Tag Archives: marriage

The Woman In Your Life

20 Jun

She is not a trophy to be won
Sometimes admired, mostly collecting dust.

She is an evergreen plant.
She needs to be watered constantly
With love, compassion & loyalty
So she may grow flowers to add beauty to your miserable life
Purify the air for you to breathe
So she may be the root of your completeness
The stem holding your life upright.

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Why Was I Born In A Family That Is Even Remotely Brown

28 Jul

Do mothers realize just how scary it is when they tell their daughters that love isn’t necessary for marriage? That they will have to spend the rest of their lives with a man who they only half understand, let alone love? That they will have to dedicate their lives to producing children and taking care of them? To get busy at work and concentrate on that to fill the gap of a loveless marriage? To tell their daughters they might eventually begin to love their husbands, or vice versa? What kind of consolation is that anyway? Is that the best they think their daughter deserves? To eventually be loved? Sorry mama, I am not settling without love, even though it is one of the toughest things for me to come in terms with. I am not even going to think about marriage to a man I do not love before or at the time of marriage. The love I have for myself is enough to fill that void till then.

Nothing Changed

3 May

Me and J ended things and became friends. Oddly, we have been surprisingly at ease. It was not just me, I had acted upon his signs and suggested we are best separated and he finally agreed he wanted to do so, too. It was like a weight was lifted off our shoulders.

Love… it is such a funny business. This girl he almost dated before asking me out is trying to set in his life and I do not feel a cringe of jealousy. I joked how he wouldn’t have to worry about her leaving because she is a US citizen and is there to stay. He seems hesitant and I get it. It’s too soon and he is being respectful. But apparently she was already talking to him before things even ended between us, but were on the rocks. I was not delusional when I felt his need to fight.

When it comes to me, things were on the rocks because of the view of marriage I’ve always held. A little part of me would enjoy a fairytale for myself, but a huge part has laid down an endless list of reasons and explanations of why marriage is not meant for me. And, I am perfectly okay with it. The tragedy is, I do not make myself clear enough when I get into a relationship. I assume I’ll come to like the idea, which so far has proven to be pretty short-lived.

Maybe, it is not even my list of reasons; maybe it is just that the right kind of man has not made the dramatic, ground-shaking entrance in my life. Maybe we can conclude I fail at dating. I should just go over a man’s professional and personality resume, interview him, and decide if he deserving of the privilege of making me his wife, which I plan on being the best I can at. Eliminate the whole lifetime long dramas that come with dating. It always ends miserably anyways. And after 3 tries at it, I really feel exhausted. I have nothing left to offer except repeat myself with another person in hopes he gets me and treats me better than the last one.

I am sick of repeating myself. I should have a whole report written on me, stating my personality, beliefs, passions, fears, likes and dislikes, and handed to a suitor. Mostly as a forewarning as to what the idiot is getting himself into. It shall contain very vital information which cannot be shared by everyone, so only those approaching me with a serious proposal get access to this report.

Yes, so I am done dating. I’m done with all that crap. I have been unable to Keep a one-track mind regarding a lover, and with so much I feel I need to do in my life, a stable marital status of “single, not looking for ANYTHING AT ALL” would help keep me focused. Meanwhile, staying friends with J isn’t bad. I resented the idea of a past lingering in my life without being my present and future. Especially because they almost always make you nostalgic and cause problems in your current relationship. But I think the physical distance makes it easier to be friends. All it takes is the click of a button to have them out of your life again. Saves me from having an awkward confrontation.

Feed Me Diamonds

5 Mar

“I don’t know your parents – it might be just stereotyping, but from what I’ve seen before , all my Muslim friends’ parents never say YES to a marriage like that :/ you know their response better than anyone.”

That was my best friend’s response to my reply that I cannot get married without my parents’ consent. Or, at least my father’s. I would very much want him to give me away. And, I really really wish there was a way that everyone could just be happy and accepting of my decision of what makes me happy.

On one hand, where my parents would love the idea that marriage is finally on my mind, they would hate I am thinking of it with someone they did not find for me. They would never give me their blessing under any circumstances, and I cannot imagine making that step of my life without their permission.

On several levels, she is right. We will never be allowed to marry anyone our parents did not introduce to us. It is their decision, which we are expected to accept and find eternal happiness in.

