Nervous and Excited

Did a little cat-friendly apartment search on Craigslist. Nothing interesting. Nothing close to work. I don’t know if I want to sign a lease either, considering I don’t know what my plans are for 2013. I get this one day off of work today, I should have studied. But so mentally exhausted, followed by physically exhausted from errands and cooking and cleaning when it was 93 degrees in my apartment, I had to nap. Then try to chillax.

Work is leaving me in charge of the store this weekend. I think it’s a big much-desired progress, and I am nervous, but excited at the same time. I got this showing a high level of commitment to my job, for the mere desire to come out on the top. Which I did. I am nervous because I really want to do a damn good job this weekend too, because this could mean climbing up that ladder. I just need to be braver with the alpha retards, and I would be all set.

The roommate who moved in last weekend is already moving out this weekend, and another girl is coming in. I haven’t met her yet, but I shall tomorrow, probably after work. Attempts to socialize? Well, this one wanted to. But her suggestions have always been “let’s go grab a beer!”

Mehhh.

What should my excuses be? I am a paranoid calorie-counter? It could have worked, except she sees all my chocolates and candy, which I bring in every time I go out. And she sees how I am always drinking green tea or Cola, and barely ever drink water. BLAME IT ON THE INSANELY HOT WEATHER WHERE WATER DOES NOT QUENCH THIRST!!! 

Since I am no party pooper and do not want to perceived that way, but I just don’t want to explain the true reason to someone I just met and am pretty sure would not understand, what could my defenses be? I have a liver condition? A kidney condition? A brain condition?

I did try to be a little social. It’s just kind of gotten hard since I got out of college. I am only comfortable enough to be able to be myself with the people I work with, and it’s with them I do not mind going out with. Aside from when the dudes are starting to cross the line being touchy-feely. For that reason, I hesitate going out most of the time.

Well, I now need to find a masquerade mask for my friend’s party next weekend. I kind of have a great dress for the occasion. I just hope it arrives in time or I am so screwed. I rather just shop online. Much variety. Without knowing exactly how I will look in them. But that is the purpose of the mask, after all. Everyone I shall meet, I shall not be recognized by many. Works just perfectly for me. Let’s just hope I receive it in time.

And, maybe buy new shoes. I don’t know. I have enough. But I have a gift card just sitting in my wallet for the past so many months now, I might as well use it, eh? =)

Single Or Forever Alone?

Found it on twitter, burst out laughing. Since I went from in a relationship to single like over 3 years ago, I have varied between kinda talking, being led on, confused, with benefits, blah blah blahhh, all the while being bitter at the thought of it all actually simplified down to forever alone.

I would definitely add “a rebound” to the list. That was the stage even before my first relationship o.O That’s because from what I know, the girl who comes after me in any guy’s life, always becomes “the one” for him. Or at least something legit for a while.

Current status: only crosses mind when I see memes like this.

Alpha Retards and Possible Break-ins.

Had one of those crazy days at work with the worst kind of customers ever today. I had to work with two customers on three different computers at the same time, while on the phone with technical support fixing a third phone, all the while with these crazy women yelling and trying to intimidate and demand credits and free stuff.

Really? Great try. You’re not a valuable customer when you start to yell at me when I am trying to explain you the problem and only doing something for you I shouldn’t even do in the first place. Sorry bitch.

And in the midst of it all, I observe the social effect, that starts with one customer complaining and slowly everyone around starts to complain about things they didn’t need to be complaining about. Probably the most annoying thing about females. They always want to relate, always want to connect. And they do it by finding the smallest thing in common with the person they are talking to.

But, I guess I handled half of the crazy women in the store pretty well. Keeping my cool was so hard, but I managed to have them leave smiling. Except for the alpha retard of the day. Another customer who was waiting for quite sometime comes up to me, rubs my hand, and so genuinely asked me if I am okay. I didn’t realize my hands were crazy cold until she pointed it out.

