and then got crushed.

There is a song by Pakistani singer, Bilal Khan, where he talks about him being the only one who can fight his loneliness, if he would get up and go get the one, instead of waiting, wondering. Just fyi, his lyrics are beautiful. Some of it I don’t understand, but what I do get, I find there to be a lot of emotion in every word he sings.

Anyhoos. Basically, this is a discussion with myself. I know when I am able to open up to someone, and I know when I will never be able to tell them anything. And I know when I am not able to, that person has no important placement in my life, and I can’t even give myself a second try to open up to them.

And what else? I want to be understood. I want to be admired for who I am, and I want to be accepted for things about me I can’t change without turning back time.

Considering I have accepted every person in my life the way they are and never attempted to change them, all I know is when I am able to get that back from someone and be loved, that would be the one I would go ahead take the leap with. Whether we fly, or we fall to the ground.

I do believe when the person is right, there isn’t a thing like the right time. Every fight you put up for them is justified. Now, all that remains is, when the time comes, when a person accepts me the way I am, would I really be able to believe him… or would I run away telling myself it’s just bad timing??

I will end with what he ended our conversation with:

The hardest thing to do is usually the right thing to do.