Tag Archives: truth

Child of Darkness

9 Jan

Maybe it had been a dream, or a voice that you could hear only when silence surrounded you. Nevertheless, it was then, in the darkest hour of the night, that the truth finally became as clear as day. And you began to realize that the darkness wasn’t there to blind you, but to hide everything else that hid the truth from you all along.

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Edges & Cracks

2 Jul

Do not give me ideal

For it is not real.

Do not hide from me
For I, too, can seek.

Do give me the truth
And don’t lay it out smooth.

I can handle your edges
Can you not tell by my cracks?

My Contradiction

31 May

Draping curtains of innocence over cruel intentions, I am a sinner posing as a saint.

Raising walls of fire around a heart of gold, I am merely a saint pretending to be a sinner.

My contradiction is my only truth, that I am a great big fucking liar.

The Artist

22 Dec

She drew unusually,
people with objects they
were never meant to have.
Like, a child with a weapon,
an adult with a pacifier.
Because what she saw
was just as unusual –
a child being authoritative
an adult desperate to be loved.
She hid love
within broken images
she depicted misery
in solemn oaths of forever.
She was weird to most eyes
for she saw what they couldn’t
Quite simply put, the truth
and when the truth is weird
we live in a pretty twisted world.

Human

14 Aug

Her skin was thick
Her instincts were of an animal
But underneath it all
She was still human
Wrapped around her bones was a human
Buried right under the thousand times she said she was over him
Laid the truest of truths that she will forever love him.

Stupid Man

21 Jun

Stupid is the man in whose arms I fall asleep
He thinks he is my happy place
He thinks that when I close my eyes
It is his handsome face I see.

Stupid is the man who lies next to me, our bodies entwined
He thinks it is him all my love is for
He thinks I see him as the one
When all he can ever be is the guy
Who, for a little while, keeps you out of my mind.

Half Human

20 Jun

An illusive state of mind he was in
For he did not see what was within the walls of his skin
He believed himself to be shaped
Into the most authentically naïve entity
How was I to dawn his truth upon him
That what I saw in him was less than half human
That he was really a despicable beast
Comprised of the most insidious elements
His existence was wrong in all essence
And he was blind to it
For his eyes would only open
When his body laid down in its grave
Only then he would see the trails of blood and horror he left behind
Only then he would understand he was the destruction
That befell upon the undeserving, and the unexpecting.

Civilized Arabs? Lulz!

19 Dec

I have had it. Even though it was only two out of fourteen parents who could actually make it to the parent-teacher conference, it was all I needed to break me.

I have like 24 girls in my class. 14 parents came. Actually wait. 16 did. 2 of them were just mothers – well, animal mothers. Egyptian women, and at the end of the day, all the sympathy I felt for the political crisis in Egypt and all the bloodshed, I lost it all. These two women represented everything Egypt one sees on the news. Lack of respect. Lack of tolerance. Excess of pride. Absence of humility. Absolute reluctance to accepting the truth as it is.

Let’s call my student M. Got a 2.6 out of 5 for behavior. Got a 15 over 25 on the English test. Got a 1.5 over 5 on one spelling quiz. Here is what the mother – who speaks English with a thick Arabic accent by the way with noticeable grammatical errors in speech – had to say to me:

“- I don’t think my daughter is that horrible to receive such a low grade in behavior (denial right there)
– You did not read the test paper for them. If you did she would have gotten a really good grade (the pride)
– You are not doing the vocabulary words with them…. oh you are? By making them write the spelling.. (hello disrespect)
– you don’t love my daughter that is why you are so mean to her (yes my job is to love children rather than teach them that there is rejection out there in the world)
– You probably speak English wrong that is why M got all the spellings wrong, you don’t know how to say the words.” (Scusi? Me? Noh Engleeshh? Vat!?? That is like a huge fart on my American education and work experience and the fact I have been correcting teachers’ grammar errors since I was in the second grade.. so shut yo mouth you freaking barbarian!)