This wasn’t even as bad. It was the man who had come in earlier during the day that brought out a side of angry in me my coworkers were left shocked and scared, saying they have never seen me like this. I had done nothing except greet him and he just speaks back to me in Polish, I assume that’s what it was, where he did not even ask for someone who speaks Polish. But I went and got my Polish-speaking coworker anyway since all this dude was doing was raising his voice at me and used his body language to show instant frustration with me. And apparently, he could very well speak enough English to have a normal conversation with.

And then he addresses me trying to ask me questions about me like I am stupid because I rolled my eyes at him. Yes, I did that. At that point, I had every right to roll my eyes at him. I snapped back at him with my answers to his questions, and added “thank you very much!” Well, he shut up and left. I had already devised at least 5 kinds of deaths for him in my head in the 50 seconds he addressed me in English when he could have just spoken to me in that language from the start.

Forget the old rule “Customer Is Always Right“. For all I have learned from my experience, “Customers Are Mostly Officially Retarded Thinking They Can Take Advantage Of The Old Rule“.

When will they get it? You don’t mess with people who handle your phone service. You don’t mess with them especially if they are me. Me when angry. My coworker came up to me after he was gone and made me breath till I was calm. Even though I was smiling back at her, I don’t know how I got so angry.

Could be the possibility I was actually still tensed from last night. I think my room was broken into. I mean, less think. More obviously that someone was in my bedroom, and forgot to fix something the way it’s always supposed to be. Either because whoever it was left in a hurry and didn’t realize, or left it that way so I would notice. AND… my window is open just a little more than what I had left it at. Considering whoever it was pulled down the curtain I had left barely-balanced on purpose. Everything else in my room seemed in the right place. Nothing missing. Except for the curtain. The horrible mistake of not fixing it back up the way it was supposed to be.

That is why I assume it was through the window. But my window looks out on a 24/7 busy street, and I had gotten home from work close to midnight last night anyway. So whoever it was could not have done it unnoticed. Hence, I have been panicky, and that has made me angry. Nothing is missing, but I don’t know if something is added. With new drawer additions to my room, I shall finally be able to create more space and reorganize and figure out the count of my items -__-

Has It Truly Been Worth It?

After a long day of chores and errands, I finally had time to explore and inquire about PhD programs in New Zealand and well, New York too. All of it made me reflect back to the fact that I have been out of school for about eight months now, and have been working for about six months. In this whole time, going on several different job interviews, working the job I am now, I found me questioning myself: “how useful was college?”

Presidential Scholarship. Cum Laude. Several student loans. So much time and dedication and impressing professors and sleepless nights. Putting in all my waking hours towards my internship, perfecting my report. What for? To be offered mere B2B sales jobs, must I add – all commission based? To be called in for a small-time restaurant manager job, and immediately presented a front-line position instead? Which, I ended up not getting? And finally landing a minimum wage+commission retail sales job, which one could do without the need of any degree or even a high school diploma.

I don’t quite know if this is mere luck or a combination of a lot of facts.

• Economy just blows. Jobs are truly scarce.

• I am a woman.

• I am a coloured individual.

• I represent multi-racial minority. 

• I belong to the most ill-reputed religious group today.

• I physically don’t look the part I am applying for – I am short, I have what people call a baby face, my voice seems too tiny when I am only soft-spoken out of respect for the person I am addressing.

• I was really not qualified for the position?

• I did not have “inside” contacts.

• They can’t say my name. Hence, my resume gets tossed in trash.

• 23 might be too young for the job? Is that even possible?

What was all the effort I put towards my degree for, I wonder sometimes. Why are salesmen now called manager trainees, when they are mostly only learning to sell while being kicked out or having doors slammed on their faces? Why do they only make money when they sell, and not for the time and effort they are genuinely putting in to their job? Why was it that I had no choice but to settle in order to make it for a while?