I call bullshit to that rule. It is not like they have to spend day and night with the partner they choose for us, they are not the ones to have to love him and lust him and care for him. They believe they know who their children are – in today’s times, no parent really knows what their child’s preferences are. To top it all, they are not even in a position to judge someone the child wants to marry.

It’s how when I tried to tell my mother about J. She asked his religion, she asked his job. And with those two questions, and nothing further, she decided he is no good to be a husband. She concluded how he can never be faithful, how he is a liar, how he is not the one for me. That was unfair. And there was just nothing else for me to say. She made that conversation all about her and I ended up apologizing and never talked about him again with her – never told her I am still seeing him either. She didn’t want to be part of that life, anyway.

How many of our life decisions do parents have to make for us? I do not want to do anything that will hurt them – they have sacrificed everything they could think of for the sake of our dreams. So, I want to return them the favour by keeping them happy. And my happiness lies in their happiness – and their happiness should lie in my happiness when it comes to decisions like marriage.

Now, they expect me to move countries, and they expect me to find work there, live there, and eventually find a man there and marry him. It’s their idea of my happiness. It is not mine. At what point are they going to get that worse comes, I will do what they want – and I will do it with no enthusiasm, I will do it by slowly dying inside.

It’s not like they are ever going to force me to consider marriage to someone they find suitable, it’s just the nagging – and the fact that all chemistry I want in a relationship I have already found. And it is not just going to develop with somebody else just like that. And, trust me, if I ever even try to have this conversation with my mother, she will get all emotional and I will be guilt-tripped into shutting up [female voice suppression 101].

And whenever I start to realize how wonderful my romantic life is, something is always around the corner to crush it. Just when I started rejoicing over the 4 extra days I got to stay here and spend it with my boyfriend and his family, and just when I thought my flight would just have to be delayed a few days again, it turns out NO!!! No flight is getting delayed, my passport arrived safe and sound, and now I can miserably start packing after the rush of endorphins as a result of emptying my bank shopping away like I hadn’t in a long time.

I have been suffering from insomnia too, lately. I barely sleep 2-4 hours and I am still wide awake early in the morning. From the little course in depression for CNA training, I learned waking up too early is a sign of depression. Okay, I am not suicidal and sulky, I’m just bitter with the fact I am losing something, and I have no set plan for my next step in life. But my parents do. They have it all perfectly planned out. Perfectly planned out to find me jobs that will barely help me pay my rent in the most expensive city in the world, and from that, they think they have given us a successful future.

No. Success is happiness. Happiness in life, in career, in love. So, why then do they insist they know best? They know best based on societal expectations, not best based on the personalities they raised.

“Or will you play a good daughter and suffer inside and out?” asked my friend.

Everything comes and goes, your family sticks around. When you have no one to turn to, your family will be there. And I know how much they mean to me, and I can’t live knowing I hurt them through impulsive arguments and decisions. So the answer to her question is, yes.

I will resent them forever. I will blame them for any obstacles I face in the course they put me on, I will become comfortable and settle into the life they chose for me, I will force myself to pretend happiness.

And that is all I can give to them – and none of it will involve marrying anyone they pick out for me. If they do want to pick out someone, he has to be a multi-millionaire who signs a pre-nup with me that if he ever so slightly gets caught cheating, I’ll be entitled to 50% of his treasure. And then send women to make him cheat on me. And with that, marry someone I actually love.

End of story. I love my parents, and that is me being a good child – because the excessive amount of control they put on my life has impaired my ability to be anything better to them.

You Need A Man Who Is…

8 Feb

I skyped with my parents back home yesterday. I wanted to discuss school a little more with them, when my mother did her thing again: “you’re going to just grow old studying; people are already asking me when I’m going to get my daughters married.”

Yes. My best friend from childhood is getting married next month, and that seems to be all that is on my mother’s mind. I flipped. I hate this conversation because it is so irrational and it leaves me yelling back at her and her in tears, eventually. So, I hate it.

To which, my sister commented if mother wants us to settle for something less than we deserve, stopping ourselves from becoming less than our potential. I discussed this drama with another friend, and putting my current relationship in context, too. He does know me far too well, and when he says what kind of man I need, he could not be more right.

I am stubborn. I am bossy. If things do not go my way, which I normally believe to be the right way, I get restless and I start to feel dangerous urges in my fists and my teeth. I have a perception of how a man should be, and if he is like that, I will respect him, and accept his decisions to be right.