To all of which, I showed her the assesment sheet with all the grades of other students. She said this all in such a high voice the teacher next to me was about to cry hearing the way this woman talked to me. Despite me raising my voice to tell her exactly how the classes are taught, she was unwilling to even allow me to finish. I mean, I do each and every word with definition and several examples and every girl is asked to use them in sentences of their own. I display the test papers on the board, point at each and every word, walk around and read questions for girls who are having trouble. I was hired as a teacher for my English, not my experience. My accent was what was in high demand, that is what parents wanted for their children, that is what some parents showed appreciation for saying they want their children to speak like me. This woman with broken English is telling me to my face I don’t speak the language properly. To which I showed her the grades of other students who got a 100% and said simply, “well they didn’t have any trouble understanding me at any point.”

My heart was racing, I had a severe rapid leg movement episode that lasted like over an hour, but I kept my cool. I stood my ground without one word of disrespect towards her. We were in the auditorium so several teachers and parents walking by could hear her, could see us. The teacher next to me couldn’t take it anymore and went and called the coordinator who told this woman to walk away.

The humiliation I felt… none of the nice things rest of the parents had to say, even ask so politely, made up for it. Nothing of how much their daughters love me, nothing of how much they are learning from me, how they finally found stability with me, nothing of them asking me for suggestions as to what they can do to make my job easier for me. Nothing worked.

For the most part all day I laughed it off, stayed calm, expressed my anger with a smile about how ridiculous this experience was, but then suddenly at home, during one point I just felt it sting so bad I couldn’t help it. I cried and cried like I don’t remember the last time I was this hurt, and it went on for an hour. I kept on washing my face but a minute later it came back and again I repeated forcing myself to smile to feel better but I couldn’t even do that. My prayers were ruined cuz in the middle of them I broke down – I just could not control it!

So I texted the one supervisor who recommended me and told her that until and unless the school makes this woman apologize to me for the uncivilized way she behaved me, I am not going to come to school from next week. It is really the administration’s job to defend me here because they know exactly how I teach, they could only offer discipline suggestions because I was perfect in every other way. They should tell her she had no right to insult me like that and if she has any problem, she can remove her child from the school. They should. That is all I know. If they have any amount of respect for me. If they don’t, I really don’t mind quitting three weeks before I had originally planned to.

It is wrong for all the other girls to suffer cuz I left, but this will be against the school for letting me face such humiliation with such strength (killer outward strength, at least) so early in my experience. I had kept quiet for way too long taking every shit they had to throw at me, accepting it calmly (calm at least to their face) and going along with it. Not anymore. This was the limit. I need my justice or whatever, they can take care of the children with substitutes for the next couple of weeks.

It hurts every time. I had put my heart and soul into teaching my girls. I treated them all equally despite having favorites, I encouraged answers out of them over and over – and when I feel so damn unappreciated doing something I never planned to do but still did an excellent job while at it, it hurts. It hurts when people continue to stab with their knives, they see me covered in blood but they keep stabbing because I am not screaming and still they find another part of my flesh that still hasn’t been stabbed. I am not healing, I have never healed. I just cover up so no new person can see the mess underneath.

This is why I avoid people. I do not want another person to come in and damage any little piece left of me. I am so bad at confrontations because I am so polite and respectful of people who don’t deserve it because they don’t know how to give it. I don’t want to be this person who gets walked on all the time cuz I am so little it is so easy to step on me and crush me. This strength is so fake. I feel fake. Just like all the bandages I put on my students, I am covered in just those. I don’t even know any more why I deal with people after people when they only know how to cause misery.

It’s funny from an outsider’s viewpoint. They can refuse to pay me for the month at most, but I could care less about it. Respect is more important to me at this stage, and I have suffered way too much all my life never standing up for myself. Just… not… anymore.

Hopefully.

For all I know, without trying to be racist here, I am running miles away the next time an Egyptian walks my way. I mean, okay fine… other Egyptian girls are there too in my class. Their parents talked in such a civil manner with me. It showed they are educated people. They accept their children’s weaknesses – they aren’t blinded and they don’t uselessly baby their children, teaching them the word “love” over the word “like”. Way to raise these girls to be yet another generation of needy, clingy, desperate young women.