A bachelors’ degree was not going to be the end of it for me, I knew that. I knew I wanted to take my education as far as is possible for me. I knew that for my Masters, I would need a year of relevant work experience. I didn’t think it would be that hard at all. With previous experience in sales and management, and an education to back it all up, I should have easily started off as a manager trainee in retail or office or of a sales force. A proper trainee, you know. Where I am inducted to the company and the policies and procedures, where I am taken through different scenarios and perfected on the skills to handle those situations. So I ask, where is my relevant work experience? Why are they not giving it to me? Why get rejected over someone who is less qualified for a particular position?

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy my current job. It’s easy, it keeps me busy, it pays me enough to support myself. But it is not something I want to do for the rest of my life, and it is definitely not something I went to school for. How far will this job take me? They say everyone gets promoted, once we hit the sales mark, once we understand the ins and outs of the company and its policies and procedures, once there are open opportunities. But that is obviously going to take a lot of time.

I still do keep getting interview calls from other places, but they are all similar to what I am doing now, with a little better pay though. But what I am is seeking the title, the prestige, not so much the money. What I want is challenge, responsibility, control. I like the people I work with, but I can’t let myself worry about what they might think if I decide to move on when and if a better opportunity comes along.

I have come across people who talk loud and obnoxious, without saying much. They know how to be heard, but they respect none. They are like the snobby jocks from teen movies everybody loves despite the darkness  inside them. They are given everything without having to work for it, much less considering the fact they are not really deserving of it. Are people like that really ethical towards their employers? Do they give the person above them any respect? Can they honestly handle a critical situation when it arises?

Of course, a strong personality is important. Confidence is vital. But so is originality and loyalty and commitment and determination. But where does education fall under all of this? All the research papers, all the case studies, all the presentations, all the theories proposed, what for? When all you need is personality and confidence, why do we spend over $50,000 on a Bachelors’ degree? Why not, instead, put it towards classes that help build you as a person of character and confidence? Really, though? Why college when a 4-week crash course by a company can teach you everything you ever needed to know about business?

But mind you… mind you, mind you, mind you. This is so far, only the scenario observed in the North American side of the world. The emphasis on education is, however, recognized in the Middle East and Asia. A degree is worth everything, and the interview is basically going over your resume and cover letter, and an opportunity to discuss anything not mentioned on it. But the higher your grade, the better your chances are for scoring that job, given your competition doesn’t have better references or skills. And take your American education back there, the job is practically all yours. Local degrees cannot be compared in value, even though it is a piece of cake compared to the advanced education in that part of the world. You’re really going to be getting all the paper you put in, all in less than a year sometimes!

I guess it is where and how I was raised that makes me want to go further with my education. And I know I am not stopping. I am going to go after it, and make it happen one way or the other. And if I want all my education to be worth something, anything at all, I should take it where it is no doubt going to be recognized and respected.

Maybe now I am beginning to understand why I have observed most Americans taking their sweet time with school, and being dedicated to working while in school instead of school itself – a trend very different from the Asian and Middle Eastern lifestyle, even in some European countries! It has always been finishing school before finding a job.

It’s always a rush in North America, to be the best in class, to be the best at work, to not breath, but instead, take a night out intoxicating yourself to “unwind”. I have come across but a few people who unwind with sleeping in, reading, bubble baths, detoxifying, and spending quality time with loved ones. The reward for all the mental exhaustion you went through at school is supposed to be a comfortable life after, making money and enjoying  fringe benefits you deserve for all your hard work – not being ripped off of comfort after college.

Dreams Of A Vagabond

Europe does not sound so bad. I see the opportunity of learning a new language. And, well, it’s pretty nice out there, in terms of what nature has to offer. Also, free Masters and PhD programs in several countries. Something very important to take advantage of.

New Zealand again looks like an extremely beautiful opportunity. I don’t think there can ever be a dull moment if you are surrounded by the green and blue of nature everywhere you go.

I really wouldn’t mind getting out of here when I think about it. Detachment and seclusion from everybody has made the world a lot bigger. So far away from everybody too involved in my life, I don’t know why it seems like it could be a perfect fresh new start. Also, I probably wouldn’t get teased for sounding too British sometimes. Of all the countries I have been to, it’s just sad to admit I haven’t experienced ignorance at heights that I have here.