So to say, my friend pointed out I’d be at most ease with a powerful man. Someone among the expert in his field. Someone intelligent, someone decisive. Someone who I would not think little of, someone with high moral and virtue. Someone there would be no need to control when it comes to what he is doing with his life. For that, he has to be at least 26. I guess that is the age you can predict what path a man is down, what his plans are for his life. And of course, for me to find him decently attractive as well. I would need that to think marriage, and I would need that to worry less about him, and focus on nurturing my own goals, our relationship, and our family.

But for a man like that, I have to go on to become my full potential. I have to grow up in number, too. I cannot be 23 and think I will meet someone like that. It’s not fair I dated J and subtly brushed off whenever he said he wants to marry me, and he can’t wait for me to be his wife? Not really. He is 21, and I think he is fine where he is for his age. He expresses what he wants to do, and I am happy cuz he shows potential to be more in a few years. Yeah, if I wait till he is 26, I’ll be 28. But that is where age becomes just a number. Also, that is so far away, and with the unsure near future I have no idea if we will ever be back together again.

So basically, to stop my mother from continuing her failed attempts to finding a husband for me, I need to tell her the kind of man I someday want will not come from the milestones I have already reached. Three more great milestones before I become the kind of woman I’d want to marry, if I were a man.

Wedding Bells? No, Thank You.

7 Jul

So I guess enough time has passed and I will reveal the psychic reading I got earlier this week. Nothing she said about the future seemed like wow. It was the pretty basic you-will-marry-your-soulmate-and-will-be-very-happy-and-there-will-be-no-separation-ever. Thank you for being so general. A time would have been a much better detail, like will I be 25? 35? Or, 45? Considering the rate at which I am progressing in that area of my life?

If it was up to my mum, I’d actually be married tomorrow. Few days back, agaiiin, she was at it with having people with their eyes open for “nice guys” and going on to make suitor recommendations from her distant side of the family. Like, no, thank you mum. Your daughter shall only freak away everyone you plan on introducing her to.

So I tell her marriage is not my priority, and I am determined to try to get into a good phd program, to which her reply was a “by the time you are done with that, you will be 28 or 29. Who would want to marry you then?”

Ouch. Thank you for the support. But I am pretty sure I’d still be young, fresh meat for a dying old rich man with a huge estate and a will that would leave everything he could ever own to me… maybe. Who would NOT want to marry me then???

Oh the drama that started again with the whole marriage thing. It’s like there is something they aren’t telling me, as to why they are so eager, so desperate to just throw me off that they were like if I meet someone, I can have a small ass wedding ceremony, which they didn’t even seem to care enough to attend. What did they say? “We’ll send the money for your wedding.”

Wow. Wow. WOW!!!!! They didn’t tour my university before I moved there, they didn’t attend my graduation, now they don’t even seem to plan on attending a wedding that they want for me!??!

Sigh.

Probably what bugs mum is that people have said way too many times no one will marry me or keep me, I am too much of a brat to make anyone but myself happy and I know of no sacrifice or compromise. Probably the news of me actually exchanging wedding vows would let her be like, “seeeeeee!!!!”

But still. Doesn’t help my non-existent confidence in myself when I am suggestively being tossed around for wifey-material-evaluation to a suitor and his family.

I mean, I sort of understand when she says she wants me married off in a good age, cuz the older I get, less likely I will find a decent husband. But, it doesn’t give my heart a freaking break.

And now, my college girls will be visiting me next weekend, for which I am uber excited. But, both are now in healthy relationships with real sweet guys and I am honestly happy for them. But I know what they will tell me.

One would be like “you will find someone too”. Aww jee, thank you.

The other, as she has always done, would criticize my choices and steps I take, and basically go over everything I do wrong and brainstorm why guys don’t want me for me. End result would be me just wanting to get drunk till I pass out cuz they would have successfully slapped reality in my face by twisting it.

Or I’d shove what the psychic told me in their faces. “Yo! I am on the road to awesome ever after..” and hopefully they will see it happen in their life time, when their kids and the kids of all the guys in my past are getting married too.

Yup. Hello there again, single girl problems. I hope the reunion and boy talk don’t make me want to get pathetically shit-faced again -__-

[Or I could always invent a boyfriend to avoid an intervention. Tadaaaa! Now you’re talking Sabrina, now you’re talking!!]

