Tag Archives: happiness


12 Aug

Happiness is sometimes a difficult emotion to put into words, because it can be so hard to understand. Maybe this is what makes one so hesitant towards feeling it – it’s rare, it’s extraordinary. It may even be blind – somewhat selfish – for it can exist without guilt. It makes others frown upon those who have found it, because it is so enviable at the same time. But it’s a gift, that knocks on everyone’s door, many still confused about its actuality to begin to let it in.


Birth A Devil

24 Jul

I still see you, living your mundane routine, never able to see me. I watch you as no burden is too heavy for you anymore, And despite that hollow pit in my stomach, I smile – because I taught you how to curve up your mouth again. I taught you how to face your fears and I taught you the art of slaying your demons. I taught you how to find happiness, which eventually drove you away from me. Your happiness cost me mine, and has birthed a devil inside me that wishes to take it all away from you, just so you would return to where you have always felt your safest.

Feed Me Diamonds

5 Mar

“I don’t know your parents – it might be just stereotyping, but from what I’ve seen before , all my Muslim friends’ parents never say YES to a marriage like that :/ you know their response better than anyone.”

That was my best friend’s response to my reply that I cannot get married without my parents’ consent. Or, at least my father’s. I would very much want him to give me away. And, I really really wish there was a way that everyone could just be happy and accepting of my decision of what makes me happy.

On one hand, where my parents would love the idea that marriage is finally on my mind, they would hate I am thinking of it with someone they did not find for me. They would never give me their blessing under any circumstances, and I cannot imagine making that step of my life without their permission.

On several levels, she is right. We will never be allowed to marry anyone our parents did not introduce to us. It is their decision, which we are expected to accept and find eternal happiness in.

I call bullshit to that rule. It is not like they have to spend day and night with the partner they choose for us, they are not the ones to have to love him and lust him and care for him. They believe they know who their children are – in today’s times, no parent really knows what their child’s preferences are. To top it all, they are not even in a position to judge someone the child wants to marry.

It’s how when I tried to tell my mother about J. She asked his religion, she asked his job. And with those two questions, and nothing further, she decided he is no good to be a husband. She concluded how he can never be faithful, how he is a liar, how he is not the one for me. That was unfair. And there was just nothing else for me to say. She made that conversation all about her and I ended up apologizing and never talked about him again with her – never told her I am still seeing him either. She didn’t want to be part of that life, anyway.

How many of our life decisions do parents have to make for us? I do not want to do anything that will hurt them – they have sacrificed everything they could think of for the sake of our dreams. So, I want to return them the favour by keeping them happy. And my happiness lies in their happiness – and their happiness should lie in my happiness when it comes to decisions like marriage.

Now, they expect me to move countries, and they expect me to find work there, live there, and eventually find a man there and marry him. It’s their idea of my happiness. It is not mine. At what point are they going to get that worse comes, I will do what they want – and I will do it with no enthusiasm, I will do it by slowly dying inside.

It’s not like they are ever going to force me to consider marriage to someone they find suitable, it’s just the nagging – and the fact that all chemistry I want in a relationship I have already found. And it is not just going to develop with somebody else just like that. And, trust me, if I ever even try to have this conversation with my mother, she will get all emotional and I will be guilt-tripped into shutting up [female voice suppression 101].

And whenever I start to realize how wonderful my romantic life is, something is always around the corner to crush it. Just when I started rejoicing over the 4 extra days I got to stay here and spend it with my boyfriend and his family, and just when I thought my flight would just have to be delayed a few days again, it turns out NO!!! No flight is getting delayed, my passport arrived safe and sound, and now I can miserably start packing after the rush of endorphins as a result of emptying my bank shopping away like I hadn’t in a long time.

I have been suffering from insomnia too, lately. I barely sleep 2-4 hours and I am still wide awake early in the morning. From the little course in depression for CNA training, I learned waking up too early is a sign of depression. Okay, I am not suicidal and sulky, I’m just bitter with the fact I am losing something, and I have no set plan for my next step in life. But my parents do. They have it all perfectly planned out. Perfectly planned out to find me jobs that will barely help me pay my rent in the most expensive city in the world, and from that, they think they have given us a successful future.