I would take the leap, God willing and finances permitting. I have about 6 more months to save up and make a final decision. See, I seriously do not even go shopping – you become like that when you limit yourself to home and work. I am reduced to bills and groceries and charity, and I do not mind that. Surprisingly. I question sometimes if I am a girl now that my Diva-ish days feel so far behind o.O

Oh well, like a good girl, I shall discuss this with my parents. They would probably be more than happy I am finally considering leaving. I would, however, would love to visit Six Flags and New York and Disneyland before I leave. I mean, I just have to. I am supposed to go to New York next month to visit my friend, but it seems like everybody at work wants a vacation same time and I do not get paid time off yet. Bummer. Or probably the month after I guess then. If my friend’s stay there extends. Or we could just take an awesome road trip – one of my favourite things in the world! =)

Oh well, I know life will figure itself out, as long as I keep looking for the right direction to move towards. And maybe someday in the future, I will be able to write a detailed account of my real experiences through the 5 something years I have been here. Or maybe I won’t. I really don’t feel comfortable turning back pages to a previous chapter in my life. If anything, stay on the same page if I am not moving ahead.

So let’s hope these late night feelings towards an intended future don’t change when the sun comes up. Lately that hasn’t been happening. But you never know when that will come back =\

Thunders

You know my favourite thing about nature? It’s kind of a tie between clouds and the sea. Today, I am simply enjoying looking out on thunder clouds.

Kind of stuck out here in Round Lake now, waiting for rain to clear out before I can head out, but it’s kind of beautiful sitting out watching the rain fall.

I was trying to capture a picture of lightning but I guess that is not going to happen anytime soon. Not that I am a fan of thunder. I am a little scared… scared this could turn into a tornado which is like my worst fear considering I have had tornado nightmares on and off for a few years now. But well, it gives me a little bit of adrenaline rush so that’s worth it.

I feel like a photographer when I take nature pictures, I cannot help it. Plus, these pictures look highly professional when on my phone, so shhh.

:]

Coolest Husband Ever

When and if I get married, finding a cute note like that from my future hubby would be the best thing ever.

Favourite Pickup Line

So in my low self-esteem moments, my friend comes up with the cutest pickup line I couldn’t help but feel a little better:

“Even your smile is like a social service. The more you smile, the better the world gets.”

What can I say? I love my friends.

🙂

Call Me, Maybe?

Lol. Typical. Sort of a shame all the fasting and repentance goes down the drain once Ramadan is over. But a hilarious depiction nonetheless. Woot Woot, Arab Memes! 🙂

Eid Mubarak!

Dreading

So I am going away for Eid. Dreading leaving my sanctuary. Dreading having company for 48 hours straight. Dreading having to converse. Dreading all the questions people will be throwing at me about my life out of curiosity. Dreading having to sit in those social gatherings smiling awkwardly at the adults because I have nothing of importance to say to them and their humour goes over my head.

Dreading having to be face to face with distant cousins who were too quick to speak shit about me.. grrr… dreading also the awkwardness of having blocked him off of Facebook. Dreading  the possibility I lose my temper and break his nose. From what they tell me, I had made him cry several times when we were kids. I wouldn’t mind being at it again.

Dreading actually not socializing with people of interest for that matter. Dreading the fact that it is Eid means everyone I could IM would be too busy with their festivities. The fun ones. The ones out of my reach. With the people I know and care about. Would it be disrespectful if I am playing Words With Friends in the middle of an Eid party?

Okay, self. Chillax. It’s once in a blue moon kind of thing and you should be able to handle that. Come Monday night, you will be comfortably tucked in your own bed in your own room which by the way, you seem to have done a good job cleaning. Just a few weeks ago, you didn’t even know how to hold a broom or a mop. Look at you now! Go ahead and rub that in the face of people who find it highly amusing watching you clean like an amateur. As for your kitchen skills, oh well, one thing at a time.