One Step Closer To Unforgivable

9 May

Lately, the only thing significant about my life has been drama. Oh, how I despise it.

I mean, it’s made me have thoughts of running away, leave everything, try a fresh new start, where I don’t know anyone or anything, and can feel like a newborn. It would be nice, eh?

Sigh. Not so easy.

There’s just so much I am not even ready to leave behind. But I know the changes I want to make require just that. Eventually, someday, when pieces will start to put themselves together, and then I wouldn’t have so much please-shoot-me drama.

They have gotten me to the point I have to ask certain questions to myself:

1. Am I being ridiculously stubborn? Should I even apologize for something I didn’t do? Or for something I did that is of no direct or indirect concern to them?

2. Why are people, who unfortunately are my blood but don’t know a thing about me considering some of them haven’t seen me since I was 11, talking about me and calling me useless, unlovable, and stating no one will keep me, appreciate me, love me, marry me?!

For crying the fudge out loud!!!!!

I had been nothing but respectful towards them, I didn’t shun their opinions or advice, but calmly explained without revealing too much of the reasons why I see things differently than they do. And even to that, they called me hopeless, because I did not think like them.

I am sorry, I don’t intend to be accepted for who I am not, so yeah, you’re more than welcome to hate me for whatever illusion you have of what kind of person I am.

Not saying I am a saint. Oh, nowhere close to it. But there are aspects of my life I choose not to share because I am not seeking pity either. Great job so-called-family for telling my parents I am an out-of-control snob who only cares about myself and my happiness, who has no idea how to live in this world.

What do you know, anyways?

People gonna hate, I am gonna continue living – of course, with frustrations, outbursts of anger, but then shaking it all off the next hour.

I am seriously so frustrated with every conversation about me my aunts start ending in conversations about me being the furthest thing from wifey-material.

  • One, marriage is the last thing on my mind.
  • Two, it’s my life, I will talk about my unmarryableness, joke about it. It’s not of you to discuss so seriously.
  • Three, just because I stand my own and have certain standards I am not going to give up, I am the one who is unmarryable? Do they need to be reminded what rushing to settle with no self-respect and standards lead them into??
  • Four, I don’t even want to get married if I have to unwillingly change something about me to please someone. I don’t believe in fairytales, but I do believe in love being accepting of how the other is and loving them not just despite it, but because of it.
  • Five, if I am not getting all that, I am better off alone, chasing dreams that someday I will make happen. I am content either ways.

I am sick of these comments. And when the message is conveyed to them that I will get out of their lives, leave them in peace, they get furious. If I am that much of a fail, a disgrace, then let me go!!

I mean, what DOOOO they want!? Just to keep me in their lives, control me, tell me continuously poor-life-decision-making is all I ever do, torment me, make me miserable, then go backbite and gossip about me and increase their sin count!?

Yeah, sorry. That is not happening. Well, it can till I am out of their hair, but it won’t bother me anymore. Now I can roll my eyes, and laugh about it.

Been There. Done That. Now Grow Up.

11 Apr

Sounds like the perfect mantra for today? For all my life? Or better yet, the hereafter.

For one, the whole family drama from earlier was a lot to take in. But then again, I’ve had worse situations I needed to move past. I forced myself today to see things from the viewpoint of someone I had almost lost all feelings of respect towards. Needless to say, well, I understood what they were saying. I just wish they understood me, or knew me enough to know what the hell they are talking about to me.

I guess people have still not learned to mind their own bizabiz. Everything I say or do, for some reason, always has to wind up with a comment about me being unmarryable. I mean, you can say that when I am out chasing a frigging ring on my finger.

So a few months back when my uncles and aunts were all suddenly talking about my marriage – yes yes I know “scusi wtf” but understand this is a culture you’re lucky to not belong to – I stated some very blunt opinions about the whole concept of marriage. I just wanted them to shut up and let it be my decision. And well, today I learned, I had a couple of suitors recently, who my uncle told off saying my head is in the clouds and I am all unmarryable.

Wow. Well, thank you for getting rid of them. I personally hated one of the guys anyways, not to mention I was distantly related to him. And I don’t know who the other one was, but either way, this whole marriage thing was not a priority. But… um, really uncle? To my face, he acts like the coolest person on earth, talks and hangs with me like a friend, and on the other… oh wow. SMH!!!! 

