Celeste and Jesse, real life?

I barely have 35 days left before I am on that plane home, with no idea right now if and when I will return. And it’s getting harder and harder when I think about having to end this relationship. We both put up a strong face in front of each other, carry on discussing our lives and living it like we do not have an inevitable end which is right around the corner. And then, there are those moments when our hearts are sunk all the way down our stomach, and holding tears back is impossible. Especially after we got along so well. Especially after all our arguments were something we did playfully, and never actually had any of our differences interfere.

He remains so strong most of the time. But tonight, when we decided to not see each other for a few days because of our overly demanding work schedules, I think something struck him. And the thought of being away for the next couple of days did not sink in easy. Because, for the first time, we decided upon it. We have went, at most, 4 or 5 days without seeing each other, but none of that was planned and none of them were so close to my leaving.

Except now, it is. Now, where we plan to concentrate on other areas of life, it is becoming real. Because, in 35 short days, this will become the norm. We will have no choice but to move on. And all of this love will turn into resentment down the road, where all the jokes about “so with your next one” will start to become the bitter truth.

I guess that is the thing. We joke too much. We tease too much. We are ridiculous most of the time. Yeah, we have our serious talks, but we are just so much fun with each other, time flies away way too fast. It’s easy to be ourselves. We are different people with different beliefs. We have fun doing the same things though. We are laid back, never demanding. Just demanding because we see other couples do that. Of course, in our eyes, we are the most perfect thing.

I guess I still am aware of the flaws. I guess we knew our future together was unlikely. I would not budge about my religious beliefs; he could not about his. We probably thought that somewhere down the road, one of us would change our minds. But then again, we are so young. He will not be this person two years from now, neither will I. But what we did not have the opportunity to do was to grow together and see what could become of us.

Our first date was at the movie, Celeste and Jesse Forever. I loved that movie, but for some reason, it is how I always saw us becoming. Celeste was high maintenance, and Jesse was as chilled out and laid back as he could be. They loved the hell out of each other, but the painful part was where they had to leave each other with how much they still and will always love the other. Yet, had to go on continue their lives with other people. And those characters are just us. Except, so far, there is not anyone else.

The goodbye

With time, we will probably stop missing each other. We will get too busy with our lives and the different time zones will get the best of us. With time, our feelings will fade away and our hearts will become sour towards each other. With time, maybe we will find someone who believes in the same things. But in that mean time, it hurts.

However, we can shut our eyes for now. We are going on our first trip together, to see my college friends. We are going to do what we normally do – go to movies, go to restaurants, go to the mall, lay in bed and watch TV and eat pizza, and plan out career shifts. It’s the last thing left to do – help him find a career which he is passionate about, while planting my own passion wherever I can.

I went years without a steady thing I could call a relationship, and my plan was to continue like that. But then I met him, and he was sweet, kind, gentle, funny, and loyal. And I could not help but appreciate who he was, and eventually love him for being this person. Long distance is not a valid option – since I am not sure yet if I am going to be able to come back, why hang on to it? He asked me to marry him, but that would be too hasty a decision, and my conditions are endless, hence invalid. Realistically, our only option is to go our own way, remain friends because throwing away the closest person to you is just, well… stupid. I could never do that to him. I could never want to do that. We have both went through long-distance before, and it would just not make any sense to go down that road when we already know it would only be bitter. We watched enough TV with couples like us in our situations, and only a fairy tale was the happily-ever-after answer.

This will be my first time trying to continue a friendship with any man dude I was more than a friend to. And I will go back to closing my eyes, and imagining this late night, brokenhearted blog never happened.

No More Shy

Dual Personality

This is a necklace I got from a friend at work. According to everyone, it is all me. And how I have two sides – a perky, bright side; and then a dark, mean side. And then, it is a cat. A darn-adorable, spoiled pet. They call me a cat.

Everyone, I guess, has dual personalities. I call mine Sabrina. That side of me is brave, ruthless, determined, and outspoken. It is free, and it knows no limits. It is what I rely on for strength and protection. It’s afraid of nothing.

Then, there is me. Perky, obedient, shy me. I know no evil, I do no evil. I rather cry than fight. I am easily afraid, I am discouraged and restrained. I have massive amounts of hope and optimism, I am the pleaser. I’m afraid to disappoint.

