Gossip

Their sounds echo through the atmosphere
Saying how he was such a nice guy
How I was lucky to have him
But they knew nothing of the tears he formed in my eyes every night

The noises slipped out of their mouths
Saying how she was so sweet and so beautiful
And how you were lucky to have her
But they knew nothing of the fears she planted inside of you

Their tongues still continue to chatter
Saying you are a waste of my time
Saying I cannot make you happy
But they know nothing of what love is
How we stitch the other up
They know nothing of how twisted perfection can really be.

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The Sweetest Ever

The moment at work every one is talking about how sweet our coworker is, with no knowledge I am dating him. Lol. Well, at least, they all approve of him 🙂

Walk-Thru The In-Crowd

Being the silent observer was awesome. I don’t know how I let myself slip into let’s see what the in-crowd has to offer, let’s make new friends.

Worst idea of my life. Well, currently the worst idea. Not everybody life forces you to interact with regularly should be befriended. Giving people a chance is brave, they said. Giving people a chance is also stupid, they never said.

But, I should say, becoming a part allows you to learn more. Kind of, hands on. My sole purpose had become to observe human behavior and interaction. And then it took me little time to realize I was becoming a victim of their subtle attacks and gossip. And, that was my cue to leave.

And that got them worried. I sensed some concern, more curiosity, but most of all, I sensed fear. Fear from not understanding why I am not making eye contact, why I am not engaging in conversation, or laughing along to the silliness.

I have found organizational behaviour research interests just in time, I would say. I am pretty sure I can create a motivational theory by classifying them together based on similar traits. My inspiration to stick around, I guess.

So, here I am, reverting back to exclusion. For the most part. It’s like, one thing I have observed, you will be a victim of gossip despite having the lowest profile possible. There’s no escape from it.

Much progress I have made in the so many days I have been missing from here. Besides the return to high school life, I am only growing in other areas of my life. I am surprised how easily a relationship fell in line without it being loads of work like I thought it would be. Or it’s just the person he is, easy to be with. He was a real good sport when I dragged him to see one of my favourite DJs perform this week.

EDM, oh how I love. It made me miss my friends in college soooo much. We’re planning a getaway in January, and I cannot wait to be reunited with them. It’s been forever, and the year has flown by so much faster. I am kind of really scared being blank as to what I will be doing for 6 of the months before I start school. I love my parents and I miss Saudi Arabia, but I don’t want to return from taking care of myself and my life to becoming a burden they cannot wait to marry off, in the suicidally horrible event of being rejected from the graduate programs I am dying to get into.

Uh yeah, no. This is all I can see, and this is all that I want. Future work out how I want it to. InchAllah, inchAllah, inchAllah

The Humour Of Dating 2012

Wake up from an awesome nap after couple of errands of survival shopping, check Twitter trends, and burst out laughing.

• lies men tell women
• don’t trust a guy
• don’t go for a guy

How in tune could the people of the world be with my mind? Scary.

Just last night, I skyped for an hour with my college best friend, catching up, and basically for the most part, rolling our eyes and laughing about our dating life.

It’s like the two of us are stuck in scene 2 of a chick flick, with scene 1 obviously being the introduction of a young woman. And scene 2 being the arrival of a man [or two or four even] who makes the woman want to bang her head into a wall screaming “are you fudging kidding me??”

My friend and I, we both moved out to different states after college, much bigger cities, and in the 6 months we have been out, we have seen and felt no considerable change in that aspect of life. So we can’t even reassure each other with “life will be better where I am, so just come live with me.”

It’s like we have seen each and every single trick in the book, gone through every type of dude-personality, and we still end up on Skype with chocolates and ice-cream and wine and tea, going over our experiences with each guy, and laughing hysterically that no matter where you find him, no matter what stage of his life you find him at, no matter how he talks or what he believes, no matter how many years you have known him or how well, there is no such thing as different.

We laughed as we tried to analyze ourselves and why we always end up as the rebound chick or the unaware home-wrecker. What’s even funnier is that the two of us are very different type of girls.

She is the sweet, trusting girl, seeking her tall, dark and handsome Prince Charming all the time to have her happily ever after with. Possibly with all the good looks and a big bank and an awesome career. She is too honest and open about her feelings, sometimes too blunt, mostly a damsel in distress, wanting to be swept away. And losing her heart to the littlest act of kindness from a man, because well, it is assumed if he is nice once he must be someone exceptional.

I am more on the skeptical side, with a that-don’t-impress-me type of attitude, icebox for a heart sometimes, barely ever open up about what I feel if I feel anything at all, way too independent emotionally and mentally to ever give a man the satisfaction of being needed. I be damned if I can’t do it all by myself. No Charming for me, I want a Shrek who would go through all hurdles, if need EVER be, to rescue me like a proper freaking hero should, and stop at nothing.

And even while we go through life travelling on opposite ends of the spectrum, we run into one and the same thing. Okay, so it’s not like we avoided travelling in the middle either. And yet, they all wanted the same thing. But I absolutely adore the way my friend tells her stories and how she goes into describing each and every detail of the situation. I love how she put it though – whether he’s gorgeous or ugly, super smart or a total airhead, millionaire or broke as hell, a saint or the devil himself, their expectations are all the same. At least when it comes to us.