No. Success is happiness. Happiness in life, in career, in love. So, why then do they insist they know best? They know best based on societal expectations, not best based on the personalities they raised.

“Or will you play a good daughter and suffer inside and out?” asked my friend.

Everything comes and goes, your family sticks around. When you have no one to turn to, your family will be there. And I know how much they mean to me, and I can’t live knowing I hurt them through impulsive arguments and decisions. So the answer to her question is, yes.

I will resent them forever. I will blame them for any obstacles I face in the course they put me on, I will become comfortable and settle into the life they chose for me, I will force myself to pretend happiness.

And that is all I can give to them – and none of it will involve marrying anyone they pick out for me. If they do want to pick out someone, he has to be a multi-millionaire who signs a pre-nup with me that if he ever so slightly gets caught cheating, I’ll be entitled to 50% of his treasure. And then send women to make him cheat on me. And with that, marry someone I actually love.

End of story. I love my parents, and that is me being a good child – because the excessive amount of control they put on my life has impaired my ability to be anything better to them.

Cuz Women Don’t Matter

24 Oct

You know the moment when you’re so furious you feel yourself tremble, trying to contain the blood boil? Yeah, that’s me at this moment. Having a boring day at work, and I decided to flip through news headlines on my phone, and I don’t know if I regret going through it, or am glad I actually did so I learn. So I am going to go ahead and aplogize in advance for all typos if they do happen.

I know I am a feminist, but for a quite simple reason. I am not going to sit back and accept whatever violence towards or ridiculous assumptions about women are taking place. First, I read about the second Pakistani girl, an education rights advocate, and 17 at that, who is receiving death threats. The teacher who was shot down for supporting these girls. And of course, the hospitalized 14 year old.

I don’t even know where to begin and where to end about it. Who really needs education in Pakistan and Afghanistan are the men who kill these women in the name of Islam, in the name of honour killing. And, they need to be educated about their own religion to begin with. For one, Islam does not recognize honour killing. Second, Islam has ordered all men and ALL WOMEN to seek all the education they are capable of. And to travel to the other side of the world if need be for the sole purpose of education. I mean, how big of a roadblock do they have installed in their brains to get this simple message across?

Then, I read about the pay gaps that are still very consisently existing in today’s society and that enraged me even more. I mean, I know. I am living it. I can see what I am making for the degree I have, and the job I am working too. And by the looks of it, it isn’t going to get any better. I observe the ratio of praised men and praised women. And, they still think it is funny.

Can you explain why you are paying women less? Because you cannot rely on them because they get pregnant? Well, then control your own ejaculation-provoking hormones and stop getting them pregnant. Oh well, this means men definitely don’t care they just had a son or a daughter and have no interest in raising their newborns.

Then of course, came the support for violence towards women. Prove you’re raped, or your benfits will decrease. So I assume the ones who passed the bill have previously assaulted a woman in their younger – or even current – years and think it is still fun and very much an irrelevant concern when the ECONOMY IS IN SO-CALLED DUMP!!!

Oh, I just had to save the best for the last. So guess what? Now they say hormones, what stage a woman is on her menstural cycle, determines who they are going to vote for. Oh, and amazingly, too, single and childless women are more likely to vote differently than married women. Just because, you know, they are more depressed.

Not that I am interested much in politics, except when I find every reason I should hate it because of how it tends to be as ridiculous as airing a reality show like Jersey Shore, but when it comes to generalizing voting habits according to race, gender, social status, and other stuff, I have a serious tendency to become speechlessly furious. I mean, seriously?

Since there is not much to research on, let’s just throw a mainstream stereotypical view of women and somehow get it to be credible, just because. I don’t know if the hysteria treatment for women in the past is worse than these conclusions. Give a woman an orgasm, and she will calm down?

What about doing the same for men? Because they are so violent and have raging hormones? Why don’t they get masturbated in doctors’ offices with a mechanical hand? Just to calm them down? Or for the same purpose it was done so to women – to undermine them, to prove that hormones control a woman’s thoughts and actions?!?!?!