Two different ends of the spectrum. The problem is both are inappropriate, and never appear at the right time. But if there is any one of me I prefer lives, it is Sabrina. Much stronger, this side of me is the only thing I need for this world.

Except, it is inappropriate. It does not come out where needed. Like, when I should just kick some men in the balls for continuously hitting on me and refusing to leave. That time, there was no Sabrina. It was just boring little me, trying to remain polite.

Now, I have a great career opportunity, and all I need is Sabrina to step forward and show them how powerful she is, and win this for me. Oh God, please win this for me.

Nightmares

For the past couple of nights, I’ve been having dreams of being emotionally attacked. It’s better than the usual running-from-something-I-never-see dreams. But, both times the dreams woke me up with a sharp feeling of betrayal and resentment.

One dream revolved around being bullied and pranked out of pure dislike, where I could feel my anger make my bones scream “kill them all!!” Very much like Carrie. Except, in that moment, I stayed the only victim, completely helpless.

The other revolved around how I tried for a loved one to not lose focus, to not be talked into the wrong things, but I lost to the villian again. Or, I woke up before I lost. This dream was themed betrayal too; betrayal by mind-control, to be exact.

My dreams have barely ever been pleasant. The issue is they keep getting harder to win and I do not enjoy losing something I am supposed to have absolute control over.

Ready, Get, Set.. On Fire.

I got to see one of my best friend’s from college just this New Year’s Eve. The last time I saw was exactly a year ago. I was excited. It was a dinner thing I went to this year. Quite laid back. It was nice. I didn’t even know, or care enough to know, but apparently 2013 is the year of the snake. My friend goes on to tell me the girl who was hosting the party was looking for a dress that could complement that. And my fishnet tights apparently completed the kind of outfit she was looking for.

Well, soon, it was less than a minute to midnight. We all had sparklers in our hands – my first time ever holding one (actually two) – and we stood up to toast to the new year. For some reason, in the split second, I started to feel really warm. One glance to my left, and I noticed the bottom of my dress was on fire. I had to do a double take. The fire was blazing. Real, and growing. I stayed pretty calm, and just announced two three times, “I’m on fire.” It took a while for it to process and to react to. I just stood there, and without knowing what to do, just threw the sparklers on the couch. Two of the guys helped put the fire out. In the five minutes I was on fire, almost everything pretty about my outfit was gone. It burned the back of my thigh and my hip as well. A little bit of cooling treatment followed, but through it all, I couldn’t help but either stay calm or laugh. It was in the bathroom where my friend tells me how her dress caught fire about two years ago on the hostess’s wedding. That is when I guess I felt a tiny bit of fear. But, other than that, the whole incident was still pretty fun.

Other than that, all I remember reading and thinking about for the past few days before the incident was arsonists and being burned alive. I would talk about fire with my boyfriend almost every day. And kaboom! Here I am, with a few burn spots on my left side. It’s always my left that gets damaged. Just like my accident four years ago, where now my left arm consists of metal rod and plates along with flesh and bones.

Needless to say, my boyfriend couldn’t take much more of the party and we ended up leaving an hour later. I think he partially blamed himself for not reacting fast enough. He kept trying to figure out if he did the right thing by holding the dress away from my skin. And, finally, Google provided him with some consolation on he did the right thing. I don’t blame him. It’s harder to know how to react to threat to your loved one than to a complete stranger. I talked about it quite repeatedly that the story became so-last-year within twenty-four hours.

Oh well, I had fun. I am weird like that. It’s another incident to remember, another scar to boast about my inner daredevil. My only regret is losing that dress. It took me three years of owning it to finally cut the tag off and wear it, and actually finally love how I looked in it. And I lost it within 2 hours. Sigh. Especially when I was somehow, without knowing, representing the Chinese Snake o.O

Several kinds of jinxes apply here. One of the girls at the party even said something about how superstitious she was. So, connecting the dots, well, I guess it was a close call. I look at it as, it could have been worse. What if, someone threw their glass of champagne on me in order to put the fire out? Yeah, thank God that did not happen.