This whole “Unmarryable Me” was a title I gave to my own life, to be used for purposes of humor and sarcasm and not to be applied to me by two-faced people. The world makes me so mad sometimes.

For two, talk about dealing with things you are always constantly keeping to yourself cuz of reasons you don’t want to admit. I mean, it’s not like the first time I have buried secrets, however, it’s always the same challenge. This is where I keep telling myself to just close that book, shake it out, and never return to it again. I mean, I am no stranger to such situations, and no child to be too naive to understand.

Note to self: Repetition will not be classified as a mistake. Grow the heck up.

For three, it’s past midnight. I can’t get enough sleep. And I need to go catch the new episode of New Girl, so well, ciao.

Karma At Work

15 Mar

First thought that crossed my mind the minute I heard the news this man had a heart attack, and has been in the hospital for almost a week now: karma.

A man is in critical condition and that is what I say? Well, I don’t feel sorry for him. He had it coming. The pain he had put his wife through for several years before kicking her out, and for how she has been struggling since then, losing her mind trying to start over, walking with her head held high even though anyone who is smart enough can see she is all broken inside… He deserved it.

He saved his reputation, he destroyed hers. He blamed her for things she never did, she remained quiet and silently dealt with it. Yeah, they were never able to have kids. But, the silver lining… There were no kids to see what class of an asshole their father is. Kicking a woman out well in her 50s, after suddenly having a sick fantasy of a younger prettier wife.

The demands he had… Pretty much fooled himself thinking he is looking at a movie star in the mirror, or thinking he’s one of those banks he’d be able to buy himself a golddigger. He was neither. He was just an ungrateful, selfish man who strayed from his responsibilities of a good husband, even a good honest human being, and called himself a devout religious man.

He is one of those people who I’d mentioned in one of my earlier posts, who marry for all the wrong reasons, particularly the one that disgusts me the most. He got married to this woman for his legal benefit, practically used her, abused her, destroyed her self-esteem, and left her to fend for herself.

And now he’s hanging between life and death. The scenario reminds me of “Diary of A Mad, Black Woman”. A great wife gets thrown out, all mad and broken as she starts to build her own life, and when the asshole is paralyzed like he was supposed to be, she returns to cater to him and brought him back to life. But at least stays wise enough to not return to start over again. She moves on to her happily ever after with a man who showed her what love is supposed to be.

Except that was a movie. She was young, there was her hero there. This is reality, however. This is a different culture altogether. There is no such thing as a hero, not without a miracle at least. There is society talking, always blaming the woman. This woman feels guilty now, torn, crying her heart out. They tell her to forgive and go see him, he needs her even if he says he doesn’t. She has never wished for anything bad for him, she calls it fate, says she has forgiven him, and hopes he is happy whatever he is doing with his life.

I understand her. I’ve never cursed anyone in my life, except for maybe, one person but it’s a whole different story. As for society, are you fucking kidding me!? No, he needs this to happen to him. He needs to learn from this, and go back chasing his hot wife fantasies. Good luck to him. I would like to see what dumb, desperate kind of a woman he is able to convince to marry him.

One of the things I strongly believe in because I have witnessed it happen so much is the wrath of a woman. Sometimes, movies is not the only place where justice is served. Life, if you open your eyes and observe, shows you little examples of rewards for the good and punishments for the wrong. And sometimes, you just have to believe there is a force greater than yourself that will make sure everything will be alright if your intentions are, too.

I don’t know about you, but I both observed and lived through a special kind of hell on earth for women, owned and run by a special class of men of course. Needless to say, I guess this is the reason why I always find myself in the lives of victims where I am giving it my all to try and make them want to keep on living. I can’t even complain – to be able to make a person smile through unbearable misery gives my life a sense of purpose I seem to be lacking lately.

Link

The Difference Between Single Men and Single Women

8 Jan

The Difference Between Single Men and Single Women

So earlier today, I came across this article in NY Times, and it simply has to be the most interesting read in a while, since it sums up almost everything I have always believed. Of course, my male friends were kind of disappointed with the article, which came from pure denial, but as they read through it, even they couldn’t disagree: men have a tough time being alone once they have been in and out of a serious relationship, while women are more than happy with their new found independence!

An eye-opener, this article is a must read, especially for those who believe women to be.. what’s that.. desperate to find someone! =]