And, what’s even worse, so many women who will read this will be like “oh, so I guess I was my sexiest when I casted my vote for Obama!” There are so many objectifying, degrading generalizations about women out there thanks to centuries of suppression of women that I wonder how effective would a wisdom revolution now really be.

I am a woman. I am the same amount of happy single or in a relationship. My sense of feeling sexy comes from feeling confident which comes from how successful I feel each day of my life. I know childless women who are extremely happy, and I know women with children who are depressed out to the max. Being single, being married, having a child, not having a child, no matter what the age, will never have any happy/sad effect on me.

So to the men of this world: instead of coming up with chauvinist conclusions about women based on data collected from researching soap-opera-watching-women-who-lack-a-mind-of-their-own, go do something more productive with your lives. Like you know, grow up!!! Stop being the person who has nothing special about him so has to undermine others to feel superior. Jerks.

A Purpose Fulfilled

14 Aug

If there was one thing I always wanted from people, it would be the feeling of being genuinely appreciated. For whatever reason. Maybe because making a difference in whatever way I could has always meant so much to me, but I never really tried to. I just did what I felt like I needed to do in any given situation.

Today, one of my best friends randomly decided to tell me exactly how much of a difference I made, and I was just basically too stunned to even have anything to say back to him. Even though it was just a text, even though I was never physically present by his side through any of it, I felt so overwhelmed in that moment he expressed his gratitude I almost cried o.O

Yes, yes.. the few seconds of a superhuman feeling.. well, it meant a lot to me. It’s just that in that moment, I felt like I am actually doing something worthwhile than just trying to survive myself. Being recognized, understood, and appreciated is probably everything I need to be happy with my life and where I stand. I never just wanted to be born, get educated, start work, start a family, and then silently pass away. I wanted to make an impact, small or big – big enough for somebody.

I feel like I have fulfilled an important purpose, and from now on, in times that I start to feel utterly useless and rejected, I will know what I meant to somebody at some point, and everything is going to be okay then.

I’m happy. =)


Everything’s Gonna Be Fine, Fine, Fine

25 Jul

Starters -> no, I am not a Morissette fan.

But last night, I just happened to lay back and reflect where I am standing in life right now, and this song randomly starts playing in my head and I couldn’t help but smile.

I am broke like anything. I’m continuously being teased about my height – most of it is friendly teasing – I hope so at least. I am young, and I am way underpaid for what my mind and determination are worth.

But I am still always smiling, absorbing happiness from little things around me, genuinely helping my customers for no extra cost, and feeling on top of the world when they thank me with all their heart for being so patient and understanding towards them.

I realize I have mastered the art of patience. Minus when I am not being understood – I boil up really fast there trying to get my point across. But I am a lot calmer now about it than I was before.

There was a time when I couldn’t deal with elders without rolling my eyes. Now, I am more than willing to help and actually enjoy showing them how to operate their new phones and teaching them little tricks as well. They come back, they remember me, and they look for me to help them with what they want. I guess I couldn’t ask for more – being appreciated makes up for barely making enough to survive.

I am not settling yet, though. I did go seek out better opportunities. I met with another employer who I impressed in an instant, and got offered a much better pay and post in stage 1 of a three-stage interview process. But the only obstacle was the fact I don’t have a car. And it was enough to not being able to accept the opportunity. Bummer.

So, I do thank God for giving me the strength and patience to be happy in life despite where I stand in life. I have a plan, I am pursuing it, and if it is the right thing for me, I know it will happen. I am a chameleon, I’ll blend into whatever path I am being made to walk down on.

In the meantime, there’s no better way to describe me and my life than this song =)

Firework Overtime

5 Jul

I saw fireworks for the first time in my life. Apart from the mini firecrackers I played with as a child, witnessing what I did tonight was so breathtaking that I didn’t want it to end. Yeah, I ventured out alone into the city, mainly because I knew I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy it in company of others. I had the Seek Bromance station playing on my Pandora, and watching the fireworks to the several carefree lyrics, I found exactly what I set out to seek – Pure Joy.