But in this time and age, like Lilly Allen sings, you cannot expect anything else either. You just have to remember the story of your life isn’t over as of yet. Even when you’re 30. Society can say what they want. It is the reason people exist – to comment and criticize you about everything.

To me, I know it would make no difference since I have a plan for whatever direction my life is going to go towards. A plan for what to do if I end up rich or poor, a plan for what to do if I end up staying in this country or moving to another, a plan if I am in a steady relationship or all by myself, a plan if I marry the perfect guy or an asshole I have to get rid of – I am pretty much set.

If I am at all worried, it is for people like my friend who could possibly become too bitter when reality hits them and their innocence is gone. I mean, it shouldn’t be too bad. It’ll be another reason to have a party over Skype, maybe with patron instead of wine. Lol.

One Step Closer To Unforgivable

Lately, the only thing significant about my life has been drama. Oh, how I despise it.

I mean, it’s made me have thoughts of running away, leave everything, try a fresh new start, where I don’t know anyone or anything, and can feel like a newborn. It would be nice, eh?

Sigh. Not so easy.

There’s just so much I am not even ready to leave behind. But I know the changes I want to make require just that. Eventually, someday, when pieces will start to put themselves together, and then I wouldn’t have so much please-shoot-me drama.

They have gotten me to the point I have to ask certain questions to myself:

1. Am I being ridiculously stubborn? Should I even apologize for something I didn’t do? Or for something I did that is of no direct or indirect concern to them?

2. Why are people, who unfortunately are my blood but don’t know a thing about me considering some of them haven’t seen me since I was 11, talking about me and calling me useless, unlovable, and stating no one will keep me, appreciate me, love me, marry me?!

For crying the fudge out loud!!!!!

I had been nothing but respectful towards them, I didn’t shun their opinions or advice, but calmly explained without revealing too much of the reasons why I see things differently than they do. And even to that, they called me hopeless, because I did not think like them.

I am sorry, I don’t intend to be accepted for who I am not, so yeah, you’re more than welcome to hate me for whatever illusion you have of what kind of person I am.

Not saying I am a saint. Oh, nowhere close to it. But there are aspects of my life I choose not to share because I am not seeking pity either. Great job so-called-family for telling my parents I am an out-of-control snob who only cares about myself and my happiness, who has no idea how to live in this world.

What do you know, anyways?

People gonna hate, I am gonna continue living – of course, with frustrations, outbursts of anger, but then shaking it all off the next hour.

I am seriously so frustrated with every conversation about me my aunts start ending in conversations about me being the furthest thing from wifey-material.

• One, marriage is the last thing on my mind.
• Two, it’s my life, I will talk about my unmarryableness, joke about it. It’s not of you to discuss so seriously.
• Three, just because I stand my own and have certain standards I am not going to give up, I am the one who is unmarryable? Do they need to be reminded what rushing to settle with no self-respect and standards lead them into??
• Four, I don’t even want to get married if I have to unwillingly change something about me to please someone. I don’t believe in fairytales, but I do believe in love being accepting of how the other is and loving them not just despite it, but because of it.
• Five, if I am not getting all that, I am better off alone, chasing dreams that someday I will make happen. I am content either ways.

I am sick of these comments. And when the message is conveyed to them that I will get out of their lives, leave them in peace, they get furious. If I am that much of a fail, a disgrace, then let me go!!

I mean, what DOOOO they want!? Just to keep me in their lives, control me, tell me continuously poor-life-decision-making is all I ever do, torment me, make me miserable, then go backbite and gossip about me and increase their sin count!?

Yeah, sorry. That is not happening. Well, it can till I am out of their hair, but it won’t bother me anymore. Now I can roll my eyes, and laugh about it.

It’s Been A While

Blogging again. From work. Bad idea. But I swear it couldn’t get any slower than it is right now, so why not?

I been gone for long I feel. Waiting for something to happen in my life that is worthwhile, but yet again, only drama finds me.

My “peace and harmony” techno anthem keeps getting disrupted. It’s like there isn’t enough I can do to vent out how drastically my life travels through highs and lows.

On one hand, some aspects of my life start working out, looking good. On the other, I can feel witch nails tearing down what I am trying to build, very much uselessly.

What does this drama involve? Family. Extended family. The ones who never gave crap about my existence, and now suddenly I’m in spotlight for nothing I have done. People need a reason to gossip, and I would ignore it if it only concerned me, but when it involves people who mean the world to me… That’s that.

I don’t know, I can’t pretend to be somebody I am not, it’s just not me. If you can’t accept me, cut me out. I’ve never needed anyone, I will never need anyone. Especially people who won’t listen and just blabber on, passing judgements like they are so wise they can just read me.

And that now applies to these people I once called family. My problem has been I’ve stayed silent when I probably should have spoken up, and now, well, I kind of really have nothing to do with this family. The extended that is. As quick as people become a part of my life, even quicker I erase them.

And probably this blog entry makes no sense cuz I’ve taken several breaks from it to attend to customers, but bottom line, family the kind I have been thrown into recently equals nothing but drama and gossip and talking smack to feel superior themselves. I shouldn’t even let it get to me like this, but the way it was put out to me, mehh.

I am angry basically. I hate drama oh so much but guess it loves me. Things are going to change from now though… Just a few more weeks to my birthday and this one is going to be a new beginning.