Some people should refrain from having children seriously. Or at least learn to respect someone trying to civilize your child which you totally ruin for them through the way you behave with others.

He Sounds Muslim: The Cancerous Spread of Ignorance

2 Aug

I understand a couple of racist and sexist jokes here and there, once in a while. No harm meant, nobody offended. But maybe it’s how I am evolving into something different, and it’s not tolerable in the eyes of some around me, the comments have become harsher.

Yesterday at work, especially, when my coworker held out his hand and went like, “Do you see this? [meaning the pale colour of his skin] Do I look like someone who would fast in Ramadan?

I was stunned at his level of ignorance. Muslims cannot be white. I just replied a “Wow” and turned away. My other coworker stood up, and lectured him on how she knows a Caucasian Muslim girl, how she knows a Hispanic Muslim girl, and how they are both fasting.

His reply: “Well I am just too pale is what I mean.

I don’t even know where to begin. His lack of knowledge of how all skin tones are found in the Middle East, Pakistan, Iran and Afghanistan. Or his ignorant belief that all Muslims are supposed to be brown skinned. Or just excuse him for being a dumb 18 year old who could care less about learning and be more concerned about wasting away his youth with alcohol and sex.

And then today, after getting a voicemail from a lawyer informing him that he is being sued for check fraud, my other coworker goes like, “He sounds Muslim!” when clearly it was one of the most obvious Southern accents.

If looks could kill, I wish they could also break a huge block of common sense on the heads of people. I was well-aware of ignorance since childhood, but the ratio of knowledgeable to ignorant surprises me. Disappoints me.

People have stopped reading. They have stopped listening. To legit information. To things that matter. To the truth. They have shut their eyes, they care about nothing, nobody, but have decided “YOLO” is the way to live till you die. It baffles me to see this is what has become of mankind. The thirst for knowledge has been replaced with the thirst of money.

Someone said it so well:

There is in ignorance a death for its people before death, and their bodies before burial are graves, and their souls are in grief on account of their bodies, and there is no resurrection for them (from death) until the Resurrection.

Is it just me taking offense to all this? I definitely don’t think so. I know how it bothered my other colleague to see me being insulted like that. I know it bothers me when I see people crack racist jokes to insult people around me, too.

So I have been saying no to going out to bars and parties with them for personal reasons that I have already explained to them once, and do not want to have to repeat. Few respect my decision, but others have literally attacked me and teased me about it. But of course, standing your own a-midst a crowd of alike people is never easy. And I have been taught well, that, the hardest thing to do is usually the right thing to do.

It’s not all them to blame. I had been too nice, too tolerant and too easy-going to easily take offense to any of their teasing when it came to my height or slight accent. It was like giving a green light to them to go ahead and dump all kinds of offensive comments on me. Yeah, I am not a serious person. That is not how I lead my life on the daily. But when it comes to things that matter, I don’t excuse. I almost physically can’t. I know I just have to survive through it till I get away. Hopefully where ignorance is close to negligible if not completely.

It’s no real surprise though, sadly. The Prophet (SAW) narrated centuries ago what we see happen everyday around us today:

Time will be shortened, the knowledge will be raised up, [so only ignorance will remain] the Fitan (trials, calamities, etc.) will appear, stinginess will be widespread and Al-Haraj will appear in abundance.” He was asked, “And what is Al-Haraj?” He said, “Murder!”

Muslim Women

6 Jun

image

This is so true. From observing all the women I grew up around, oppression barely stands true outside of Afghanistan and Iran. Yeah, I come from Saudi Arabia, one of the most conservative countries. But even there, women who did their hijab did so by choice. Oh, and you would be surprised at the increasing number of IT specialists and engineers in Saudi that are female. And those that own and run their own businesses. There is nothing in Islam that limits how much a woman can study and there is no glass ceiling suggested for her career either. Talk about chores? We got maids and houseboys that come in to clean and even cook sometimes, because technically Islam requires chores and raising kids be divided equally between a couple, or they hire help.