I could still hear the fireworks till sometime around midnight – they have been going off around the whole city for the past few days!! You could see them from anywhere, even from my bedroom window!! I felt like a little girl all day long so excited and then totally overwhelmed watching all the colors bursting into the sky. For some reason, in that moment, I felt like I am in love with the city, and I don’t ever want to leave. I felt happiness, a sense of inner peace, and motivated towards a future brighter than I could ever imagine. I want to be able to come out to the harbor any day of the week, and just sit and watch the Navy Pier fireworks from a distance all summer long.

I guess I react in such a get-over-it-already way is because it was my first time. And with the family drama that I dealt with for a while earlier in the day, this was like a sweet escape. So, I guess, you just have to deal with it.

Always Happy?

4 Jul

So a friend of mine randomly messages me today: “pray for me when you are happy and since you are always happy always pray for me :)”

It was kind of really sweet of him to say that. But always happy? It’s not like he has ever met me. He follows my every single tweet on twitter, and most likely sums me up from it.

But always happy… That is what almost everyone says to me. They say whenever they would look at me, I would always be smiling, or if they aren’t looking at me, they’d always hear me giggling about one thing or the other.

Well, I guess I do tend to do that. Even when I am breaking, I manage to just not let things get to me. There’s something funny about every misery when you observe your life from someone else’s point of view. So despite everything I lose and gain on the daily, I have no complaints, I don’t get bored, I don’t feel anything close to miserable.

Not going to lie, I do get depressed sometimes. But instead of dwell in it, I always find myself making every attempt to distract my mind, even if that meant I sometimes needed to hang onto someone to get out of the black hole.

I keep things to myself, mostly. And when I do let it out, I let it out in a manner that makes it seem like I could care less about what I am going through.

I can’t remember myself this way back in high school; actually, I don’t even know when I turned into a person who doesn’t mind being teased by every friend and every colleague, when I became too perky for people who are carrying way too much unnecessary baggage.

Maybe I just accepted I can’t change any past of mine, and I might as well throw away the baggage since it won’t do anything worthwhile for my present or my future. Guess that is why I am able to smile like a newborn, who doesn’t know of any evil, any sorrow or any deception.

Until life smacks me in the face, but I deal with it and go back to myself. That’s where I know, though, for every hardship I go through and come out of, I just appear several degrees happier to people around me than I was before.

My coworkers say reality hasn’t hit me in the face. When it does, I will become bitter and angry and that is when I will grow up. Well, if that is what mature means, maybe I don’t want to grow up. If depression is what grown ups choose to live with, I am sorry, you might as well kill yourself now.

I am not the most pious person; I am a sinner if anything at all. But I believe life is nothing but a precious gift from God, and it is our job as His believers to not question it, but simply accept it, live it to the fullest, and fight to make it happy. He took a lot of time and care into designing our destiny, and if the best we can plan is to just stay stuck and wait for our end, we are an extremely pathetic lot. We have not learned anything from any of the tests God has put us through. We have failed, and we can now miss out on the rewards He was reserving for us.

So, if I am happy, maybe my gift has been the strength He has given me so far. The strength I need to do alright on my own, the strength needed to fight and live through without feeling like I am fighting and living through anything. God has required us to pray, but He has also ordered us to not forget to multitask – live this life, and to love in this life too. Maybe so we never forget Him when we keep turning to Him for guidance through difficulties, and when we are thanking Him for all the wonderful people and things He sent in our lives.

Reality has hit me. I am 23, not 16. I just learned from it what I was supposed to, not what young-people TV and music and books tried to tell me to learn from it. To me, bitter isn’t mature. And will never be.

The Right Time vs The Right Person

11 Jun

“The older you get, the harder it is to find someone you can truly love. Cuz you have grown into who you were going to be, and then there is no room to give yourself a chance to grow with someone.”

Or along those lines is what my friend told me last night. And yes, it came from a guy. Not a girl. And he really got me thinking when he asked, “if you’re promised you will find the one you are looking for if you go on a thousand dates, would you do it?”

That is because I initially refused to want to date several people; I wanted to date one. But according to him, sitting on my arse waiting for love to come knocking on my door isn’t anywhere near realistic.

I know. I have a friend who is out there, dating and dating, searching and searching. She is definitely closer to finding her perfect someone. Even though every guy is the one, she is on the right – maybe a little bumpy – road to a happy future.

I, on the other hand, I have avoided relationships. Sometimes, very aware. Sometimes, purely subconsciously. And the conversation brought light to it. Through university, I knew I wasn’t going to stay in the city, or in the state for that matter. I knew I was leaving, I refused to try to emotionally connect with someone for that reason.

And since I have been out here, I have kind of done the same thing. I have let myself avoid guys who wanted something real, even when I said I wanted something real. I always continuously felt there is something more, another milestone I need to reach, before I can start looking. It used to be really easy to keep my heart on lock, until I realized I had started to let my walls down way too fast, way too soon. Probably at the worst time, or at a place I knew very well would be labelled Fail.

What this friend said and implied was, if he meets the girl who is everything he had been searching for in ‘the one’, time and place won’t stand in the way. It’s the person he would want beside him when he is on his death bed looking back at his life, not the career he built or the status he earned.

Realistic, with a tint of hopeless romantic.

I know what he means. I can’t say I don’t want that. And I also can’t deny I find myself nervous about wanting to take that step. Since everytime I prepared myself, it was only a matter of time I got crushed, or made a total fool of myself and then got crushed.

There is a song by Pakistani singer, Bilal Khan, where he talks about him being the only one who can fight his loneliness, if he would get up and go get the one, instead of waiting, wondering. Just fyi, his lyrics are beautiful. Some of it I don’t understand, but what I do get, I find there to be a lot of emotion in every word he sings.

Anyhoos. Basically, this is a discussion with myself. I know when I am able to open up to someone, and I know when I will never be able to tell them anything. And I know when I am not able to, that person has no important placement in my life, and I can’t even give myself a second try to open up to them.

And what else? I want to be understood. I want to be admired for who I am, and I want to be accepted for things about me I can’t change without turning back time.

Considering I have accepted every person in my life the way they are and never attempted to change them, all I know is when I am able to get that back from someone and be loved, that would be the one I would go ahead take the leap with. Whether we fly, or we fall to the ground.

I do believe when the person is right, there isn’t a thing like the right time. Every fight you put up for them is justified. Now, all that remains is, when the time comes, when a person accepts me the way I am, would I really be able to believe him… or would I run away telling myself it’s just bad timing??

I will end with what he ended our conversation with:

The hardest thing to do is usually the right thing to do.

The Right Prayer

21 May

There’s one thing I wish for everytime I pray. Not for money or fame or love or happiness, but simply to cut out from my life everything that is wrong for me, despite whatever way it could initially hurt me, or damn near destroy me. And for everything that is right for me to come crawling into my life, despite me initially thinking it isn’t what I want.

Result? I feel it happening. I know recently I have tried to rush with some aspects in my life, but I just desperately wanted to grasp every opportunity I had towards being solely responsible for myself. And even through it all, I have prayed for signs in my waking life for what is the right direction. And I have gotten them.

Of course, not all areas of my life are perfect. In fact, everything is far from it. But I like the fact I am able to feel pure happiness, such peace… like you stand with eyes shut and arms wide open, leaning against the wind… the feeling that in that moment you can fly…

And I guess taking those 60 seconds out everyday to feel that rush through me is all I need to make it through day in day out. I get the feeling that everything in my life is just what I need, and nothing negative could ever come close.

I have learned, pretty much the hard way, we could want the world, but every wish we make should be to simply ask for good to come and stay, and bad to leave this very instant. We are just human, we are never going to see clearly the negative about something we want so much we start feeling we need it. The answer lies in putting your faith in something a lot more powerful and knowing, and trust that the right path for you is laid out and you will eventually find it, when you’re ready to.